Sorry is hardest to say when it matters the most.

A historical romance is the only kind of book where chastity really counts.

Extreme complication is contrary to art.

So M. Paff and I have reconciled, thank God. I told him about what happened with M. Nikitin and he told me about Mlle. Lee, who is such a bitch. I think the two of us are on good terms now.

Anyways, I think M. Nikitin likes Mlle. Yee. It's just a hunch since he's always teasing her and the last two times he's slept over, he's slept in her bed, which makes me feel a bit like a third wheel, but it's really no biggie. I think she likes him as well, but I'm going to keep both thoughts to myself for now and see how things unfold.

To be honest, I was a bit interested in M. Nikitin, and I really didn't care that Mlle. Nguyen liked him too, but now that I think Mlle. Yee likes him, I'll bow out gracefully. They're cuter together anyways. Mlle. Nguyen makes things so complicated with her love-hate relationship with him; Mlle. Yee keeps things nice and simple, and that's way easier to deal with than complications, obviously.

Oh, yeah, I went kayaking with the girls yesterday. Fun fun fun. I also dropped my new phone on Thursday and now it won't get any signals and it won't charge. Just my luck.

Bio midterm tomorrow. I'm so fucking scared.

Okay, so I tell M. Nikitin my theory and he confirms it. I love being right.

Then I suddenly experience a wave of loneliness as I study for my midterm. M. Nikitin comes over, and so does Mlle. Nguyen. We all study, and there's obviously tension since Mlle. Nguyen won't talk to M. Nikitin at all. I text him from my computer, saying that as long as Mlle. Yee thinks Mlle. Nguyen likes him, he doesn't have a chance. He texts me back saying that he's told her that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her last week, which is why she's not touchy-feely with him anymore. It's just a conversation that needs to be have in person...something that can't happen right now with the other girls in the room.

Eventually, I get horribly sleepy, and I ask if there's anything I can take to keep me awake. M. Nikitin suggests coffee, and, using that as an excuse, I tell him to come with me to get it. Then EVERYTHING comes spilling out.

Mlle. Nguyen's given a letter telling him how she hates the way he treats her. He says he treats her like a sibling, but, in my opinion, if she wants him to treat her nicer, then she should start treating him nicer too, because she doesn't treat him very nicely at all. He says that he's more worried about Mlle. Yee thinking there's something going on between us than with him and Mlle. Nguyen. For some reason, I think I ask him if he thought I liked him...and he says yes. WTF? I'm like, "WHY?"

Apparently, Mlle. Nguyen's been telling him that I'm in love with him. I'm like, speechless. What the fuck? No. My god, what the fuck.

Then he says he doesn't want to make a move until he's sure that she likes him back because if she doesn't...oh boy, our whole little group would get fucked.

I feel a lot better after going out for coffee. Like, a lot better. But not about the midterm though. I still don't know shit. 

Love begins with an image; lust with a sensation.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I slept over at M. Nikitin's Wednesday night. In his bed. With him. Yes, I did. One thing led to another and we sorta kinda fooled around most of the night. Does that make me a slut? Please say no.

I'm sorry, Mlle. Nguyen, but I kissed the boy you kinda like. Like, I know you're mad at him right now and everything, but that still doesn't make it okay. I saw how your face was when you saw me walking with him the other day; I'd hate to imagine your face when you find out about what happened.

I like being with him more than I do with M. Paff. I mean, M. Paff is more experienced, and he has a way with touch, but M. Nikitin makes me feel loved. He kept kissing my face the entire time, and when I kissed his cheek, I could feel him smiling. I think we actually passed out at threeish.

The whole time, I was just like, "I can't believe I'm kissing/doing this with [M. Nikitin]," and, at some point, I told him. He laughed and said, "I know. I can't believe I'm kissing you either."

In the early morning, I woke up to him kissing me. I was like, "What time is it?" since it wasn't even light out. It was five, and he apologized for waking me up so early. We kissed for the longest time. His roommate, M. Uribe kept stirring in his sleep, and I was so scared he would wake up and catch us, but M. Nikitin would leaned over and covered me with his arms and shoulders--which are very very very nice since he works out and everything. And, oh, my God, his bed CREAKS! Fucking hell. Every single time it did, I was just like, "Please let [M. Uribe] be a heavy sleeper."

Anyways...so after forever, I asked him for the time, and he stopped kissing me for a second and said, "You have to go soon, unfortunately." It was 6:56. I have class at 8, and I need to leave at 7:30, so I need to start getting ready at 7 to make it on time. So we kissed some more before I pulled away. He helped me look for my earring and the rest of my stuff which were sprawled all over his bed. Then, as I tied my hair up in front of the mirror and getting ready to leave, I could see him watching me from behind. He stepped forward and hugged me from behind, and I leaned up to kiss him.  After a while, I was like, "[M. Nikitin], I need to go." He wanted me to stay for breakfast, but I was planning to eat on the way to class, so I declined.

It was kind of awkward when he went to dinner with us. I was gonna play it cool, but that plan went out the window when he came out to meet us. He stood next to me, and everyone else was talking except for us, or we would talk to other people but not to each other. I couldn't look him in the eye without getting embarrassed.

After dinner, we helped Mlle. Yee study for her Chemistry midterm. I would write on the white board, and he'd be standing next to me, telling me what to write, and I'd lean over just a bit so we'd be touching, and we'd be like that until Mlle. Yee came over. Yup. We managed to get back to normal at the end of the night though.

When we finally talked about it on Friday. I was sick when the happened, and had to pull away occasionally to cough. We even joked about him getting sick too. Well, Friday afternoon, it was just the two of us alone in his room on Reddit, and I was on his bed several minutes before, coughing all over it, and he said something about me getting him sick again, and I was like, "Again? You didn't get sick that time," which is really not fair. Then I was like, "Do you do that to all the girls that sleep in your bed?" He said no, but the way he said it was really adorable because he was tired and he was kind of hugging his pillow while trying to hold a conversation with me. Anyways, he thinks I'm a good kisser.

I got sicker when I got a ride from my mom's friend with her kid. Now I have a persistent giant headache.

I'm glad I went home this weekend. I got a new phone. Whoot whoot. And a new laptop. But my mother and daddy showered me with love <3

Let's play a game of whose life sucks worse...I'll win, I always win.

This week fucking sucks. There's so many things going on. With me, with Mlle. Chu, and with Mlle. Nguyen. All involving boys.

Well, let's start with the good things this week. The day before yesterday, the bunch of us slept over at M. Nikitin's room. Then yesterday, we all hungout and stayed up hella late and had lots of fun. Then today we go with M. Nikitin to the beach clean up.

The beach's so fucking nice. We've made plans to bike there the Sunday after next. I'm so excited.

Then the bad shit:

So I haven't been hanging out or talking to M. Paff lately because I'm tired of being the only one making an effort. So yesterday, he messaged me on Skype and asked why he couldn't make friends. Well, buddy your problem isn't with making friends; it's keeping them that's the problem. I asked him what was wrong, and he said "Nothing," so I was like, "Then why did you bother to even ask me if you weren't going to talk about it?" He was like, "Fine. Then leave me alone." I was like, "K. Well, there's your answer."

