Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are.

So...M. Nikitin and Mlle. K Nguyen seriously need to work things out between the two of them because ever since they got into whatever they got into, he's been hanging out with me and Mlle. Yee a lot.

Don't get me wrong, we both really enjoy his company, but I just think it's better if Mlle. K Nguyen can join us without having things get awkward.

So...he calls me in the afternoon while I'm trying to steal ten more minutes of nap time and wants my help on picking out ramen. I use that as an excuse and Mlle. Yee and I both walk down to the place and help him pick. Then we go to Jack in the Box and have dinner at four.


Then we get home...blah blah blah...Mlle. K Nguyen joins me and we study our asses off. Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Chu join our study party and that lasts till 10. Yup. Crazy geeking going on there.

I've find that I concentrate so much better now that I'm all cleared about about M. Paff. At eight, I walk over to his dorm to give him back his calculator, and he looks surprised that I don't want to stay. I say I have to get back to studying and just leave. It's kind of empowering, not going to lie. And I haven't been texting him or Skyping him more than necessarily at all.

Then Mlle. Yee and I help M. Nikitin make ramen, and we watch The Roommate in our room. M. Paff wants me to entertain him when we reach the climax. I say, "No. I'm watching a movie." I hate how he always comes to me when he's bored. It makes me feel like I'm an afterthought.

Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks.

I'm tired of M. Paff's antic. His mood swings are erratic and his silence is quiet deafening and annoying. If he wants to talk, then he can text me or call me. I'm tired to making plans and trying to keep the conversation going. Why should I put so much effort into something that he obviously doesn't value.

Sure, I'm all mad now but I feel like once he starts talking to me again, I'll forget all this.

JK. He's just called me while I'm studying and I decline the call. Big step, yeah?

I choose not to project my past onto my future.

So clubbing was a bust, but Mlle. Yee, M. Stone, and I had a good bonding experience.

I don't really know what I'm doing or where I'm going with M. Paff. Like, we're supposed to be best friends, but I feel like...I don't really know. I just know that I should never ever sleep with him and that he's never ever going to see me as more than a friend. I feel like I'm the only one who's actually trying to preserve and keep this relationship going, like M. Paff doesn't put in enough effort. He does it when it's convenient for him, and he doesn't really care about me that much.

So...me and M. Paff eat lunch together with some of the girls from my hall. I miss hanging out with him, sometimes. Then I go to class, come back to the dorm, and sleep for a while. Then Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Ramsden from down the hall hang out in the room while I sketch on the poster. Then me and the girls and M. Nikitin have dinner together. M. Paff's there with Mlle. Pages; he's ditched his usual hall dinner to eat dinner with her--he's never done that for me. He comes over and wants to know if I still want to help him move his stuff out to this car. I say, yeah, just give me a call.

After dinner, we all go to M. Nikitin room to get his roomie M. Uribe and the whole lot of us go back to my room to watch Skins. They don't like it as much as me and Mlle. Yee do. Boo. Then M. Paff shows up to my dorm--wow, first time there!--and wants me to go back to his dorm with him to get his stuff while I'm watching Skins here. I'm like, "Why don't you get all packed, and then call me, and I'll come over and help." We kind of argue about it for a while, but it's nothing serious. Then he comes back and I go to his room and help him with his shit.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but when I leave, Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Chu both look like they want to say, "You help him with stuff but he never helps you with anything. Why are you letting him jerk you around?"

But, like, honestly, I really don't see why he even wants me to come because he's the one carrying everything and I'm just walking with him. I bring it up and he says he wants to spend more time with me. Yeah, right. Do I look stupid to you? But it's nice, just the two of us hanging out. We knock on my window and freak my friends out. Then we walk to his car so he can drop off his stuff and he walks me back to my dorm, all the way to my room--another first. It's an awkward goodbye at the door since I kind of just rush in because I don't want to miss any more Skins.

