The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

M. Dow and I haven't been truly talking lately. He's usually with his girlfriend, but when he does have time to talk, I have nothing to say. When I told him about it, he apologized for being distracted and all that. I think we're semi-good-ish again. Why am I talking like this? It makes me sound less intelligent and more like a teenage girl.

So I've been going on Chatroulette again. After many sleazes and penises and guys who want me to flash, I found this guy named Matt. He seemed nice enough. He said he didn't like his name, so he asked me to pick one for him. I chose Leslie. We joked that we should get married. I was like, "Okay. Show me the ring and consider it done." He was like, "Can we have seven babies?" Silly stuff like that.

He and I were having such a good conversation before I accidentally hit backspace and went to another page. But I'd asked for his Skype just moments before, so it was all good. We just moved to Skype and continued talking. As usual, once I got comfortable with him, I asked him if he was a virgin to add to my data. Yup. He WAS! Like, oh my gosh, someone who is a virgin by choice. And a male too! Attractive and NOT Mormon! Like, wow. I thought that species was extinct.

Once we finished talking, I Stumble Upon-ed this article saying that atheists and agnostics have better sex than religious people. Well, M. Dow is a living proof of that. But it also says that Protestants have a higher chance of not having Alzheimer's later on in life than everyone else. It says that those of minority religious groups often find their values and ideas contested by society which produces stress and shrinks their hippocamuses.

I feel so bad making fun of Mlle. Murphy with Mlle. Jang today. She was walking and we were walking behind her and we mimicked her waddle all the way from the office to Mme. Mills' room. Yeah, we're terrible people. Me, especially, since I'm the instigator.

There's something I want to write, but I have it all written out in one of my notebooks and when I have that notebook, I'll type it up and compare it to how I feel now.

Even Mlle. Smith has realized by now the limitations we have on our relationship. We only talk about other people when we're with each other. Our strings are no longer intertwined. They are coming undone day by day. She stays here while I move on with my life somewhere else. We love each other, but we no longer have much in common in the present nor the future. It's quite a sad thing to think about.

If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.

So...M. Dow and I have been flirting with the inappropriate ever since we started starting, but we just kind of...crossed it yesterday. I'm not supposed to repeat it since I promised him what happened would stay between the two of us, but Mlle. Jang knows what I'm talking about since I kind of told her before it happened and she guessed it right after it did happen, if that makes any sense.

So...it happened. We agree NEVER to participate in that kind of thing again. And we won't talk about it ever again.

Mlle. Jang and M. Dow and I three-way Skype-d for the first time today. He was not awkward with her at all; I'm glad. Now he knows that she knows but not because I broke our promise. Now it's just the three of us that know.

Mlle. Jang agrees that M. Dow is a very interesting person to talk to.

Anyways, I was talking to Mlle. Jang when M. Dow went to talk to his girlfriend and we decided to go on Chatroulette. I got a cute guy straight away and we switched to Skype to talk while Mlle. Jang nexted guys after guys looking for someone to talk to.

So, me and that guy just talked about college. He was older than me by a year, and he was so cute...so European and so mature, but he was American and only 19. At one point, he just stopped talking and said, "God, you're so attractive." Haha. I was a very happy girl at that point. Plus, he's a virgin. Crazy.

Mlle. Johnston ate lunch with Mlle. Smith and I today.

Mlle. Smith...I have no idea what to talk to her about beside talking about other people.

Just me and Mlle. Jang being the lovely and classy people that we are.

So, I helped set up for the Buddha's Birthday Festival and got my legs distorted by mosquitoes in the process. It's an extremely lovely sight, swells and bumps where it's meant to be smooth and straight. Jesus. Short season is coming soon too. Karma's a bitch.

Man is harder than rock and more fragile than an egg.

It never occurred to me that other people go through identity crisis too. I always thought that only emo people and me had that kind of problems.

Like, M. Dow...I never would have thought that he is the person he is  from the first glance.He's the completely opposite of what I was expecting. But we opened up and he told me all those things about him and his problems.

And then I read M. Ward's accumulation of problems today. It's quite terrible, but it's a bit like mine, only so much more intense. Poor thing. I'd love to help, but I don't know how.

Funny thing was...right before I started reading it, Mlle. Pearson, this girl in our AP Art class found it funny--ridiculous, in  fact--that I asked the people around about those moral dilemma questions. You know, there are people like her who just kind of cruise through life all happy. And then there are people like M. Dow,  M. Ward, and I. Why can't we live like that? 

