A historical romance is the only kind of book where chastity really counts.

Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.

So yesterday, I've noticed that Mlle. Nguyen got really touchy-feely with M. Nikitin while the four of us were putting our face masks on. He kept asking me to put the stuff on his face for him, but I really didn't want to send mixed signals, so I was just like, "Oh my gosh, it's not that hard. Just do it," because it's seriously isn't hard--you just slab it on and peel it off after half an hour, but Mlle. Nguyen did the whole thing for him. Spoiled brat.

Then later than evening, I wanted to go to the Langson Library, and M. Nikitin was the only one available to go, so me and him went. The moment we stepped in the library, things got really flirty. Like, I wasn't kidding when I said I didn't want to send mixed signals and that equated to not initiate any kind of flirting. God, I don't know how I could have lasted in the elevator alone with him. I just stared at the floor number thingy, trying to look deep in thought, and I could totally see him looking at me the entire time. Then we just wandered around aimlessly amongst the books. We talked about neutral thing, but he was almost always nearly pressed up against my back and his arms would almost always be touching mine when we reached for books. Once, we were at a dead end, and we were standing so close and the tension was so fucking great. I wanted him to make a move and kiss me or...just do something about it. But I chickened out and told him that I could squeeze in between the wall and the shelf, and I did, escaping. Then I found books on prostitution and decided to check them out. When we headed back to the elevator, there was still lots of tension between us, but there was this girl there too, so nothing happened.

I was going to go back to my room, but he suggested that we get tea, and we drank tea in his room. Then he asked me if I could help him study for his math quiz tomorrow. Well, he's doing Math 2A, which is Single Variable Calculus, and I took two years of that shit, so I stayed and helped. Well, things got flirty again, but we got shit done. Like, when we worked on problems, he would kneel really close to me so our arms would touch. Then he'd lightly elbow me and I'd elbow him back. Then he'd brush the back of my hand and I'd do it to him.

He suggested that I spent the night. We stayed up till two studying for his math quiz. I went to sleep a bit earlier because I was tired and after a while, he slid in beside me and put his arms around me. We passed out at about four in the morning.

In the middle of kissing, I told him that I wanted to kiss him in the library, and he asked me why I didn't. I was like, "Well, it's because you like [Mlle. Yee]," and he said, "I'm not into her anymore. And in case you haven't noticed, I like you a lot." I was just like, "WAIT, WHAT?" and he was like, "Why do you think I spend so much time hanging out with you?"

I'm so glad M. Uribe sleeps with an eye mask on and music plugged in because, fucking God, I would have been horribly screwed that night. He asked me to stay this weekend since M. Uribe is going home. Well, Mlle. Yee is also going home, so if I stay behind, we each have a room to ourselves. But I've already stayed here for the past two weeks, so I really have to go home this week because my parents miss me.

I woke up to him kissing me again. I probably got one and a half of sleep that night.

Oh, that's right. I asked him what we were, and he said he didn't want to put a label on us, but I was like, "Well, I want to know," and he said, "Yeah, me too." He asked me what I wanted and told me that he'd agree to whatever I was going to ask. I told him I didn't know at the moment, but we agreed not to make anything public right now because of all the drama going on, especially now that Mlle. Nguyen was back in the picture. He said I shouldn't worried since he wasn't the type of guy who got around. At this point, I laughed and told him that the morning after our first kiss, I thought he did that to all the girls who've slept in his bed. He was just like, "Oh, NO. I've never touched [Mlle. Nguyen]." It feels good to be the only one he's done this too, you know?

Love begins with an image; lust with a sensation.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I slept over at M. Nikitin's Wednesday night. In his bed. With him. Yes, I did. One thing led to another and we sorta kinda fooled around most of the night. Does that make me a slut? Please say no.

I'm sorry, Mlle. Nguyen, but I kissed the boy you kinda like. Like, I know you're mad at him right now and everything, but that still doesn't make it okay. I saw how your face was when you saw me walking with him the other day; I'd hate to imagine your face when you find out about what happened.

I like being with him more than I do with M. Paff. I mean, M. Paff is more experienced, and he has a way with touch, but M. Nikitin makes me feel loved. He kept kissing my face the entire time, and when I kissed his cheek, I could feel him smiling. I think we actually passed out at threeish.

The whole time, I was just like, "I can't believe I'm kissing/doing this with [M. Nikitin]," and, at some point, I told him. He laughed and said, "I know. I can't believe I'm kissing you either."

