Sorry is hardest to say when it matters the most.

A historical romance is the only kind of book where chastity really counts.

Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.

So yesterday, I've noticed that Mlle. Nguyen got really touchy-feely with M. Nikitin while the four of us were putting our face masks on. He kept asking me to put the stuff on his face for him, but I really didn't want to send mixed signals, so I was just like, "Oh my gosh, it's not that hard. Just do it," because it's seriously isn't hard--you just slab it on and peel it off after half an hour, but Mlle. Nguyen did the whole thing for him. Spoiled brat.

Then later than evening, I wanted to go to the Langson Library, and M. Nikitin was the only one available to go, so me and him went. The moment we stepped in the library, things got really flirty. Like, I wasn't kidding when I said I didn't want to send mixed signals and that equated to not initiate any kind of flirting. God, I don't know how I could have lasted in the elevator alone with him. I just stared at the floor number thingy, trying to look deep in thought, and I could totally see him looking at me the entire time. Then we just wandered around aimlessly amongst the books. We talked about neutral thing, but he was almost always nearly pressed up against my back and his arms would almost always be touching mine when we reached for books. Once, we were at a dead end, and we were standing so close and the tension was so fucking great. I wanted him to make a move and kiss me or...just do something about it. But I chickened out and told him that I could squeeze in between the wall and the shelf, and I did, escaping. Then I found books on prostitution and decided to check them out. When we headed back to the elevator, there was still lots of tension between us, but there was this girl there too, so nothing happened.

I was going to go back to my room, but he suggested that we get tea, and we drank tea in his room. Then he asked me if I could help him study for his math quiz tomorrow. Well, he's doing Math 2A, which is Single Variable Calculus, and I took two years of that shit, so I stayed and helped. Well, things got flirty again, but we got shit done. Like, when we worked on problems, he would kneel really close to me so our arms would touch. Then he'd lightly elbow me and I'd elbow him back. Then he'd brush the back of my hand and I'd do it to him.

He suggested that I spent the night. We stayed up till two studying for his math quiz. I went to sleep a bit earlier because I was tired and after a while, he slid in beside me and put his arms around me. We passed out at about four in the morning.

In the middle of kissing, I told him that I wanted to kiss him in the library, and he asked me why I didn't. I was like, "Well, it's because you like [Mlle. Yee]," and he said, "I'm not into her anymore. And in case you haven't noticed, I like you a lot." I was just like, "WAIT, WHAT?" and he was like, "Why do you think I spend so much time hanging out with you?"

I'm so glad M. Uribe sleeps with an eye mask on and music plugged in because, fucking God, I would have been horribly screwed that night. He asked me to stay this weekend since M. Uribe is going home. Well, Mlle. Yee is also going home, so if I stay behind, we each have a room to ourselves. But I've already stayed here for the past two weeks, so I really have to go home this week because my parents miss me.

I woke up to him kissing me again. I probably got one and a half of sleep that night.

Oh, that's right. I asked him what we were, and he said he didn't want to put a label on us, but I was like, "Well, I want to know," and he said, "Yeah, me too." He asked me what I wanted and told me that he'd agree to whatever I was going to ask. I told him I didn't know at the moment, but we agreed not to make anything public right now because of all the drama going on, especially now that Mlle. Nguyen was back in the picture. He said I shouldn't worried since he wasn't the type of guy who got around. At this point, I laughed and told him that the morning after our first kiss, I thought he did that to all the girls who've slept in his bed. He was just like, "Oh, NO. I've never touched [Mlle. Nguyen]." It feels good to be the only one he's done this too, you know?

Curious and curiouser.

So Halloween was a bust. I got dressed up but nowhere to go. Then we got locked out so we stayed in M. Nikitin's room with me wearing his clothes cause I had on that night were tights and a leotard and a tutu.

Then shit got complicated. M. Nikitin and I held hands under the blanket while we all watched a movie. Then Mlle. Yee came in and we stopped.

Then today, she says she doesn't know how she feels about him, and he still likes her. Like, why the fuck did you hold my hand then? I'm fucking confused too, except I can't tell her about it because she's already expressed interests in him and he likes her, so she automatically wins and I'm just this thing that gets caught in between.

And then while we were texting--we text a shitload now--I accused him of sending mixed signals. He accused me of the same thing. But just to clear things up: we both agree that there's nothing going on between us.

Oh, yeah, so the other day he came over and noticed that I had a bottle of cologne on my desk, and he was like, "You wear cologne?" and I was like, "Yeah," and we had a whole conversation about that. Then when I was wearing his clothes, I remembered this story where this guy drenched the scarf of the girl he liked in his perfume, so when she got it back and whenever she wore it, she thought of him. So, I sprayed myself with perfume cologne while wearing his clothes, but the scent is only noticeable if he puts the shirt to his face and inhale it.