I'm not saying I'm incredibly intelligent and philosophical, but sometimes it seems like having the ability of think is almost like being cursed, being born a human is an unfortunate event. We're "blessed" with consciousness to feel all the things we don't want to feel like frustration, anxiety, emptiness, hopelessness, loneliness, etc. But then again, we also enjoy the good things in life, but I can't really think of any right now.

I remember several years ago, a monk was lecturing on how fortunate we were for being born human, and I remember thinking, "I'd rather be that ugly-ass plecs fish. Sure, it's eating waste from the other fishes, but it doesn't know any better. If it tastes good to it, then it shouldn't matter. It's happy where it is with how it is. Not like us."

Now, I kind of don't think that way anymore.. Sure, it'd be nice to not know any better, but knowledge is power. It's been given to me, and if I don't use it, it'd be a waste. I only have this life once. Might as well make the most out of it.

I gave a ride to a random stranger today. Non sequitur.

I know I've been bitching about how I want this year to be over, but now that it's getting close, I want it to last just a bit more. I hate getting into habits and schedules because I feel so nostalgic looking back and remembering. Like, for the past few days and weeks, I've been coming home from school and talking to Mlle. Jang and M. Dow on Skype for hours, listening to classical music, and updating this blog. All this will end in about two weeks. I'll be working all summer. I don't know how college will go.

It just seems like, yeah, I welcome change and all that, but I was in Mme. Kennedy's room today and thought, "In a few days, I probably will never see this classroom again. I will never walk in these hallways again." All the things that I've grown accustomed to...they'll all be gone soon. There's this sinking feeling in my stomach. I don't want to let it go, but I know I have to, I want to let it go because I'll be on to bigger and better things. 

But it's a bit sad and hard to let go. Well, really sad, actually...to let something go after you've been used to it for so long...says that girl who's willing to throw everything and everyone a few months ago.

Anyways, I thought about my plan to study abroad in London and how I was just going to drop the bomb at the airport. That's not very different from running away. It's a childish thing to do. The adult thing to do would be to inform my mother and stand my ground, and I will do just that. I won't let her be in control of my life anymore. I don't want to go through life feeling like a doll and empty and commit suicide by age 30.

I've discovered that if you say, "I'm thirty years old" in a British accent, it's the saddest thing ever. Oh, God. Thirty. I never want to turn thirty.

Anyways, I've also discovered that being pretty has it advantages. Many, actually. And I'm not even like, the prettiest girl out there. Not even close. Cars stop for me more often. People let me cut in line (not because I ask). People just help me out when I need help when I don't ask for it. Like, it's great. For example, today, it was very windy, and, being a student in Mme. Berman's class, I have a folder full of crap mixed in with stuff I actually need, I was carrying my English folder in such a way that everything fell out and flew all over. I just stood there in shock at what I've just done, but almost all the people around me stopped what they were doing to grab my papers. There were so many, just flying in the wind. I'd walk for a few steps and someone would come up and hand me paper. It was nice. Unlike how things were years before, when the same thing happened and no one stopped to help. Like, literally nobody. 

It's good for me, but it's very unfair. I read this book a while ago and the main character was an ugly duckling in middle school, but she cleared up her acne and got hot for high school. One of the things she said was that pretty girls got head starts. Head starts, indeed.

Haha. This is a bad picture.

Speaking of Skype, I was talking to Mlle. Jang and watching a video at the same time. And I fell asleep. Oopsie. For two hours!

Mlle. Jang seems so lucky. She has parents who support what she does. She's allowed room and freedom and is provided with a protective environment to grow as a person. I asked her if she had any identity issues or stuff like that, and after she told me, I felt even more oppressive by my family.

Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness.

Best day of the whole year today, I think.

It started normally. We dissected a pig's heart today. Crazy exciting.

Anyways, so I was kind of ticked the whole day because this weird girl named Mlle. Choi was totally jacking my style, man. I just hate seeing what I always wear on her, especially when she's so awkward and not pretty. I don't know, there was something about her before that I didn't like. Now I definitely don't like her even more.

So what she had on looked like what I had on for the day, so when school was over, I came home and changed into a formal/corporate-y cocktail dress. I know, I should have just wore what I had on, but wore it better--not to brag, but I do anyways--but why should I when I could have worn something so much better? It's like, I'm moving on to bigger and better things...like this cocktail dress.