Mlle. Nguyen was there, and she asked why I put up with it. I've been asking myself that question quite frequently these past few weeks.

Getting pissed at each other right before Mlle. Mayeda came over was a bad idea. He calls me on Skype at noon to let me know that she's arrived, but I miss it because of the beach clean up. Then I borrow Mlle. Yee's phone to call him. He calls me back after a while and brings Mlle. Mayeda over. I give her a very warm welcome, and he's like, "How come I don't get a smile?" and I'm like, "Cause you're you."

The three of us hang out in my common room and eventually end up in his room, watching funny videos on YouTube. The whole time, we're sitting very near each other to the point of almost touching, but I always move myself away when we do touch. Sure, at that range, I'm very attracted, but I feel more empowered holding myself back then letting myself go. I was supposed to get dinner with a bunch of people at 6:30, but Mlle. Mayeda has to leave at 6:30, so the three of us go eat an hour earlier.

It's nice when we're with her, but once she leaves, the pleasantness goes away. When I wave to someone who's staring at me while running, he says that I'm embarrassing sometimes, and I'm like, "Well, you're boring, and I'd rather be strange than be boring." After that, it's total silence. He walks like, five feet in front of me, and I don't even bother to keep pace with him. Then he just walks back to his hall without saying good bye, but since I'm civilized and well-mannered, I yell goodbye and leave.

Then I get home and hangout with the girls. Mlle. Yee knows about whole thing with M. Paff so she asks about it. Then later that night, he messages me on Skype again and the conversation goes like this:


[10/9/2011 9:09:18 PM] M. Paff: lemme ask u sumthing
[10/9/2011 9:09:30 PM] Me: ask away
[10/9/2011 9:09:42 PM] M. Paff: am i an idiot
[10/9/2011 9:09:51 PM] Me: yeah
[10/9/2011 9:09:56 PM] M. Paff: k :/
[10/9/2011 9:10:23 PM] Me: would you rather that I lie?
[10/9/2011 9:45:40 PM] M. Paff: cool.
[10/9/2011 9:46:47 PM] Me: are you hurt?
[10/9/2011 9:48:08 PM] M. Paff: why am i an idiot
[10/9/2011 9:52:38 PM] Me: I feel like you don't value our friendship as much as you should
[10/9/2011 9:53:43 PM] Me: Like, you replying "k" and "..." makes it seems like you don't want to talk to me and makes me feel like a nuisance for bothering you
[10/9/2011 9:54:31 PM]Me: But in general, you just say the wrong things sometimes
[10/9/2011 9:56:09 PM] M. Paff: ur like the 3rd person 2 say im an idiot
[10/9/2011 9:56:14 PM] M. Paff: or that im below them
[10/9/2011 9:56:16 PM] M. Paff: or im a retard
[10/9/2011 9:56:21 PM] M. Paff: or im scum
[10/9/2011 9:56:23 PM] Me: I'm not saying you're below me
[10/9/2011 9:56:25 PM] M. Paff: in the past 2 days
[10/9/2011 9:56:27 PM] Me: or you're a retard or a scum
[10/9/2011 9:57:23 PM] Me: like, you don't treat people the way they should be treated
[10/9/2011 9:57:43 PM] Me: are you okay?
[10/9/2011 10:08:29 PM] Me: I feel like if I was really a good friend, I should come over right now because you seriously don't sound okay
[10/9/2011 10:08:40 PM] Me: but then sometimes you don't want me there
[10/9/2011 10:17:41 PM] M. Paff: im sure
[10/9/2011 10:19:03 PM] Me: do you want me over?
[10/9/2011 10:19:08 PM] M. Paff: no
[10/9/2011 10:19:14 PM] Me: k
[10/9/2011 10:19:17 PM] Me: are you feeling better?
[10/9/2011 10:19:19 PM] M. Paff: no

And when I thought I was done with him, he pulls shit like this. Like, leaving him now would mean that I'm a bad friend, that I'm only there when times are good. I'm trying. Believe me. I'm trying. But it's so hard when the other person is unresponsive and isn't willing to communicate at all.


Let me tell you something. Bitching out feels so good. I bitch out to Mlle. Chu and Mlle. Yee and they totally listen. Mlle. Yee thinks he should make more of an effort, and Mlle. Chu thinks I shouldn't abandon him now. Then we talk about Mlle. Chu's problem. I'd love to have her problem than my problem.

But Mlle. Nguyen's problem is the worst. I come back from the bathroom to Mlle. Yee awkwardly chatting with M. Nikitin on Skype while Mlle. Nguyen cries silently next to our laundry.I hug her and try to comfort her, but she seems so upset. Then I signals Mlle. Yee to cut off the conversation so we can deal with Mlle. Nguyen first.

Poor thing. She misses her mom and her old friends and the ways things used to be over the summer. Me too...well, the last part though. And her whole problem with M. Nikitin is just a giant mess, especially since we're mutual friends. She's sleeping over and since Mlle. Yee and I are both sick, we're sharing a bed.

M. Nikitin's given me and Mlle. Yee some medicine for our flu. I hope it works cause we're doing major bonding over boiling water and getting the packages open without scissors late at night in the dark while trying to not make a sound.

Some days are for living. Others are for getting through.

So yesterday was weird day. It was rainy. And I lost my phone--the love of my life--in the lecture hall. That was just like, my day just went out the window.

Obviously, I was really upset, so I went back to the dorm room and M. Paff was on, and I told him. He said that I should contact the PD. I did. Then he wanted us to get lunch. Well, the day before, I had lunch with M. Nikitin in the kitchen. He brought tea. I brought soup. And I didn't want to eat in my room, so I said yeah. I came out at the appointed time and M. Paff was walking toward me with an umbrella. I think we shared an umbrella walking there. It was a nice lunch.

Since it was still raining REALLY HARD, Mlle. Nguyen, Mlle. Yee, and I decide to eat dinner in our room. Mlle. Yee and I made food while Mlle. Nguyen took a long-ass nap; she's been working really hard, so we let her sleep for a long time. Then my roomie and I just watched New Girl and The Lying Game while eating. When Mlle. Nguyen got up, we were done and were back to doing our homework and studying.

Mlle. Nguyen was using my laptop and I was on my bed studying, and M. Paff Skyped her, saying, "I'm horny," and of course, Mlle. Nguyen read it outloud. I tried to play it cool, but it was definitely awkward. Mlle. Nguyen replied, "Dtf?" and he asked if I wanted to play. I told Mlle. Nguyen she should play instead, and she did. Well, Mlle. Nguyen played on my laptop since I wanted to see how a good person played. Mlle. Yee was just amused by all the cussing and hate fest directed toward M. Paff.

She played with M. Paff and Mlle. Mayeda, and M. Paff was talking to this kid from his hall. My God, sometimes I just wish I'm deaf to some things, you know? The way they were referring to their exes and some of the girls in their hall was horrible. I didn't like that.

