But it's my scattered thoughts that keep me sane.

I am finally, legally 18!

I've been feeling so empowered lately. Usually, I'm the kind of person who just floats in life. Now, I want to be person who actually tries. I want to actually do my best, actually study this last semester of high school. I want to be a person deserving of the gifts and advantages that I've received.

My mother's just left for Vietnam a couple of minutes ago. It's hard to believe, but I was kind of sad to see her go. Usually, I couldn't careless. Well, that sounds cold and heartless, but I know she's coming back, so I'm not that worried. Can you believe she's taking my camera with her? I'm useless for three weeks!

Yesterday, I saw M. Naylor again. He greeted me first, and then gave me a hug. I suspect that he was high the whole time we were having a conversation. I mean, he was talking normally, but the way he bobbed his head as he walked was kind of suspicious. Anyways, he walked me to class and gave me another hug. Okay, so he's gone for a year and now he's giving two hugs in five minutes? Definitely odd.

My thoughts are all over the place. They can't seem to settle down. I've done this really neat watercolor painting and hopefully that's good enough for by breadth and quality. I hate how seldom I update this blog now and I can't even update it right. I'll do better next time, I promise.

My dream living room right there.

Those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I was playing The Sims 3 yesterday, and, instead of my normal game, I started a new one with a pretty young girl who lived by herself. I was just kind of spacing out and had the screen at her house. She wasn't home and the house was dark, but the moment she came home, the lights came on, illuminating the dining room in such a way that makes me want to keep my own apartment.

It'll be small, of course. Small but cozy. I'll live there by myself and greet my guests in something like this.

(except the material will be chiffon instead of satin--satin makes it look too much like a nightgown. And it'll be in white or a really sweet pastel nude color.)

I'll keep it nice and clean, with fresh flowers in vintage wine bottles like these.

It's too much to ask for, but I would love to date or be courted by a guy who'd send me flowers on special days. White roses are too bland, I think. Red roses seem more intense, but I personally prefer yellow, blue, and violet roses. They seem so much more exotic and I like them a lot more.

Anyways, I'll make sure the apartment smells nice with the flowers and candles. I'll drink a warm cup of tea every morning with my pills. The apartment will be simplistic and white, with the color of the furniture--probably grey or like, a sea foam grey--as the only accent. My coffee table will be covered with fashion books. I'll have a mannequin thing in my room so I can plan my outfits in advance. I'll have one of the really cool necklace hangers.

I'll have a closet full of dresses, hopefully from this site. It has the most beautiful dresses I've ever seen.

That's all for today. I actually looked up the apartments in NYC, and it'll cost me about $3000 or more per month for a decent apartment in Manhattan. It'll probably be just a little bit cheaper in Brooklyn or something. All this gets me so excited, but I don't know if I can manage to live by myself. I mean, seriously, I can't even unclog my own toilet. And sometimes I have nightmares and need to be held by my mother.

Well, this is basically my plans right now:

• Freshman year: Get a job once at college while maintaining good grades, good community service hours at local hospitals, good participation in extracurricular actives, and a decent social life. Study for the MCAT. Take French and ballet. Save up money to study abroad. Save money for apartment.
• Sophomore year: Study French intensely. Still do ballet. Study for the MCAT. Work while maintaining good grades, good community service hours at local hospitals, good participation in extracurricular actives, and a decent social life.Save money to study abroad. Save money for apartment.
• Junior Year: Go abroad!
• Senior Year: Apply to Columbia Medical School. Get in. Save up money for apartment.

It's a given that I should look good while doing all of these things.