In the early morning, I woke up to him kissing me. I was like, "What time is it?" since it wasn't even light out. It was five, and he apologized for waking me up so early. We kissed for the longest time. His roommate, M. Uribe kept stirring in his sleep, and I was so scared he would wake up and catch us, but M. Nikitin would leaned over and covered me with his arms and shoulders--which are very very very nice since he works out and everything. And, oh, my God, his bed CREAKS! Fucking hell. Every single time it did, I was just like, "Please let [M. Uribe] be a heavy sleeper."

Anyways...so after forever, I asked him for the time, and he stopped kissing me for a second and said, "You have to go soon, unfortunately." It was 6:56. I have class at 8, and I need to leave at 7:30, so I need to start getting ready at 7 to make it on time. So we kissed some more before I pulled away. He helped me look for my earring and the rest of my stuff which were sprawled all over his bed. Then, as I tied my hair up in front of the mirror and getting ready to leave, I could see him watching me from behind. He stepped forward and hugged me from behind, and I leaned up to kiss him.  After a while, I was like, "[M. Nikitin], I need to go." He wanted me to stay for breakfast, but I was planning to eat on the way to class, so I declined.

It was kind of awkward when he went to dinner with us. I was gonna play it cool, but that plan went out the window when he came out to meet us. He stood next to me, and everyone else was talking except for us, or we would talk to other people but not to each other. I couldn't look him in the eye without getting embarrassed.

After dinner, we helped Mlle. Yee study for her Chemistry midterm. I would write on the white board, and he'd be standing next to me, telling me what to write, and I'd lean over just a bit so we'd be touching, and we'd be like that until Mlle. Yee came over. Yup. We managed to get back to normal at the end of the night though.

When we finally talked about it on Friday. I was sick when the happened, and had to pull away occasionally to cough. We even joked about him getting sick too. Well, Friday afternoon, it was just the two of us alone in his room on Reddit, and I was on his bed several minutes before, coughing all over it, and he said something about me getting him sick again, and I was like, "Again? You didn't get sick that time," which is really not fair. Then I was like, "Do you do that to all the girls that sleep in your bed?" He said no, but the way he said it was really adorable because he was tired and he was kind of hugging his pillow while trying to hold a conversation with me. Anyways, he thinks I'm a good kisser.

I got sicker when I got a ride from my mom's friend with her kid. Now I have a persistent giant headache.

I'm glad I went home this weekend. I got a new phone. Whoot whoot. And a new laptop. But my mother and daddy showered me with love <3

Friends with benefits? Don't sample the goodies unless you're willing to risk addiction and withdrawal.

On Sunday, Mlle. Johnston called me up and asked if I wanted to go see Friends with Benefits. I asked my mother and she said it was okay. So, we went and saw it with her mother, who also paid for me.

It’s a typical rom-com. It’s funny, has a happy ending where the guy realizes that he’s been in love with the girl the whole time. Well, life doesn’t work like that, but knowing that didn’t stop me from sharing my thoughts with M. Paff. I was only a quarter serious, but I jokingly—completely jokingly—asked him if he wanted to be mine, and he said he was 50/50 on the idea and he would need time to think about it before giving me an answer. I think he was serious. Well, the thing is, for the past couple of days, I’ve been complaining about how I wanted to be with someone after I found out that I actually did not kiss David, which is good, don’t get me wrong. Yes, I was disappointed, but I was very, very, very relieved.

Then today, M. Paff and I video chatted again for a bit until he started to play Black Ops at the same time. Sure, I love watching guys play Black Ops as much as the next girl, but I ended the call because I wanted to talk to M. Monge. Well, I didn’t tell him that, of course, but M. Paff wanted me to stay on so we could talk while he played. Um…I don’t ever want to be a second thought, so I said it was alright. Then, after a while, he said I looked good. I was like, “I’m not mad at you,” and he was like, “Are you going to take a compliment or are you going to overanalyze it?”

Well, I have a gigantic pimple on my nose, but, okay, I’ll take it. There was something I wanted to do uninterrupted, so I told everyone I was talking to that I was going to bed. That was at midnight, so it was understandable. So I downloaded music and synched my iPhone. I also worked on catching up with blog; it’s nice to be caught up—I’m still working on that.