Then, at 11:30, I think I said I wanted Cha, so M. Paff said he wanted Cha too, and Mlle. Nguyen said she wanted Cha also, so the three of us came over to M. Paff's room to get him and we all walked to Cha together. We got Cha and walked around. It was pretty cool, more so because it was so late at night. Then we all went to his room to show his hallmates what a pimp he was and just watched funny videos.

Not gonna lie, like, the whole time, there were a lot of accidental...or not so accidental...touching. When we were walking together, he lightly punched me and asked if I was staying this weekend. Then when were were outside of Cha drinking tea, we sat next to each other and sometimes my knee would touch his whenever I adjusted. Like, I was trying to not do it so much because I really did not--and still don't--want to get more involved with him than I already am (or is it "was"? Whatevs). Then when we were watching the videos, I was standing behind his chair and leaning into it. I hope he didn't take that the wrong way. But sometimes I would reach up for the mouse, and he would put his hand closer to it. Then when I was leaving, he awkwardly patted me on the shoulder and said, "bye", and, of course, didn't walk me and Mlle. Yee home.

And then today! Oh my God, don't even get me started. I almost cockblock someone today. Mlle. Nguyen. She's been ignoring M. Nikitin and it's so awkward hanging out with the two of them. Since Mlle. Nguyen isn't going to the capture the flag game, I go and get M. Nikitin and he invites us in and guess who's in the closet? Mlle. Nguyen. Later, in my room after Mlle. Yee and M. Nikitin have left to get something, I find out that she's gotten there a few minutes before we come in and interrupt. Then I try to get them to leave. Mlle. Yee doesn't know, but she wants tea, so I tell M. Nikitin to go get tea, and he says Mlle. Nguyen should go with him. Perfect. So they go and I tell Mlle. Yee the whole story and we text him saying that M. Paff's had an emotional breakdown so we've gone to his room, and don't bother coming back.

Good deed of the day.

Then I play LoL and M. Paff goes on. He's rude to me, so I end the call. Then I just play by myself, and Mlle. Nguyen comes back pretty late. So, they've a few minutes together alone before Mlle. Pages brings the whole goddamn gang in the room. Cockblocked twice. Not a good day for her. She's obviously very upset about it, but she doesn't show it much. We only know cause she jumps on my bed and starts wiping tears off of her face. Then she leaves for Evenstar.

M. Paff comes back on and wants to play. I'm just like, "Okay, whatever," and we play. He's had a pretty shitty night too.

This week's been bad, period.

Did I mention that I lost my phone?

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are.

So...M. Nikitin and Mlle. K Nguyen seriously need to work things out between the two of them because ever since they got into whatever they got into, he's been hanging out with me and Mlle. Yee a lot.

Don't get me wrong, we both really enjoy his company, but I just think it's better if Mlle. K Nguyen can join us without having things get awkward.

So...he calls me in the afternoon while I'm trying to steal ten more minutes of nap time and wants my help on picking out ramen. I use that as an excuse and Mlle. Yee and I both walk down to the place and help him pick. Then we go to Jack in the Box and have dinner at four.


Then we get home...blah blah blah...Mlle. K Nguyen joins me and we study our asses off. Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Chu join our study party and that lasts till 10. Yup. Crazy geeking going on there.

I've find that I concentrate so much better now that I'm all cleared about about M. Paff. At eight, I walk over to his dorm to give him back his calculator, and he looks surprised that I don't want to stay. I say I have to get back to studying and just leave. It's kind of empowering, not going to lie. And I haven't been texting him or Skyping him more than necessarily at all.

Then Mlle. Yee and I help M. Nikitin make ramen, and we watch The Roommate in our room. M. Paff wants me to entertain him when we reach the climax. I say, "No. I'm watching a movie." I hate how he always comes to me when he's bored. It makes me feel like I'm an afterthought.

I choose not to project my past onto my future.

So clubbing was a bust, but Mlle. Yee, M. Stone, and I had a good bonding experience.

I don't really know what I'm doing or where I'm going with M. Paff. Like, we're supposed to be best friends, but I feel like...I don't really know. I just know that I should never ever sleep with him and that he's never ever going to see me as more than a friend. I feel like I'm the only one who's actually trying to preserve and keep this relationship going, like M. Paff doesn't put in enough effort. He does it when it's convenient for him, and he doesn't really care about me that much.

So...me and M. Paff eat lunch together with some of the girls from my hall. I miss hanging out with him, sometimes. Then I go to class, come back to the dorm, and sleep for a while. Then Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Ramsden from down the hall hang out in the room while I sketch on the poster. Then me and the girls and M. Nikitin have dinner together. M. Paff's there with Mlle. Pages; he's ditched his usual hall dinner to eat dinner with her--he's never done that for me. He comes over and wants to know if I still want to help him move his stuff out to this car. I say, yeah, just give me a call.

After dinner, we all go to M. Nikitin room to get his roomie M. Uribe and the whole lot of us go back to my room to watch Skins. They don't like it as much as me and Mlle. Yee do. Boo. Then M. Paff shows up to my dorm--wow, first time there!--and wants me to go back to his dorm with him to get his stuff while I'm watching Skins here. I'm like, "Why don't you get all packed, and then call me, and I'll come over and help." We kind of argue about it for a while, but it's nothing serious. Then he comes back and I go to his room and help him with his shit.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but when I leave, Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Chu both look like they want to say, "You help him with stuff but he never helps you with anything. Why are you letting him jerk you around?"

But, like, honestly, I really don't see why he even wants me to come because he's the one carrying everything and I'm just walking with him. I bring it up and he says he wants to spend more time with me. Yeah, right. Do I look stupid to you? But it's nice, just the two of us hanging out. We knock on my window and freak my friends out. Then we walk to his car so he can drop off his stuff and he walks me back to my dorm, all the way to my room--another first. It's an awkward goodbye at the door since I kind of just rush in because I don't want to miss any more Skins.

The lot of us just watch TV on Hulu and talk for a while. The boys seem really quiet, so it's very charming when they laugh or smile. I like having a bunch of friends nearby who I can hang out with anytime. Then the boys leave because their hall has a movie night. Then I leave cause my mom's come to pick me up.

Then I go home and play League of Legends with M. Paff and Mlle. Mayeda. He tells me that there's this girl that he wants to put a move on but he's not sure if he's going to go through it. My immediate guess is the girl that was with him before...Mlle. Lee. He denies it, and I keep guessing. He doesn't want to tell me, and I'm like, "some friends we are." After Mlle. Mayeda's gone to bed, he calls me and wants to play again. While we play, I keep bugging him about it, and he finally says that it is her.

Seriously, I don't really care anymore since I've sorted out my feelings for him, so it's all good. I hope he does things that will make him happy in the end.

Then he finds out that I have a journal and he wants to read it, and I'm like, "HELL NO." But who knows? Maybe I'll show him someday and we can laugh about who silly and irrationally overemotional I can be.

True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.

So I come home at noon and everyone's still in class, so I eat lunch all by myself in my room. Then M. Nikitin texts me and I text him back. He's chilling in his room by himself too, so I tell him to come over since I'm by myself too. So he uses the secret passage and we chill for four hours straight.

