I choose not to project my past onto my future.

So clubbing was a bust, but Mlle. Yee, M. Stone, and I had a good bonding experience.

I don't really know what I'm doing or where I'm going with M. Paff. Like, we're supposed to be best friends, but I feel like...I don't really know. I just know that I should never ever sleep with him and that he's never ever going to see me as more than a friend. I feel like I'm the only one who's actually trying to preserve and keep this relationship going, like M. Paff doesn't put in enough effort. He does it when it's convenient for him, and he doesn't really care about me that much.

So...me and M. Paff eat lunch together with some of the girls from my hall. I miss hanging out with him, sometimes. Then I go to class, come back to the dorm, and sleep for a while. Then Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Ramsden from down the hall hang out in the room while I sketch on the poster. Then me and the girls and M. Nikitin have dinner together. M. Paff's there with Mlle. Pages; he's ditched his usual hall dinner to eat dinner with her--he's never done that for me. He comes over and wants to know if I still want to help him move his stuff out to this car. I say, yeah, just give me a call.

After dinner, we all go to M. Nikitin room to get his roomie M. Uribe and the whole lot of us go back to my room to watch Skins. They don't like it as much as me and Mlle. Yee do. Boo. Then M. Paff shows up to my dorm--wow, first time there!--and wants me to go back to his dorm with him to get his stuff while I'm watching Skins here. I'm like, "Why don't you get all packed, and then call me, and I'll come over and help." We kind of argue about it for a while, but it's nothing serious. Then he comes back and I go to his room and help him with his shit.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but when I leave, Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Chu both look like they want to say, "You help him with stuff but he never helps you with anything. Why are you letting him jerk you around?"

But, like, honestly, I really don't see why he even wants me to come because he's the one carrying everything and I'm just walking with him. I bring it up and he says he wants to spend more time with me. Yeah, right. Do I look stupid to you? But it's nice, just the two of us hanging out. We knock on my window and freak my friends out. Then we walk to his car so he can drop off his stuff and he walks me back to my dorm, all the way to my room--another first. It's an awkward goodbye at the door since I kind of just rush in because I don't want to miss any more Skins.

The lot of us just watch TV on Hulu and talk for a while. The boys seem really quiet, so it's very charming when they laugh or smile. I like having a bunch of friends nearby who I can hang out with anytime. Then the boys leave because their hall has a movie night. Then I leave cause my mom's come to pick me up.

Then I go home and play League of Legends with M. Paff and Mlle. Mayeda. He tells me that there's this girl that he wants to put a move on but he's not sure if he's going to go through it. My immediate guess is the girl that was with him before...Mlle. Lee. He denies it, and I keep guessing. He doesn't want to tell me, and I'm like, "some friends we are." After Mlle. Mayeda's gone to bed, he calls me and wants to play again. While we play, I keep bugging him about it, and he finally says that it is her.

Seriously, I don't really care anymore since I've sorted out my feelings for him, so it's all good. I hope he does things that will make him happy in the end.

Then he finds out that I have a journal and he wants to read it, and I'm like, "HELL NO." But who knows? Maybe I'll show him someday and we can laugh about who silly and irrationally overemotional I can be.

Some days it is a heroic act just to refuse the paralysis of fear and straighten up and step into another day.

Dude, my TAs are so cute!

So, me and M. Paff were supposed to eat dinner together, but he shows up with his hallmates even though he's the one that's asked me. So I eat dinner with my roomie and her friend, which is cool too.

I need to figure out what to get him for his birthday. I'm thinking a foot collage but that may be a little bit hard to explain.

True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.

So I come home at noon and everyone's still in class, so I eat lunch all by myself in my room. Then M. Nikitin texts me and I text him back. He's chilling in his room by himself too, so I tell him to come over since I'm by myself too. So he uses the secret passage and we chill for four hours straight.

He's not as intimidating as he seems. He just seems so smart, and I'm not that clever, so I feel intimidated. He doesn't like Mlle. Pages though. He says she can't keep a secret since she spills hers so easily, something I completely agree with, but I still think she's a nice person. I mean, I would think people like her more than they like me because she's more talkative, but M. Nikitin doesn't like that. He likes that I don't talk too much. Then Mlle. Yee comes home with a shit ton of people and we all hangout in my room.

Then me, Mlle. Yee, Mlle. K Nguyen, and M. Nikitin all go to dinner together. Then me and Mlle. Yee go back to our room and study. At nine-ish we grab a late dinner again while watching The Lying Game. Five minutes after we finish our food, M. Nikitin calls me and is all, "Hey, we have a cake. Wanna come over?" We're just like, "Um...YEAH!"

We wait for Mlle. K Nguyen for two hours because the birthday boy doesn't want to start without her because she's a very good friend. The bunch of us just hangs out in M. Nikitin's room. It's so much fun. No joke.