So, then I got Mlle. Jang to dress up formal-er too. I went to her house to help her pick out the outfit. Then I tried to get Mlle. Smith to dress formal-er too. Okay, that girl. She's freaking 18 but she doesn't know how to use a god dang computer? That's ridiculous. Anyways, we figured out how to work Skype and showed Mlle. Smith our outfits so she could kind of match.

The show was fun but uneventful. I didn't win anything. Neither did Mlle. Jang. But Mlle. Smith and Mlle. Tran the Younger won shit ton. Anyways, we had a fun time taking pictures.

Anyways, M. Ward had so much sugar, so by the time we got to the restaurant, he was high as a kite.

So, the restaurant was pretty dark, and when I walked in, I saw this really cute guy. I was like, "[Mlle. Jang], did you see him?", but Mlle. Jang just tripped so she was like, "Did you see me?" Well, she looked and said he wasn't that cute.

Anyways, he and this waitress named Kendal was our servers for the evening. His name was Eric. He wasn't there when she introduced him, and someone was like, "My friend thinks Eric is cute." I was dying. She said that it was his birthday today and that he'd just turned 25. Monsieur Purwadi immediately and quite loudly said, "Hey, he's within your age range too!" since I told him and Mlle. Jang yesterday that 25 would be the oldest I would date at 18. Kendal the waitress was like, "I can find out if he's single or not."

So he came out. We sung Happy Birthday. His name turned out not to be Eric. I don't quite remember what it was, but we each told him he looked like an Oliver, Ian, Thomas, and all that. Anyways, it was fun. We got stuffed and had a really nice conversation. Multiple, actually. Then we went outside and take more pictures.

I'm kind of very jealous of Mlle. Smith and M. Dow. It just seems like they look so much more attractive now that they're in a relationship. Grr. That's so counterproductive. You're supposed to look super hot and ooze pheromones when you're NOT in a relationship to attract potential mates. What are you doing oozing all that for when you're already taken? It's not fair.

So, I dropped M. Ward and Mlle. Smith off afterward. Then we went to Mlle. Jang's house and I let her try on the dress that I had on. It looks better on her unaltered, but there's a reason it's unaltered. Anyways, it's pretty easy to alter that dress for me--I only have to wear a belt with it. So she might be wearing that dress or the outfit that I've already picked out to this Korean concert.

Anyways, I came home and talked to M. Dow. I really really really like him--platonically, of course. I'm so glad I've met on Chatroulette. Sure, I've opened up a lot more, but I think he knows the most about me, and he says I know the most about him. We're just kind of using each other, in a way, I think. Like, an outlet. We both listen to each other's problems, and it's safe that way because they're, in a way, not part of our "real" world.

I asked randomly during the conversation that if he could change anything, what would he change. He told me about the step-father he had when he was three to five that really messed him up. He was talking about that and being lonely, and toward the end, he said he was so glad that he met me and that we became friends instead of him being just another contact on my Skype or another "friend" on my Facebook. He'd spend the day with his friends and girlfriend and come home and talk to me. Plus, he said he was glad that I was cute and great to talk to. Well, the feeling is very very very mutual.

I'm going to laugh so hard if he falls in love with a chubby black girl who has red hair and is a Mormon or something equally religious. Gonna laugh so hard. Like, no jokes.

Know what I'm going to do? Since I take a picture of M. Dow once a day anyways, I'll post it here.

It's kind of sad, but I'm glad other people feel lonely too. It makes me feel better since I'm not the only one.

I've realized that I don't always say very kind things about Mlle. Smith. Yeah, she's this way and that, but she's a very dear friend and a lovely person to have and be around. Maybe that's not apparent in this blog, but I know this for a fact and I don't want to keep having to repeat this. Unless, of course, I get really mad at her one day...but I doubt it.

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

M. Dow told me more about his mother's relationships. From what I can tell, they kind of really messed up how he views women and girls. The whole time he talked, I didn't know what to say because when I tell him about my parents and stuff, my problems just seemed so trivial compared to his. I'm just glad he's NOT like Mlle. Yasakova and doesn't say things like, "I wish I have your problems."