He's not as intimidating as he seems. He just seems so smart, and I'm not that clever, so I feel intimidated. He doesn't like Mlle. Pages though. He says she can't keep a secret since she spills hers so easily, something I completely agree with, but I still think she's a nice person. I mean, I would think people like her more than they like me because she's more talkative, but M. Nikitin doesn't like that. He likes that I don't talk too much. Then Mlle. Yee comes home with a shit ton of people and we all hangout in my room.

Then me, Mlle. Yee, Mlle. K Nguyen, and M. Nikitin all go to dinner together. Then me and Mlle. Yee go back to our room and study. At nine-ish we grab a late dinner again while watching The Lying Game. Five minutes after we finish our food, M. Nikitin calls me and is all, "Hey, we have a cake. Wanna come over?" We're just like, "Um...YEAH!"

We wait for Mlle. K Nguyen for two hours because the birthday boy doesn't want to start without her because she's a very good friend. The bunch of us just hangs out in M. Nikitin's room. It's so much fun. No joke.

Hmm...M. Nikitin and Mlle. K Nguyen...they're like, totally stretching the whole sexual tension thing. Everyone can tell they want each other; they just won't admit it.

I wonder if that's how people see me and M. Paff...

Who you know will get your foot into the door. What you know will keep your foot out of your mouth.

So...me and M. Paff's relationship got worse and then better. I think it got better when I realized that me and him would never and should never happen, that we had WAY more fun being just friends. So I stop wanting to hangout as much and hangout with my new friends more.

And of course, once I stop my daily calls, he starts calling me back and wants to know if I want to grab dinner with him. Well, I'm supposed to be having dinner with another hallmate and my roommate and cockblock one of the guys, but they say I should hangout with him instead. So I do. And then he calls Mlle. Pages and we hangout with her too. We grab tea and food at Cha and Mlle. Pages tells me a story of how she and her boyfriend've met. Well, that pales compared to M. Paff and my story cause ours is so much better, you have no idea.

Then we meet up with her boyfriend and M. Paff and I just kind of fourth-wheel it and we all play pool together. It's fun, but I suck pretty bad. Everyone else is good though. Boo. While we're playing, I notice that M. Paff sometimes just stares at me, but he looks away every time I catch him. I'm just like, whatever, cause we're just friends now. After it ends, we all walk to Starbucks; me with M. Paff and Mlle. Pages with her boyfriend. Sometimes he walks really close to me and starts to say something, but he stops every single time.

At Starbucks, while the couple buys their drinks, he asks, "Was it weird for me to stare at your feet the entire time?" and I'm like, "No, I actually have very attractive feet." He laughs. Then we talk to the couple a little bit more before heading back.

On the way back, I'm like, "How come you stare at my feet but you bolt when I ask for a foot massage?" He gives me some random answer, and I'm like, "You know, you're just all talk and no action."

Once I'm back in my dorm, he texts me and says, "I'd probably give you a massage if you asked now." And I'm like, "Give me a message." Since my roommate's here with her friend, I come over to his room with my Bio book since his roommate's gone. I figure I can read while he massages my feet.

Yeah, that plan goes right out of the window. I can't concentrate knowing how turned on he is. Then he says we should stop since he needs to study and I need to study too. Well, I move next to him and put my head on his shoulder and study. Haha. What a lie. We try studying, but it's more like, "fuck it, let's fool around."

Then I go home at about 11:30-ish and gossip with my roommate and her friend. Then M. Nikitin messages me on Facebook saying, "You're up so late!" because yesterday I was in his room and he made me tea and my mom called and I didn't pick up and he wondered why I didn't pick up and I told him that I was supposed to be in bed by nine. It was half past nine at the time. Anyways, so I say, "Don't tell my mom. You stay up late too." And he's like, "You're gonna need a lot of tea of stay up," and I'm like, "Are you inviting me over?" and he says, "Yup." I'm like, "Me and my roommate are watching South Park. Why don't you guys bring the party over here." He asks if he can come over, and I say yes, but I think he's gotten lost. But apparently he's texted me and I don't get texts, so he leaves after waiting outside the door. Haha. Oops.

Depression is when you have lots of love, but no one's taking.

I've figured out that the horrible feeling I've been getting is not because of M. Paff's absence. It's me. It's depression, and it's horrible. I have a gnawing feeling in my stomach like something'll go wrong, except the sensation is constant.

My hallmates and I've gone to the beach after class. I've gotten pretty close with this girl from across the hall. Her name is Mlle. Chu. It's not that fun, at least not for me, because I've been feeling like shit the whole day. The whole goddamn day...I've been soo fucking depressed and lonely even though I'm almost always surrounded by people. It's not the same.

Mlle. Yee, my roommate, has gone home for the weekend so I get the room to myself. Yay. Not really. I miss her company. I hate going to bed alone because she always stays up later and always turns the lights off after I've gone to bed.

Then I go back to my room and talk to M. Dow. God, I miss talking to him. He cheers me right up and tells me how his girlfriend wants to get back together. Then I almost decide to not go to the mixer because I don't feel like getting out of the room, but dancing cures shit, so I decide to go.

My god. I totally need that. It's great. I try calling M. Paff a million times, but he doesn't pick up and I leave millions of messages telling him to come out since his Facebook status says he's not in a good mood. Plus, I kind of want to dance with him. Anyways, he doesn't pick up, but I have a great time regardless.

Then we go back and hangout in the common room. M. Paff finally Skypes me back and tells me what's wrong. Poor baby.

Then me and the rest of the hall watch Catch Me If You Can in my room. Last time I watched that movie, I got plenty of action. Not this time though.

Then Mlle. K Nguyen comes in and tells me she's been sexiled. I'm like, "Come sleep here!" and she's like, "Oh, I'm sleeping in the guys' room," and I'm like, "[M. Nikitin]'s?" and she's like, "Fuck no. I'm so done with that bitch." Apparently they've gotten into a huge fight over nothing and she just doesn't give a shit anymore. I wonder how long before me and M. Paff get that way.

Men have always detested women’s gossip because they suspect the truth: their measurements are being taken and compared.

I think I'm losing M. Paff. We never hangout anymore. We barely even talk. He says I'm being clingy if I want to hangout, but I don't initiate, he doesn't either. He's always with his hall or with other people. Actually, it seems like he's hanging out with everyone but me.

Mlle. K Nguyen has the same problem. Her friend M. Nikitin is really cute and I think they went through the same thing M. Paff and I are going through. Good guy friends turn into jerky guy friends. When I first heard about him, I thought he would be really rude. He doesn't like her in his bed and shit like that, but M. K Nguyen introduces us and he clears a space on his bed for me. Hmm...sounds a bit like some jackass I know?

Then he asks if I want tea, and I'm thinking, "You're white, but you drink tea?" and say, "Um...sure!" and he gets out this box and there are so many freaking flavors of tea. He says I should pick one. Like, the whole time, he doesn't even offer Mlle. K Nguyen ANYTHING! Like, what the fuck?

The four of us go out to eat, and he and his roommate eat a shit ton of food. He barely talks to Mlle. K Nguyen, but he lets me try his food. Like, he's so nice to me and not nice at all to her. I mean, it's nice that they're so comfortable with us, but that doesn't mean they can treat us like crap.