Then, at about one, I went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I texted/Skyped M. Paff asking if he was up, and he was. I told him I couldn’t sleep, and he seemed concerned—which is always nice. Then we talked, and he confessed that he’d been having weird thoughts lately and he was wondering if I’d be creeped out if I knew he was very seriously considering what I’d said the other day. The conversation got going and I told him that it wouldn’t be such a good idea for me to enter into a no-string-attached relationship with him if I was the least bit attracted to him, and I was a bit attracted to him. So, I’ll think he cares for me, when he doesn’t, and start to like him back, and that’s going to work in this kind of a relationship. He said that if I thought I couldn’t handle it, then it’d be a better idea to not get into it. I concurred.

Then he asked me why I even thought of the whole friends with benefits thing, and I told him basically everything. Then I asked him, and he said he wasn’t attracted to me (the nerves…haha jk), but, for some reason, he thought I’d looked really good today, so he started to reconsider it.

Okay, well, I think I’ve had better days, but the only thing I did differently today was I had my hair up. Now that I think about it, when I started to gather my hair to put it up, he’d stopped playing and started watching. Hmm…that’s interesting since M. Dow says I look a lot prettier with my hair down, but M. Paff prefers me with my hair up.

Just to clear things up, even if M. Paff and I got into that kind of a relationship, we most likely (95% sure) wouldn’t go all the way because I’d like my first time to be with someone who loves me.

But then again, I’ve been saying that my whole life about my first kiss.

Oh, I almost forget about M. Monge. I’m so glad he doesn’t see me as a piece of meat anymore. Now he sees me as a female friend he gets off to. Hah. Just kidding. Kind of.

But I like talking to him because even though he accuses me of asking the world’s weirdest questions, he answers me seriously, be it about college or sexual fetishes.

Men get laid, but women get screwed.

Yesterday, I got home at two-ish in the morning and was dead tired and sleepy until I got into bed, where I texted/Skype M. Foghi until about five, when we both feel asleep. Monsieur Foghi is an acquaintance from school since freshman year. That kid has an unnatural obsession with his goddamn penis. Anyways, somehow the conversation turns to why I don't and have never had a boyfriend. He says it's because I look high maintenance because I wear nice clothes, but once you get to know me, you realize that I'm not. And then later, he says I look like the type of girl that smokes cigars at a swanky but dark bar, waiting for a man to approach her. Wow, I really like the sound of that. I sound so mysterious...like a femme fatale.

Or like Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct. That interrogation scene is mad hot, not gonna lie.

Anyways, then I got up at nine and had crazy cramps. Well, which was perfect since I was supposed to go to Hurricane Harbor that day with the girls, but things came up and then now this, so it ended up being only Mlles. Jang and Tran the Elder that went.

So, I had the apartment to myself for the first time in a while. What's a better way to appreciate my solitude than to lounge around in just my underwear? It felt very liberating, like the whole place was mine and mine alone just because I was so exposed. Maybe that's why my bathroom is my favorite place in the whole house.

Then, at 8ish, Mlle. M phoned and I asked her to come over since I know how she feels alone right now. We were on Chatroulette for a bit and then we went to Trader Joe's to look for this guy who sold weed. I wasn't buy shit; I'm saving up for my summer wardrobe. He wasn't there so we drove back. On the way back, I found out that Mlle. M currently had a fuck buddy and she was in love with him and he wasn't in love with her. Then we went on Chatroulette some more (till one in the morning, actually), and I found out a fuck load of information about Mlle. M that I didn't need to know...I'd rather not know. I found out because we played "Never Have I Ever" with five fingers with these two boys from Florida. I haven't done jack shit, so it's pretty much a given that I won that game. But Mlle. M was the first one to get eliminated since she's done anal, given a blow job in a vehicle, slept with more than two people but less than five, hooked up in a movie theatre, and gone further than making out. The craziest thing I've ever done was making out with a dog, and I wasn't even conscious or consensual. But back to Mlle. M...learning all that about her just disturbs me. I'm still her friend and stuff, but...I don't know.

As you can probably already tell, I am a very easily disturbed person.

Things like this threatens my little bubble of how life and the world ought to be. Suddenly everything seems cold and bleak. The world of TED videos, intellectual enlightenment, and romance disappears. In its place is a world where humans behave at the basest and crudest level, a world where morons get paid more than intellectuals for being morons, where things like fuck buddies and one-night stands exist and replace the notion that sex is the highest form of intimacy, where everyone is so obsessed with pleasure and taking it or his/herself regardless of the detrimental effect that has on society. I don't like this world, but that's what it is. Escaping it just means I'm escaping reality...going crazy.