So later in the night, he texts me and comments on how strong my perfume is...well.

Apparently, my scent is very recognizable =3

I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year.

I honestly don't know how I feel about anything anymore.

So Mlle. Yee's found out on her own that M. Nikitin likes her, but M. Nikitin finds out that she's friendzoned him so bad it's not even funny, and he's disappointed. I'm just in the middle of all this. Sometimes I want him really bad, but other times I don't.

Yesterday was kind of crazy. We were sitting next to each other, and sometimes we'd touch, but the other person always move away after a minute or two just to come back and touch the first person with something else. Then the cycle starts again.

I don't know. It just feels like I'm just getting the attraction with not infatuation with people here.

Oh, yeah. I met a cute boy on Friday and we got talking. The only things I know about him are that he's a Music major--M. Readdick can help me with that--and he has the same iPhone case and he's in the Logic class right before my Chemistry class. I'll probably never see him again, but I'll try talking to more people now.

The secret to true happiness is a combination of low expectations and insensitivity.

Mlle. Yee texts M. Nikitin at dinner saying that I want him. She just keeps it going without knowing that he likes her. Goddamn it. It's just a silly joke, but still.

M. Paff hangs out in my room yesterday with all the girls. It's nice just sitting next to him...like, platonically speaking, of course. Mlle. Yee's convinced that we're meant for each other. Hmmm...no.

Then, of course, M. Readdick messages me on Facebook saying how the bunch of us haven't hung out in a while so we should all go to Lee's Sandwich. Well, M. Paff doesn't like strangers, so I decide to stay and hang out with him since WE haven't hung out in a while.

A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door. Guess who. The whole lot of them crashing our study party. M. Nikitin's there too, and I immediately sense tension when he sees that I'm sitting next to M. Paff, and I can definitely feel the awkwardness between the two of them since M. Nikitin knows that M. Paff knows about me and him the other night. But M. Nikitin is a bigger person and extends the invitation to M. Paff too, except M. Paff just kind of left without telling me. Rude.

It's a fun night.

Oh, yeah, guess who got an 87.5/100 on her Chem midterm. This girl.

Extreme complication is contrary to art.

So M. Paff and I have reconciled, thank God. I told him about what happened with M. Nikitin and he told me about Mlle. Lee, who is such a bitch. I think the two of us are on good terms now.

Anyways, I think M. Nikitin likes Mlle. Yee. It's just a hunch since he's always teasing her and the last two times he's slept over, he's slept in her bed, which makes me feel a bit like a third wheel, but it's really no biggie. I think she likes him as well, but I'm going to keep both thoughts to myself for now and see how things unfold.

To be honest, I was a bit interested in M. Nikitin, and I really didn't care that Mlle. Nguyen liked him too, but now that I think Mlle. Yee likes him, I'll bow out gracefully. They're cuter together anyways. Mlle. Nguyen makes things so complicated with her love-hate relationship with him; Mlle. Yee keeps things nice and simple, and that's way easier to deal with than complications, obviously.

Oh, yeah, I went kayaking with the girls yesterday. Fun fun fun. I also dropped my new phone on Thursday and now it won't get any signals and it won't charge. Just my luck.

Bio midterm tomorrow. I'm so fucking scared.

Okay, so I tell M. Nikitin my theory and he confirms it. I love being right.

Then I suddenly experience a wave of loneliness as I study for my midterm. M. Nikitin comes over, and so does Mlle. Nguyen. We all study, and there's obviously tension since Mlle. Nguyen won't talk to M. Nikitin at all. I text him from my computer, saying that as long as Mlle. Yee thinks Mlle. Nguyen likes him, he doesn't have a chance. He texts me back saying that he's told her that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her last week, which is why she's not touchy-feely with him anymore. It's just a conversation that needs to be have in person...something that can't happen right now with the other girls in the room.

Eventually, I get horribly sleepy, and I ask if there's anything I can take to keep me awake. M. Nikitin suggests coffee, and, using that as an excuse, I tell him to come with me to get it. Then EVERYTHING comes spilling out.

Mlle. Nguyen's given a letter telling him how she hates the way he treats her. He says he treats her like a sibling, but, in my opinion, if she wants him to treat her nicer, then she should start treating him nicer too, because she doesn't treat him very nicely at all. He says that he's more worried about Mlle. Yee thinking there's something going on between us than with him and Mlle. Nguyen. For some reason, I think I ask him if he thought I liked him...and he says yes. WTF? I'm like, "WHY?"

Apparently, Mlle. Nguyen's been telling him that I'm in love with him. I'm like, speechless. What the fuck? No. My god, what the fuck.

Then he says he doesn't want to make a move until he's sure that she likes him back because if she doesn't...oh boy, our whole little group would get fucked.

I feel a lot better after going out for coffee. Like, a lot better. But not about the midterm though. I still don't know shit.