Anyways, I kind of told Mlle. Jang about M. Dow more and more. I told him about the above in details since I know she sympathizes with him, which she did. Dang, she was on Skype with me for from 9 to 11:30. I was talking to her and chatting with M. Dow at the same time. Then Mlle. Jang suggested that we did the rating game. Most of my friends got 5s from M. Dow--WTF?--even though Mlle. Jang and I picked out really pictures of them.

I find it a lot easier to open up to people now that I've opened up to M. Dow, but I really think it depends on the person. Like, Mlle. Jang is a good person to talk to. Mlle. Smith is a different matter. Even though I hangout with her everyday, I find it very hard to talk to her about serious subjects, so we almost always talk about other people. It's kind of a shallow relationship, what we have.

Today, Mme. Mills took the AP Studio Art kids to Starbucks for the first two periods and bought us coffee. It was "supposed to be" an Artists' Walk, where we go and get inspiration. NOT. We just drank coffee and socialized, which was nice because Mlles. Jang and Smith and I got to know M. Purwadi a bit better. I always knew he was a character, but I didn't know that he was also a fun person to have a decent conversation with either.

Steak Night tomorrow! Whoot whoot!

Seduction is always more singular and sublime than sex and it commands the higher price.

M. Dow suggests that I should seduce someone.

It's just that we were talking about how he has his girlfriend, and now Mlle. Smith has M. Smith (haha). He says I should just go out and seduce a boy and get experimental with him.

Well, you know, it's pretty easy for him to go and say, "Just seduce some guy you think is cute." He has all the experiences and none of the inhibitions. I have never done anything before, and I don't know if I like the thought of toying with someone's feeling to relieve my boredom and loneliness. It's not really loneliness, actually. Maybe it's the desire to be loved by the opposite sex. I don't know. It just seems like since everyone's coupled up, I just feel kind of left out--not really. Like, sure I want to be in the same lovey-dovey relationship and do lovey-dovey romantic stuff too, I guess.

Anyways, the most farthest I've ever gone with a boy is sitting by him on the bleachers. Like, side by side. Arms touching. I remember how his arm felt really warm to the point where it was almost hot. It seemed to last forever, which was nice, but once it was over, it was over way too quick. Yeah, so the point is, I wouldn't know what to do, being the seductress.

Thing is...when he said that, I immediately thought of M. Lythgoe. I could always try. There'd be no harm done. We'd never ever see each other again after graduation until our high school reunion which won't be upon us any time soon. By that time, we'll be able to either forget about it or to laugh off the stupidity of youth.

But, let's say that I do succeed and he ends up liking me, what happens next? He's restraint by his faith; I by my family. It's just not going to work out. Plus, M. Dow says he'll disown me as a friend if I get with a Mormon guy. The last part doesn't really matter, but it's not as simple as it seems. Nothing good will stem out of it. He's Mormon; we won't hold hands let alone make out. Do I really want to lead him on (like he's led me on) and just leave it unfulfilled like that?

No, I don't.

The other option is M. Ward, but if I'm not willing to hurt M. Lythgoe's feelings, I'm definitely do NOT want to wound M. Ward in anyway. He's deeper and more sensitive. Plus, he's a lot closer to me than M. Lythgoe, who I barely know. Why should I spare a stranger's feelings but not my friend's?

Our Steak Night is on Thursday, right after the second to last Art Show. I'm excited. It's going to be a juried show. I hope I at least get an Honorable Mention.

Tomorrow, we're all walking to Starbucks for the first two periods. Yup. Exciting stuff.

Now that I've started sharing things with Mlle. Jang, I've felt less lonely. Like, a lot less. Which is good. Anyways, I kind of helped her pick out an outfit for this concert she's going to next Friday: black blazer, white, patterned tank, black shorts, black tights, and black flats. That outfit's so me, but hopefully it'll look more her when she has it on since her body shape is not like mine.

Logic ridicules love, and love smiles knowingly at the whole foolishness of logic.

I've started to think of some people in real life as how I call them on here, like Mlle. Smith and especially M. Lythgoe.

Pie day in Calculus today. And tomorrow. And Wednesday.

I'm kind of glad that I shared this with Mlle. Jang. Out of all them, I think her wavelength resembles mine the most, if that makes any sense. I know Mlle. Smith won't "get" it.

Regarding Mlle. Smith's new relationship with M. Smith (haha), I wish Mlle. Peltz would shut her mouth and butt out. She was all probe-y and asking a bunch of invasive questions like it was her own relationship. She's a nice person, she just needs to talk slower so she can filter what she has to say.