So, my roommate is a lot prettier in person. We got along okay. She's always away with her friends and I'm always away too, but today we watch five hours straight of TV shows on Hulu and the day before we watched She's The Man together. Then Mlle. K Nguyen comes over and we have a giant rant about guy friends. Yup, lovely bonding experience.

First day of class...pretty great. Ballet and How Race is Made. I kind of love it =]

Oh yeah, M. Dow's broken up with his girlfriend. Poor thing.

We are all fallen creatures and all very hard to live with.

So the club fair or whatever is today. I go with this girl from my hall. Then later, we go meet M. Paff and his female friends and we all get lunch. He seems pretty popular with the girls since he’s nice and awkward. Then it ends up with just me and M. Paff going to the fair. I don’t remember much, but there’s definitely a lot accidental hand brushings and arm bumpings. I’m happy with that. Actually, that’s a lie. The whole time, I keep thinking about how—cliché as it sounds—my heart would stop if he had grabbed my hand and held it. I would have let him.

When we get back from the fair, we go to M. Paff’s hall, where we meet M. Kee. He’s so awkward, but M. Paff and I manage to dodge him and play ping pong instead. Then more people come and it gets boring. I go back to my hall while M. Paff goes banner painting with his hallmates. I take a nap in my common room because there’s people there and not deserted like my room because I don’t want to get depressed when I wake up.

Then M. Paff Skypes me, and I tell him to come over, but he doesn’t want to come over because his friend is there. He shows her on camera, and she’s lying on his bed, but he always tries to pull me off when I’m on his bed. WTF? I’m lonely, so I come over and jump on his bed while she’s in her room changing and he tries to pull me off again. Eventually, he gives up. And as I sit, perched on his bed and looking outside, he comes over really close to me and says, “I think she’s really hot, and we’re getting along really great,” and I say, “Do you see it going anywhere?” and he says, “Right now, I’m just trying to be friends with her, but we’ll see how things go.”  We watch his drum line videos together. She comes back and leaves again and he leans almost into me again and says, “To be honest, I see you as a guy friend.” I’m just like, “Okay,” because that’s how it’s supposed to be. Our relationship’s supposed to be strictly platonic and I mess it up by being attracted to him. Doesn’t matter if it’s my fault or not; I still feel so very disappointed. She comes back and we all go to watch this dance thing, except they talk to each other the whole goddamn time. Are you fucking serious? So after a while, I’m like, “I’m going back. Bye,” and leave.

I feel so replaced. Like, that position is easily filled by anybody. I’m so tired of this. We were supposed to go to the ARC together, but now he’s with her and I’m in my dorm room all alone, depressed and watching chick flicks. Whatever.

If you should die before me, ask if you can bring a friend.

Yesterday was move in day. It was fun. I spent most of my evening out with my family and, when I got back, with M. Paff. He and I went to Target in his Mercedes convertible and it was nice, but sometimes I would feel the urge to stroke his hand…or his face…or just touch him in general, you know? I know it’s not normal for one best friend to feel that one about the other, but it’s the truth.

Then today, he helps me get my internet set up, but we fail miserably. We keep going to my room and his room and back again. In my room, I tease him by putting my feet near his face, in his line of sight. He’s definitely affected by that. Then, later, he puts his hand on my knee while we’re talking. Then in his room, while I’m lying in his bed, watching him go on Facebook…scratch that…falling asleep while he goes on Facebook, and he keeps rubbing my shoulders to wake me up. I don’t know, but I feel like he’s trying to get a reaction out of me, so I tell him to stop it.

I feel like it’s hard to get intimate unless you break the touch barrier first. Break it too suddenly, and I get freaked out. I guess you just have to ease into it.

Then we grab lunch and go back to his hall and play ping pong. It’s fun; and he’s cute; and I’m his best friend. God.

After that, we go back to my room to give the internet thing another try.  We get bored cause it doesn’t work, so I ask if he wants to give me a foot massage. I’ve never seen a human being book out of a room so fast. I’m just like, “Okay? What the heck?” Then I take a nap and wake up very depressed and lonely. I take a walk and go up to the common room just out of curiosity and meet a bunch of people there. Then the whole hall gets dinner, and I get to know Mlle. Nguyen better. She’s cool and cute; I like her. M. Paff and I’ve seen her earlier in the day and helped her carry her stuff back, and she’s asked if we were just friends; we’d said that we were.

I seriously don’t know how I feel about M. Paff. We’re supposed to be best friends, which means I’m not supposed to be this attracted to him. But I am. I’m very attracted, but he’s not attracted to me—not one bit. He tells me that he’s been getting close with this one girl in his hall, and I’m kind of sad about it, but I don’t know why. Okay, I lied.  I do know why. I want him to want me back too.

Anyways, I bond with some of my suitemates. They’re really nice and pretty and cool. Then the whole hall has a meeting and we all go to this one boba place. Except me and Mlle. Nguyen RUN over to M. Paff’s room and drag him out with us since he’s in there all by himself. We three go, and it’s fun. Then we decide to go back instead of waiting for the rest of my hall, but Mlle. Nguyen says to go ahead because she’s found her other friends, so it’s just me and M. Paff. We’re high on sugar, so we’re pushing each other off of curbs and cutting each other off. Then we get to his dorm and the sugar crashes. So it’s just me, leaning against the wall, and him, sitting on his bed, and me wanting him to come and sit next to me like he did a few minutes ago. We look at each other once and he says that what I asked him to do was really mean. I’m like, “What are you talking about?” and he’s like, “before you went and took a nap…” and I’m like, “I thought I was being nice!” and he’s like, “No, that’s very mean,” but apparently, he was so turned on, he had to check if it was showing, which explains why he got out of my room so fast. He comes and sits by me; our shoulders are touching for a while, but nothing really goes on. We just talk. At some point, I feel like he wants to make a move, but he wants me to initiate it. Actually, I think he did make a move if I’m not reading too much into it. Once is when he rubs my shoulder, but I’m under the impression he’s trying to get something on my cardigan; it’s clean. Then…when we’re sitting really close next to each other, he puts his hand on my thigh, but the door’s open, so I don’t do anything.

I don’t know. Sometimes I want to be more than friends; sometimes I’m just perfectly content with being just friends.

I ask him to walk me back when it gets late. He doesn’t want to because he’s a pussy. We argue for a while and I’m just like, “Fuck it,” and leave. On my way back, I meet this other white guy, and I’m just like, “Hey, is everyone back?” trying to be friendly, and he’s like, “Yeah, but we’re going out again.” I’m like, “Ooh, where to?” and he goes, “A party. You wanna come?” I’m like, “Sure.” Then I call M. Paff and he says not to go, but I go anyways.

It’s boring; people just smoke weed; the music’s barely audible; so the bunch of us leaves and comes back to campus,  where M. Paff tells me that M. Kee, this boy who thinks I’m really hot, thinks I’m in love with M. Paff. Of all the people who suspect that we’re together, I think M. Kee has more or less the right idea. Everyone else thinks it’s him that’s in love with me. 