I seriously don't know what to think. I mean, humans are technically animals too, but it takes a collective effort to keep socity from unraveling. Here I am preoccupied with the preservation of society, but what is it anyways? Doesn't being a part of society mean giving away my sense of self and become a mindless robot? See, if it comes to that then it's really pointless for me to keep on living and keep on wondering and keep on getting confused. Let's be real. I'm horribly average and there will definitely be tons of others to replace me. I don't know. I'm not contemplating suicide. It's just my train of thought.

But because of the things that Mlle. M has revealed, I don't think I want to lose my V card anytime soon. I don't want to lose it while I'm still a "teenager"; I don't want to be part of the statistics. Twenty seems a bit too young still. Twenty one is iffy since alcohol adds another variable to the equation. Alright, so twenty two it is. I will abstain from engaging in sexual activities until then. And under absolutely no condition will I ever engage in a no-string-attach relationship. That's a promise.

Well, masturbation doesn't count, of course. That shit helps with my insomnia.

So, the other day, I sent M. Patterson a message that read, "I like waking up to you," and a smiley face. Short and sweet. He wasn't online at that time and we wasn't online for days, and Skype sends offline messages whenever we're both online. So, this morning, a few minutes before I woke up, he messaged me back. Was I happy? Very.


We talked while I got ready for work. We both really wanted to, you know, actually talk, but that was out of the question since I was nowhere near ready at late in the morning (it was about half past eight). And my mic's recently started to work again, so it'd be a much better conversation. His schedule is so irregular since he freelances, and mine is pretty regular but I get no privacy at all in the house.

This is a non-sequitur, but I hate it when people know on the bathroom door when it's clearly occupied. I'd just take twice as long on purpose just to piss them off.

But, you know, if I'm this happy with someone I'm mildly interested in, how happy will I be with someone whom I actually love and who loves me? Very,very, very happy.

When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.

I've forgotten the joy of driving your own car with the windows down and the music blasting. One of the best feelings in the whole wide world. It's kind of like dancing, actually. I remember distinctly this one scene at Prom where everyone started jumping up and down in unison to the beat. The strobe light was going and all of the sudden, I was lost and was part of the crowd. And I didn't mind it. It felt good to be part of a crowd to lose myself for a bit. I wonder why that is.

So, I've found out recently that one of my cousins has recently lost her virginity. It disturbs me for a bit. 

Well, there's always four of us that have always been together. Over time, Mlle. Truong and Mlle. La grew closer together while my sister and I remained apart. Still, there were always four of us. Like, it's not even an option for one of us to get married and not have the other three be a part of the bridal party. It's just how it is. There's Mlle. Truong and I--we're the same age. Next is Mlle. La, who is a year younger but very mature. Then my sister, who's the complete opposite of everybody. Sure, there are four of us, but sometimes I think it's more like three of us adults and then a little kid. Now that one of them has lost her virginity, I feel so compelled to grow up too. The only reason why the other hasn't lost hers is because her boyfriend isn't interested in that at the moment.

Maybe the reason why I'm disturbed is because someone who grew up with me and is about my age has gotten so intimate with another person already while I have absolutely no experience at all. Plus, the only reason why I found out was because I found the Plan B thing on the bed, hidden under a mess of blankets. I was like, "Hey, [name], are you still a virgin?" Of course not. What a stupid question. She didn't answer, but she smiled. I was like, "You guys didn't use protections?" and she said, "We did, but it ripped." Then after a little bit, she started telling me more and more about it and about her boyfriend. He bought the Plan B thing. I didn't know it was that expensive. It is. Sixty bucks for one pill. But sixty bucks for assurance is a pretty good price.

Then me and that cousin hung out a lot all day. I met her boyfriend, who seems really nice, but she keeps him a secret from everyone in the family except for the few of us since he's black and the family is full of racists. We just talked about growing up and stuff, and I told her about smoking weed. She and the other cousin have always been more on the wild side, and me and my sister on the more conservative side.

Her graduation was boring, like all graduations, but I had this dress on and it was amazing! Everyone was complimenting me on it. And I was considering giving it away since it didn't fit right, but with a few adjustments, it fits me very well now...if I don't gorge on food since it's very form fitting.

I actually talked to M. Dow for a long time a few days ago. I hope he's okay, but I won't find out until Wednesday night.