I've been very inspired to open up my mind lately and I've been reading poems and scientific findings as well as watching videos of philosophical ideas and how things work. I've learned how the heart works and what Charles Bonnet syndrome is. My brother got curious and started to watch it with me.

We've determined that he also has synesthesia. His is the one where numbers have personalities. At first, I thought he wasn't, so I was like, "Oh, guess you're not special like me after all." But we kept reading anyways, and he pointed at that particular one and asked if it had to be the exact same thing. No, and he told me about how he thought that the number three was the strongest while the number nine looks most like a nice guy and stuff like that.

Mlle. Connelly told me that she got her period on Prom night. At first, I was like, "That sucks. Thanks for sharing." But then she was like, "No. No. That's good." Then I remembered how her boyfriend wanted to have sex with her on Prom night. He booked the hotel and everything even though she didn't want to. At the prom, when she had to leave, I was trying to stall her because I knew she didn't want to go where she was going. But I'm glad she didn't have to go through with it. I do not like her boyfriend at all. He seemed dumb to me before. Now he just seems like a dumb pig or a dumb bear. He wanted them to get married in the future. Oh, God, no.

For some reason, I can see Kaylyn being stalked and killed if she breaks up with him. But then again, I'm quite opposite of a psychic. Events most often unfold in the exact opposite directions of my predictions. I hope to God that this is NOT an exception.

M. Dow and I talked again today. Surprise surprise. About his girlfriend, girls in general, the type of people that girls are attracted to, the image of a musician, dating a musician, being synesthetic, moral dilemmas, being stranded on an island, and different kinds of love. With the last one, I asked which was more important to him in a romantic relationship, and he had to pick between intimacy and passion. He chose passion, and I asked why. He said, "The two of us are intimate now, but we don't have passion for each other. And if we don't have passion, we're not really in a romantic relationship." But he also said that intimacy was also an important factor in a romantic relationship since it would just be lust if intimacy was absent. It would get tiring fast if it was just lust, and then one person would get obsessive and possessive.

I was looking through all the types of love, and I think I would end up being and being with a storgic lover--a lover that is derived from friendship. With this kind of love, my intimacy level would be very high, but then I would forgo passion in exchange.

My mother was a pragmatic lover. In a sense, everyone is a pragmatic lover, I think, but my mother more so than other. She chose my father because she figured he would be able to provide for her financially. She also chose him because she was a lot more attractive than he was and people who attach themselves to less attractive partners are less likely to be cheated on. Plus, she was already thirty, and her biological clock was ticking. As typical of a pragmatic lover, she viewed sex as a mean of procreation. Through religion, she views children as liabilities, but, secularly speaking, she views us as assets that will provide for her later on in life. That said, she's also an agapic lover toward her children. "The advantage of agapic love is its generosity. A disadvantage is that it can induce feelings of guilt or incompetence in a partner. In its deviant form, agape becomes martyrdom."


I won't fall in to the same trap. I won't have an unhappy marriage. I won't force my daughters to endure my unhappiness and disappointment in love through the form of excessive protectiveness and devotion. I won't have the same financial needs because I will provide my own   stability. I won't choose an ugly guy because I do not want to risk my children being ugly, like my mother did, and subject them a life of insecurity. I will have my own life independent of my children. I will have a passionate relationship with my husband. I will let my children grow as people because they are people and not clay that can be molded into whichever way.

"A pregnant woman leading a group of people out of a cave on a coast is stuck in the mouth of that cave. In a short time high tide will be upon them, and unless she is unstuck, they will all be drowned except the woman, whose head is out of the cave. Fortunately, (or unfortunately,) someone has with him a stick of dynamite. There seems no way to get the pregnant woman loose without using the dynamite which will inevitably kill her; but if they do not use it everyone will drown. What should they do?"

This is one of the moral dilemmas that M. Dow and I talked about. Before, I kept wavering between the choices, but once I showed M. Dow, before he could react, I immediately found the solution. It's heartless, actually, but if it means that the majority and I get to survive, I will sacrifice the weak and defenseless. I feel so horrible typing those words. Sure, there's a 98% chance that I will use the dynamite or allow someone else to use it on the pregnant woman without protesting because it's the logical thing to do to preserve the highest number of lives, but I don't know if I'd escape emotionally scarred from that.