I wish. Really.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

I find out who my roommate is today. She sounds like a very nice person, but she's not that cute and M. Paff's roomie isn't cute either so my plan to get with his roomie and get M. Paff with my roomie and have each couple use a room kind of fails really bad. But she sounds like a really nice person, and I'm really glad that I'm not rooming with a bitch.

M. Paff. Oh my gosh. Whenever we webcam, which we do all the time, I just wanna kiss him. Which is weird because I don't like him. He's not attracted to me AT ALL. And he thinks all these ugly girls are prettier than me. Okay, I know I'm not the most gorgeous girl out there, but MY GOD, REALLY? I'm decent looking. Christ.

My mother wants me to not have any kind of life whatsoever in college. Well, Mother, we'll see about that.

M. Paff wants me to hook him up with a girl. I agree and once I'm done with that, we're sneaking through the cemetery. Yup. I wanna sneak through one at night before I die.

Mlle. K. Nguyen is gonna be in my hall on my floor! Wheeee! That girl cracks me up. No joke. Funniest person alive.

I move in on the 17th of September, two hours before M. Paff moves in. I think I'm going alone since my parents are gonna be busy, so I've asked M. Paff to come early and help me move in.

I've talked to Mlle. Johnston on Skype today. I miss her.

A girl and a guy can be just friends, but at one point or another they will fall for each other... maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.

So SPOP was okay. It was boring, but we got to know each other a tiny bit better on the second days. I was very apprehensive about going to UCI in the fall. On the first day, all I could think about was how I didn't like it, how there were too many Asian girls here, and how it all felt so suffocating. On the second day, I didn't mind it as much.

After that, I drove to Monsieur Paff's house and we went out to eat. He was cuter in person than he was on Skype, and I was self-conscious at first; I couldn't hold eye contact with him for a long time.  It was disguise-able in the car, where my eyes were supposed to be on the road anyways.

When we got to the restaurant--a neat little place where M. Paff is friendly with the manager--the manager looked at me and then looked at M. Paff knowingly, like, "ooh, you got a girl", but when we asked for separate checks, I think he realized that we weren't together.

At one point, when we were sitting in a booth across from each other and talking, he smiled and I thought he looked really adorable; when he talked, he sounded adorable, but I didn't have a crush on him. I might have been a bit attracted to him, but I definitely did not have a crush on him.


After dinner, we went to a nearby Asian market because M. Paff had always wanted to go but never went because he said he felt weird going to an Asian market as a white guy. We did. He was fascinated. Then we went to the movie theater, but the movies were too late, so he asked his mother if I could come to the house. Surprisingly, she said I could; I just couldn't come upstairs to his room and get impregnated. Busted.


He introduced me to his mother and sister and his sister's boyfriend, then we went on his laptop and just had fun. When it was time for me to leave, he walked me to my car and gave me a hug. Like, a really good hug compared to the crappy, awkward ones the guys from Aldor, my hall for SPOP, gave me.

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.

So I kind of told my mom that living with her restraints me. Oops. Big. Mistake.

She didn't get mad. She just started saying stuff and then crying. Of course, I started crying way before because I'm a huge-ass big baby. She takes it like I'm rejecting her, but I'm not! I just need room to grow.

But after a shower, she just kind of went on like normally. Then we drove to LA and she was just telling me a bunch of stuff, but it was weird cause it was just really normal. I hope she realizes that I need room to grow and just kind of supports me for it. I hope she's NOT keeping for future fights.

Other than that, the day went fine. She even suggested that we take yoga classes in the summer together.

I think the reason why she took it so hard is because I'm her favorite child and now I'm saying I don't want to live with her. I know I'm her favorite child because she told me when she thought I was sleeping. It's nice to be the favorite child, the subject of all of her stories, but sometimes it feels like she's molding me into an extension of herself.

The other day, I read this article in Vogue (like, the one that came out in 2008) about how having a beautiful mother affects the author's upbringing and choices. Well, the mother was extremely beautiful and sought after, like mine, and she was always going on about how beauty wasn't important, like mine does. The mother in the article always acted like she was unaware of her beauty, but the author witnessed how long it took for her to pick the perfect dress, to do her hair, to moisturize her skin...just the extend that the mother goes to to preserve her beauty while saying it didn't matter. Mine's not like that. She doesn't take good care of herself like she should. Anyways, the author resented her mother for saying that beauty didn't matter so often, because she felt like her mother was only saying that because the author herself wasn't beautiful. Story of my life. The author then kind of rejects her mother and all that she stands for; she embraces literature and politics, stuff that her father, a literary critic or whatever, was into. So they would be debating stuff at the dinner table and the mother would be completely shut out. Okay, that's not going to work with my mother because my mother wasn't always beautiful. In fact, she told me that she was really ugly up until after puberty...at about 18, 19ish. So, before that, she had to rely on her brain to get what she wanted, and she got a lot because she was clever and witty. And then she got beautiful.

And there's me, who's dull and unintelligent. Saying that I'm pretty is a bit of stretch. I'm just hoping I'll turn beautiful before I turn 30, because, as everybody knows, that's when you get old and decrepit. Yeah, I'm not wearing a wedding dress after 30 because then I'll be an old bride and an old mother and my daughter won't be as smart because eggs would be too old. Omigosh, what if my daughter is stupid?

Anyways, I'm definitely going to change my name. I've talked it over with my mother and she heartily approves. Khue Tu. I don't know if I like that sound of that. It has a great meaning though. Khue Tu, in Sino-Vietnamese, is a literary name for the brightest star in the sky. I looked it up, and it said that it's actually comprised of a bunch of stars (no wonder it's brightest). She gave that name to because she wanted me to outshine the people around me...someone others can look up to. Khue is also a lady's bedchamber. Back when noble ladies are kept inside, the bedchamber is only opened to those of great importance...so she wants me to be selective of those whom I give my happiness to (oh, God, if that sentence doesn't make any sense, I'm sorry), and be elegant and graceful and accomplished ("A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern language, to deserve the word" and "To all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading."--Jane Austen) as those ladies who inhabit those chambers. Tu is generally a very masculine name, like Tuan Tu (I used to have crush on this kid with this name...first grade), which means handsome and intelligent with abilities to lead. So...in a very sexist society, my mother gave me the name Tu, hoping that I will take on good traits of the male species and lead those who need leading, like my future pets (JK.)

Tomorrow, my mother, Mlle. Smith, and I are going to Irvine for UCI Discovery Day. Yay! I'm excited. Then we're going to a massage place afterward. Hopefully it'll all go well.

I can think of more stuff that get me excited:

WINTER CLOTHES!

Rejection helps you to discover who does not vibrate at the same frequency as you, and therefore it lets you know whom not to waste your energy and resources with.

No go on Barnard. I'm not incredibly bummed, but I speed-walked to the bathroom to cry my disappointment out. It was took less than five minutes. Thank God Barnard was incredibly cold and rude in their rejection letter or else I would be more bummed.

My mother took me to visit UC Irvine on Sunday. It was a lovely campus. There was a lot of Asian people, but the ones I've seen were attractive, so I don't mind. Plus, when I went into the Visitor Center to grab a map, I saw the cutest guy--possibly Greek or Persian--manning the Info Desk. I think I'm going to like it here.