The lot of us just watch TV on Hulu and talk for a while. The boys seem really quiet, so it's very charming when they laugh or smile. I like having a bunch of friends nearby who I can hang out with anytime. Then the boys leave because their hall has a movie night. Then I leave cause my mom's come to pick me up.

Then I go home and play League of Legends with M. Paff and Mlle. Mayeda. He tells me that there's this girl that he wants to put a move on but he's not sure if he's going to go through it. My immediate guess is the girl that was with him before...Mlle. Lee. He denies it, and I keep guessing. He doesn't want to tell me, and I'm like, "some friends we are." After Mlle. Mayeda's gone to bed, he calls me and wants to play again. While we play, I keep bugging him about it, and he finally says that it is her.

Seriously, I don't really care anymore since I've sorted out my feelings for him, so it's all good. I hope he does things that will make him happy in the end.

Then he finds out that I have a journal and he wants to read it, and I'm like, "HELL NO." But who knows? Maybe I'll show him someday and we can laugh about who silly and irrationally overemotional I can be.

Some days it is a heroic act just to refuse the paralysis of fear and straighten up and step into another day.

Dude, my TAs are so cute!

So, me and M. Paff were supposed to eat dinner together, but he shows up with his hallmates even though he's the one that's asked me. So I eat dinner with my roomie and her friend, which is cool too.

I need to figure out what to get him for his birthday. I'm thinking a foot collage but that may be a little bit hard to explain.

True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.

So I come home at noon and everyone's still in class, so I eat lunch all by myself in my room. Then M. Nikitin texts me and I text him back. He's chilling in his room by himself too, so I tell him to come over since I'm by myself too. So he uses the secret passage and we chill for four hours straight.

He's not as intimidating as he seems. He just seems so smart, and I'm not that clever, so I feel intimidated. He doesn't like Mlle. Pages though. He says she can't keep a secret since she spills hers so easily, something I completely agree with, but I still think she's a nice person. I mean, I would think people like her more than they like me because she's more talkative, but M. Nikitin doesn't like that. He likes that I don't talk too much. Then Mlle. Yee comes home with a shit ton of people and we all hangout in my room.

Then me, Mlle. Yee, Mlle. K Nguyen, and M. Nikitin all go to dinner together. Then me and Mlle. Yee go back to our room and study. At nine-ish we grab a late dinner again while watching The Lying Game. Five minutes after we finish our food, M. Nikitin calls me and is all, "Hey, we have a cake. Wanna come over?" We're just like, "Um...YEAH!"

We wait for Mlle. K Nguyen for two hours because the birthday boy doesn't want to start without her because she's a very good friend. The bunch of us just hangs out in M. Nikitin's room. It's so much fun. No joke.

Hmm...M. Nikitin and Mlle. K Nguyen...they're like, totally stretching the whole sexual tension thing. Everyone can tell they want each other; they just won't admit it.

I wonder if that's how people see me and M. Paff...

Who you know will get your foot into the door. What you know will keep your foot out of your mouth.

So...me and M. Paff's relationship got worse and then better. I think it got better when I realized that me and him would never and should never happen, that we had WAY more fun being just friends. So I stop wanting to hangout as much and hangout with my new friends more.

And of course, once I stop my daily calls, he starts calling me back and wants to know if I want to grab dinner with him. Well, I'm supposed to be having dinner with another hallmate and my roommate and cockblock one of the guys, but they say I should hangout with him instead. So I do. And then he calls Mlle. Pages and we hangout with her too. We grab tea and food at Cha and Mlle. Pages tells me a story of how she and her boyfriend've met. Well, that pales compared to M. Paff and my story cause ours is so much better, you have no idea.

