I realized today how lonely my life is. I have family who care for me, but they don't really understand me. I have friends to hang out with, but sometimes I just feel like there's wave after wave of people who just don't understand. Once I realize that how things are going to be until July or August, the most forlorn feeling came over me. It's suffocating, like someone's taken a hold of my windpipe and is slowly squeezing it shut.
I don't know if it's me. Like, things would have been different if I had shared my thoughts and feelings a little bit more, but there's always this fear of being bothersome and annoying. I mean, sometimes my thoughts are very petty and malicious, and I sure as hell don't want to show that side the world. Like, with Mlle. Yasakova, I've finally figured out why she made me feel sick yesterday: all she does is complain. I don't want to be the kind of person that weights others down with my negative thoughts. Am I ever going to meet someone who will know and accept me in my entirety? Am I going to meet someone and accept that person in his/her entirety? In this world of billions of people, how am I going to meet the man who's supposed to be my soul mate before the age of thirty? How will I know if he's The One? What if I'm not The One for him? What then? I won't settle for second best, so the most likely scenario is that I'll live alone for the rest of my life. I just want someone who knows and understands me, someone who knows where I'd be if I ran away, someone who just knows and remembers things about me because he cares and pays attention.
But where am I going to find someone like that in this day and age--the era of one-night stands?
Anyways, today, after realizing that, I kind of went through the motion of being there without actually being there. When it was time to go to the Renaissance Fair, I considered just going to the library and go on StumbleUpon because I just didn't feel like being with other people, but I made myself go to the fair. I walked with Mlle. Johnston, but we split up when we found our prospective groups. However, I was left to stand alone in line when Mlle. Smith and Yasakova went in ahead because they have already gotten their tickets (Mlle. Velasco couldn't go because she's gotten a C in Calculus last semester.) I got my tickets and decided not to call and meet up with them inside like planned. I hate being a tag-along; I'd prefer my pride to stay in tact, thank you very much.
As I entered, I saw that the gym was filled with people, and as they walked past me, I just wondered how, among so many people, I couldn't manage to find anyone like-minded. I barely got to past the door when Mme. Mills asked me to fill in for one of the face painting girls who couldn't show up. With nothing to do, I accepted even though I had strongly opposed before. It made time go faster.
Anyways, Mlle. Smith and Yasakova came to the face painting table to hangout with me, but the music was too loud, I was with other people, and so they were just talking to each other the whole time. Time passed and Mlle. Yasakova left to who knows where. I didn't ask because I didn't realize that I didn't know where she was headed until now.
Mlle. Smith then asked why I didn't meet up with them. I told her why. Then she told me she wished I had been there because all Mlle. Yasakova did was complain about everything, though I don't really know how my presence would make it any better. She started to complain about Mlle. Velasco and Yasakova, but Mlle. Ocampo was there, so I told her to save it for later since Mlle. Ocampo is a sneaky little rat who would purposely try to break our group up just to spite me. We had a nice time face painting after that. Mlle. Lee painted the corner of my eye a really nice design, but she did it in red, which made it look like I broke out in hives and boils from afar--something I didn't realize until after school had ended (after a presentation in English). I gave Mlle. Smith a really nice blue design that the other girls who were there wanted the exact same one, but I gave them all different ones.
After that, I gave a presentation in English. Mme. Berman said she really liked my review on the movie Becket and would consider giving me seventy points out of fifty, which is so good since I just failed my math test earlier in the day. I was really proud of myself because I did a really nice job reading out loud--something I totally suck at because I ready a lot faster with my eyes than with my lips, so by the time I'm done pronouncing a word, my eyes are already on the next line, which makes it so hard and confusing for me to read. This time, I practiced for half an hour the night before and read fluently and clearly the day of. Yay!
In painting, us AP kids went in the gallery room and had a lovely time with the leftover hennas and face paints. Some of the regular Painting kids joined us even though they weren't supposed to--Mme. Mills would totally freak out if she knew they weren't doing their work. All and all, it was a nice ending to a crappy start.
I've been working on watercolor lately and I really enjoy it until today. A few days ago, I worked on the upper portion of Mlle. Smith's face (her eyes and nose) and did that in crimson and yellow ochre. The result was amazing (if I do say so myself), but not I can't help but look at other colors and compare it to those ones. Nothing could top it. Nothing could measure up to the loveliness of the combination, so now I'm stuck doing the same colors (crimson and yellow ochre) over and over again. I'm going to try and working in shades of grey with crimson tomorrow to see how it goes. Red is not my favorite color, but it is my favorite color to accent with. And the only colors that look good with red are black and yellow ochre. I do hope that the grey idea will work out.
Yesterday, I started this workout thing that was supposed to tone my butt. I did that since I overstretched the other day, which made my thighs unstretchable yesterday. Well, not my butt is off-limit too because it is so sore from the workout. I didn't even know I could be sore in those places. Tough.
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