Then we went and got our whole body massaged. It was incredibly nice and it felt so good.

I turned in my SIR and paid my non-refundable deposit yesterday and just paid my housing application fees today. It feels so good, and I am incredibly excited.

I told my friends, and everyone was like, "it's not like I don't want you to go somewhere you really want to go, but I'm glad you're at most an hour away." Mlle. Jang is going to USC. Mlle. Smith is going to CSUCI. Mlle. Connelly is going to LMU. Mlle. Johnston is going to CSU Long Beach and was especially excited when I told her. Mlle. Hatfield hasn't decided yet, but it is most likely that she will go to CSU Long Beach too just to piss Mlle. Johnston off. I wish those two would stop hating each other.

Oh, yeah, I've almost forgotten about Heel Day. It was great. I wore my heels with ankle socks and received so many compliments. Only a few girls did it with me, but they looked great and the other ones looked like they wished that they did it too. Guess who stared at me when I walked to class that day looking great. If you guess M. Lythgoe, you are absolutely correct. Okay, seriously, you've asked somebody else to Prom--you forfeited your privilege to stare, so please stop.

Speaking of Prom...now that it's a little bit more than a month away, I'm kind of freaking out because I hate two pimples on my face because I was lazy last week and ate junk food that whole week, so, yeah, my face is kind of messed up at the moment. So, I've started a new diet and new skincare regiment.


Diet:

• No more junk food.
• Drink a glass of tea per day.
• Drink at least five cups of milk per week.
• Drink a glass of water per day.

Obviously, the point is to detox my body so this kind of disaster will not occur. Ever again. I like having nice skin, thank you very much.

Skincare:

1. Remove make-up and cleanse lightly.
2. Apply honey to face for ten minutes.
3. Rinse and cleanse for real.
4. Tone.
5. Moisturize.
6. Apply this disgusting-smelling night creme to my face.

Well, this is obviously for my night regiment. My morning regiment is steps 3 to 5. And then there's the make-up routine that I have and must specifically follow because I am anal like that.

Make-Up:

1. Moisturize.
2. Foundation.
3. Blush.
4. Chapstick.
5. Eyeliner.
6. Highlighter.
7. Lipstick.
8. Mascara.

And there's my hair styling regiment, but that one's more complicated to explain because it has many variations.

But starting this week till Prom, I will not wear foundation unless my skin looks horrible. I know I said my skin looks disgusting right now, but it really isn't. It just looks unsightly because I look at myself with a magnifying glass. Not wearing foundation is supposed to help your skin, so I'm up for it. Saves me time too.

It seems like Mlle. Jang is trying to be better friends with me, which is nice, except I have no time to hangout because my mother hates it when I go out. Grr. I want to do yoga with her and Mlle. Smith. I just want to hangout like a regular girl, but I can't.

Mlle. Smith and I, and possibly my mother and Mlle. Jang, are going to UC Irvine next Wednesday to tour that campus and dorms. I'm so excited, you have no idea.

Now that I think about it, my mother always gets what she wants. Everything works and fits her plans the way she wants them too. It's like the people upstairs love her more than they love me.

That's a lie. They love me in a different way. I'm an incredibly lucky child. I've never been seriously hurt in my entire life. Never broken a bone...nothing. Almost gotten hit by a car, stepped in shards of glass, lost a foot, gotten rabies, stabbed and sliced by a knife, gotten stuck for weeks in Italy, gotten stuck and lost in Vietnam at the airport, and bunch of other almosts. I'm just lucky like that. My well-being is looked after.

Sometimes I wonder if I truly want to go to UCI or if my enthusiasm is just something my brain make up to ensure my survival through these rejections. Either way, I don't care. I just kind of want to know, that's all.

I talked to Mlle. Kodoma today. It was really nice. I miss her and I wish she was here.

There are three types of friends: those like food, without which you can't live; those like medicine, which you need occasionally; and those like an illness, which you never want.

So, this weekend, I kind of made peace with myself about my upcoming rejection from Barnard. I was going to go to Irvine, study my butt off, and be the one doing the rejecting the next time around. That was my plan, as set in stone as my plans could possible be. I told my friends, and they were more than happy because we would be a few minutes (at most an hour) away. My mother and I got on so well this last weekend because of that.

But now University of Rochester--which I just assumed would reject me since they accept 38% of all applicants while Wellesley accepts 32% and they rejected me--accepts me and is probably giving me tons of money to go there. I'm so lost.

Pros

1. Rochester is a huge-ass city, which means plenty of volunteer and job opportunities.
2. It's ranked higher than UCI and is one of the new Ivies.
3. It's one of the leading research universities right now.
4. You just need to take classes for your major, so no gen. ed.
5. It's 300 miles from NYC, which is a whole lot closer to it than I will ever be at Irvine.
6. Last, and most importantly, it has a neuroscience department, and I want to be a neuroscience major. I honestly don't care about the other stuff, but UCI is almost the same in those aspects, but neuroscience is something I really want to get involve in.

Cons

1. It's far away. I mean, I can understand going all the way across the country to study at Barnard and Columbia, but to study at a school that's ranked a wee bit higher than my in-state school doesn't make much sense. But the neuroscience department is just so so so irresistible.
2. It's not NYC.

Can you imagine how lost I feel now? Now it feels like I'm waiting for Barnard's acceptance letter to swoop in and save me from making bad decisions all  over again. I love Barnard, but I don't want my hopes and dreams to be shattered and trampled all over, something that will happen if I keep getting my hopes up.

But, for sure, wherever I choose to go, I will become the applicant that medical schools can't resist. They won't be the ones rejecting me the second time around. I'll reject all of them save for Columbia Medical School.

So, away from collegial stuff...

Prom planning is a nightmare! People keep freaking changing their minds!

Okay, so we have a bus for 18 people but we only have eight people so far (Mlle. Lopez dropped out to go on another bus after giving us her words, what the heck? but Mlle. Macias managed to find someone to take Mlle. Lopez's place). So I talked to Mlle. Yun, who has a group of ten and no bus, so if they merge with us, it'll be perfect.

Not.

Mlle. Yun is the only one I can stand in their little group. The rest of them are annoying as hell and are just asking to be slapped. So I asked Mlle. Coleman and her group, and she says she's telling everyone tonight, which is great. Her group is huge. They'll get ten people with no problems.

And then Mlle. Jang--who's going on Mlle. Lanter's bus, the same bus Mlles. Velasco and Yasakova (oh, they are an entirely different story), keeps interfering with our plans because she talks to Mlle. Smith and Mlle Smith is the most malleable person on this whole planet! Mlle. Lanter's group isn't going to dinner before the Prom like we are, and Mlle. Smith wants us to cancel to the dinner reservation to. Are you serious? Mlle. Macias, who is normally calm and gentle, nearly blew her top when she called me (because I left at lunch and skipped 5th and 6th to go home and finish my Sim's new house. Haha. The things seniors do). I called Mlle. Smith to tell her that there was possibly no way we're going to cancel our dinner reservation. She reasoned that it was too much, but was willing to do dinner anyways since it would make us happy. I told her that she shouldn't do that, and that she should only do dinner if she really wanted to. She said she wanted to do dinner, I knew she didn't. She kept trying to convince me that she wanted to do dinner, but a fool could tell that she wanted otherwise. So I pretended to believe her and hung up. Then I asked around and apparently, all these losers were not going to freaking dinner which made her convince that dinner wasn't necessary.  So I called Mlle. Macias again and told her about my plan to eat dinner before, but only to eat a little bit so it wasn't terribly expensive, then eat at Prom with everybody else. Problem solved. You're welcome.