Then we meet up with her boyfriend and M. Paff and I just kind of fourth-wheel it and we all play pool together. It's fun, but I suck pretty bad. Everyone else is good though. Boo. While we're playing, I notice that M. Paff sometimes just stares at me, but he looks away every time I catch him. I'm just like, whatever, cause we're just friends now. After it ends, we all walk to Starbucks; me with M. Paff and Mlle. Pages with her boyfriend. Sometimes he walks really close to me and starts to say something, but he stops every single time.

At Starbucks, while the couple buys their drinks, he asks, "Was it weird for me to stare at your feet the entire time?" and I'm like, "No, I actually have very attractive feet." He laughs. Then we talk to the couple a little bit more before heading back.

On the way back, I'm like, "How come you stare at my feet but you bolt when I ask for a foot massage?" He gives me some random answer, and I'm like, "You know, you're just all talk and no action."

Once I'm back in my dorm, he texts me and says, "I'd probably give you a massage if you asked now." And I'm like, "Give me a message." Since my roommate's here with her friend, I come over to his room with my Bio book since his roommate's gone. I figure I can read while he massages my feet.

Yeah, that plan goes right out of the window. I can't concentrate knowing how turned on he is. Then he says we should stop since he needs to study and I need to study too. Well, I move next to him and put my head on his shoulder and study. Haha. What a lie. We try studying, but it's more like, "fuck it, let's fool around."

Then I go home at about 11:30-ish and gossip with my roommate and her friend. Then M. Nikitin messages me on Facebook saying, "You're up so late!" because yesterday I was in his room and he made me tea and my mom called and I didn't pick up and he wondered why I didn't pick up and I told him that I was supposed to be in bed by nine. It was half past nine at the time. Anyways, so I say, "Don't tell my mom. You stay up late too." And he's like, "You're gonna need a lot of tea of stay up," and I'm like, "Are you inviting me over?" and he says, "Yup." I'm like, "Me and my roommate are watching South Park. Why don't you guys bring the party over here." He asks if he can come over, and I say yes, but I think he's gotten lost. But apparently he's texted me and I don't get texts, so he leaves after waiting outside the door. Haha. Oops.

Depression is when you have lots of love, but no one's taking.

I've figured out that the horrible feeling I've been getting is not because of M. Paff's absence. It's me. It's depression, and it's horrible. I have a gnawing feeling in my stomach like something'll go wrong, except the sensation is constant.

My hallmates and I've gone to the beach after class. I've gotten pretty close with this girl from across the hall. Her name is Mlle. Chu. It's not that fun, at least not for me, because I've been feeling like shit the whole day. The whole goddamn day...I've been soo fucking depressed and lonely even though I'm almost always surrounded by people. It's not the same.

Mlle. Yee, my roommate, has gone home for the weekend so I get the room to myself. Yay. Not really. I miss her company. I hate going to bed alone because she always stays up later and always turns the lights off after I've gone to bed.

Then I go back to my room and talk to M. Dow. God, I miss talking to him. He cheers me right up and tells me how his girlfriend wants to get back together. Then I almost decide to not go to the mixer because I don't feel like getting out of the room, but dancing cures shit, so I decide to go.

My god. I totally need that. It's great. I try calling M. Paff a million times, but he doesn't pick up and I leave millions of messages telling him to come out since his Facebook status says he's not in a good mood. Plus, I kind of want to dance with him. Anyways, he doesn't pick up, but I have a great time regardless.

Then we go back and hangout in the common room. M. Paff finally Skypes me back and tells me what's wrong. Poor baby.

Then me and the rest of the hall watch Catch Me If You Can in my room. Last time I watched that movie, I got plenty of action. Not this time though.

Then Mlle. K Nguyen comes in and tells me she's been sexiled. I'm like, "Come sleep here!" and she's like, "Oh, I'm sleeping in the guys' room," and I'm like, "[M. Nikitin]'s?" and she's like, "Fuck no. I'm so done with that bitch." Apparently they've gotten into a huge fight over nothing and she just doesn't give a shit anymore. I wonder how long before me and M. Paff get that way.