God, Mlles. Velasco and Yasakova make me so mad! Especially Mlle. Yasakova. She just assumes that everything and everyone revolves around her dramatic little life. But Friday was when people who were going on our bus needed to confirm with us that they were for sure going. Everybody was supposed to tell me before school ended. So there I was, at freaking five o'clock, calling Mlle. Yasakova over and over and over again (why the eff do you carry a cellphone if you're not going to use it?). I took a break from that and called Mlle. Velasco--who called me at two and requested an extension till six. Mlle. Velasco said that she didn't know what to do. And I was very patient then, not at all pissed off like I am now. I was like, "Okay, well, what are your deciding factors?" And she said that she didn't feel comfortable with Mlle. Smith. Well, honey, if you hadn't ditch us, that wouldn't have happened, would it? NO.  But I was really really nice then, so I was like, "Okay, well, you do whatever you feel comfortable doing. I don't want to force you to come with us and make you have a crappy night." So she chose the other bus. I called Mlle. Yasakova again and she didn't pick up. She didn't even have a damn voice mailbox or whatever. I called Mlle. Velasco and asked her to ask Mlle. Yasakova for me. So Mlle. Velasco called right back and told me that Mlle. Yasakova was coming with her to the other bus. At that point, I got really mad. I kind of started to raise my voice at Mlle. Velasco, but I stopped and apologized because I was getting mad at the wrong person.  Mlle. Velasco was trying to get me to sympathize with Mlle. Yasakova. She said that Mlle. Yasakova liked to talk about her problems and didn't like it when Mlle. Smith and I just dismissed them like they were nothing. Well, first of all, we never dismissed them. We talked and talked and talked about them until we got sick of talking. Second of all, okay, so having a conversation means talking and listening.  She always talks and never listens to problems, and she thinks we're being unreasonable? Ugh. I. Am. So. Sick. Of. Her.

And then now, Mlles. Smith and Velasco are talking again, but Mlle. Smith says that her forced conversations with Mlle. Yasakova always returned to Mlle. Yasakova and her problems. Well, I'm not putting more efforts into a one-sided relationship. Period.

And guess whose bus Mlle. Jang and Tran Sr. are going on now that their party bus is broken up? Mlle. Lanter's bus when they could have joined ours and save us bunches of money. Then I really thought about it. I was really close with Mlle. Velasco, so to think that she could have spared me all the worrying about the party bus but chose not to is kind of annoying. I love Mlle. Velasco, but she is very shallow. I thought I was shallow, but she's even more shallow that me. And that says a lot.

Anyways, tomorrow, Mlles. Smith, Johnston, and Hopkins, and I are going to the beach to take pictures. Well, I'm taking pictures of them. Their hair will be curled. They'll have on red lipstick and cat eyes and long dresses. It'll be great! I'm excited!

If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that "Members not Present" and "Subjects Discussed" were one and the same.

I can feel my nonchalance wearing off. I got rejected from NYU ( I KNOW!) but got deferred to NYU Poly, which, in a sense, is an extension of NYU, but it does not have my major: Neuroscience. I can always take Biomedical Engineering, but that's not what I want. I'm so freaked out and depressed.

Barnard will reject me, I know it, yet somewhere in the back of my mind, there's still foolish hopes and dreams that they won't. I feel like crying right now because if I don't get in, I'll have to go to UC Davis or NYU Poly. I don't know. Things would just untangle if I get into Barnard.

My mother thinks I want to go as far away as possible since I'm choosing Davis over Irvine and applied to all those schools on the East Coast. No duh. I want out, and getting into Barnard will give me the ticket. That's why it's so so so very important for Barnard to accept me. Everything about it is just perfect, and it just needs to accept me.

My mom's forcing me to go to Irvine now. That's complete BS. I'm going to be living there for four years and I need to like where I'll be. I don't want to finally escape her and be reeled back on weekends just like that. I hate Irvine so much more now just because she endorses it.

My dad is on my side. For now. I hope he'll remain on my side and not go off to the dark side.

Everyday, I see girls who do normal things, like going out with friends and talking on the phone, and things that they love doing, like dancing, and I get incredibly jealous because their families support what they do. I have to do this, I have to do that. When I offer an opinion, I'm told it's not appreciated because I'm too young and naive to have an opinion on everything. When I ask to participate in something I like, it's disregarded as being unnecessary. She hates it when I go out with friends and would give me a hard time about it. When I do volunteer stuff, she would rush me home or comment on how often I do it. I hate that.

But to be fair, I mean, I can see where she's coming from. She's raised in a family-centric culture, so me going out with friends and stuff is weird for her. I mean, she has friends, but she hung out with her sisters more since there are like, six of them. She also grew up poor which strengthens familial bonds because people who go through tough time together bond because they have the same common enemy: adversity.  She was more intelligent than all of my aunts, so she saw things differently and knew that she was different then the other girls who only lived to doll themselves up. Beauty fades, but knowledge remains, so she always pushes her children to get the best education they possibly can.

When I was growing up, I was a funny looking child. I'm skinny to the point where looks bony ever since I could remember, so growing up, I was a little bit on the uglier side compared to my two cousins of the same age, who grew up all pretty. My sister, who was supposed to support me, made sure that I knew I was ugly whenever I tried to make myself pretty and would always try to get on my cousins' good side. Well, I turned to studying because that was what I was good at, and that was how I got attention, but I isolated myself in the process. No one seems to be on my wavelength, but they're on on each other's, so it's like I'm an outsider in my own family anyways. But with that education, I know--hope, wish, pray--that there is more to life that just studying for years and years and years to become a doctor only to put it on hold to start a family. I don't want that for myself. I want something different. I want to travel, to feast my eyes on the wonderful world around me so I have something to look back at when I'm older. But traveling means ripping myself from the family.

She just condemns me for trying to break apart, but she's done the same thing! She moves us up here, an hour and a half--without traffic--away from where the main family lives. I've seen how clingy and intrusive it is. My cousins' relationships are forever under attack from the aunts, my mother included, simply because the girls are not who they have chosen. I don't want my boyfriend to have to go through that. I don't want to look back on my relationships and wonder if things would have been better if they'd let us be.

Well, actually, I'd just realized something. I'm not an emotional person, but I've been crying non-stop since nine. It is now about half past eleven. You know what this mean? I'm getting my period pretty soon. Goddamn it.

I think this is actually not as complicated as it seems. I just need to get into Barnard and all the problems would be solved.

So, Barnard, please please please please please accept me.