Hmm...M. Nikitin and Mlle. K Nguyen...they're like, totally stretching the whole sexual tension thing. Everyone can tell they want each other; they just won't admit it.

I wonder if that's how people see me and M. Paff...

Who you know will get your foot into the door. What you know will keep your foot out of your mouth.

So...me and M. Paff's relationship got worse and then better. I think it got better when I realized that me and him would never and should never happen, that we had WAY more fun being just friends. So I stop wanting to hangout as much and hangout with my new friends more.

And of course, once I stop my daily calls, he starts calling me back and wants to know if I want to grab dinner with him. Well, I'm supposed to be having dinner with another hallmate and my roommate and cockblock one of the guys, but they say I should hangout with him instead. So I do. And then he calls Mlle. Pages and we hangout with her too. We grab tea and food at Cha and Mlle. Pages tells me a story of how she and her boyfriend've met. Well, that pales compared to M. Paff and my story cause ours is so much better, you have no idea.

Then we meet up with her boyfriend and M. Paff and I just kind of fourth-wheel it and we all play pool together. It's fun, but I suck pretty bad. Everyone else is good though. Boo. While we're playing, I notice that M. Paff sometimes just stares at me, but he looks away every time I catch him. I'm just like, whatever, cause we're just friends now. After it ends, we all walk to Starbucks; me with M. Paff and Mlle. Pages with her boyfriend. Sometimes he walks really close to me and starts to say something, but he stops every single time.

At Starbucks, while the couple buys their drinks, he asks, "Was it weird for me to stare at your feet the entire time?" and I'm like, "No, I actually have very attractive feet." He laughs. Then we talk to the couple a little bit more before heading back.

On the way back, I'm like, "How come you stare at my feet but you bolt when I ask for a foot massage?" He gives me some random answer, and I'm like, "You know, you're just all talk and no action."

Once I'm back in my dorm, he texts me and says, "I'd probably give you a massage if you asked now." And I'm like, "Give me a message." Since my roommate's here with her friend, I come over to his room with my Bio book since his roommate's gone. I figure I can read while he massages my feet.

Yeah, that plan goes right out of the window. I can't concentrate knowing how turned on he is. Then he says we should stop since he needs to study and I need to study too. Well, I move next to him and put my head on his shoulder and study. Haha. What a lie. We try studying, but it's more like, "fuck it, let's fool around."

Then I go home at about 11:30-ish and gossip with my roommate and her friend. Then M. Nikitin messages me on Facebook saying, "You're up so late!" because yesterday I was in his room and he made me tea and my mom called and I didn't pick up and he wondered why I didn't pick up and I told him that I was supposed to be in bed by nine. It was half past nine at the time. Anyways, so I say, "Don't tell my mom. You stay up late too." And he's like, "You're gonna need a lot of tea of stay up," and I'm like, "Are you inviting me over?" and he says, "Yup." I'm like, "Me and my roommate are watching South Park. Why don't you guys bring the party over here." He asks if he can come over, and I say yes, but I think he's gotten lost. But apparently he's texted me and I don't get texts, so he leaves after waiting outside the door. Haha. Oops.

Depression is when you have lots of love, but no one's taking.

I've figured out that the horrible feeling I've been getting is not because of M. Paff's absence. It's me. It's depression, and it's horrible. I have a gnawing feeling in my stomach like something'll go wrong, except the sensation is constant.

My hallmates and I've gone to the beach after class. I've gotten pretty close with this girl from across the hall. Her name is Mlle. Chu. It's not that fun, at least not for me, because I've been feeling like shit the whole day. The whole goddamn day...I've been soo fucking depressed and lonely even though I'm almost always surrounded by people. It's not the same.

Mlle. Yee, my roommate, has gone home for the weekend so I get the room to myself. Yay. Not really. I miss her company. I hate going to bed alone because she always stays up later and always turns the lights off after I've gone to bed.

Then I go back to my room and talk to M. Dow. God, I miss talking to him. He cheers me right up and tells me how his girlfriend wants to get back together. Then I almost decide to not go to the mixer because I don't feel like getting out of the room, but dancing cures shit, so I decide to go.

My god. I totally need that. It's great. I try calling M. Paff a million times, but he doesn't pick up and I leave millions of messages telling him to come out since his Facebook status says he's not in a good mood. Plus, I kind of want to dance with him. Anyways, he doesn't pick up, but I have a great time regardless.

Then we go back and hangout in the common room. M. Paff finally Skypes me back and tells me what's wrong. Poor baby.

Then me and the rest of the hall watch Catch Me If You Can in my room. Last time I watched that movie, I got plenty of action. Not this time though.

Then Mlle. K Nguyen comes in and tells me she's been sexiled. I'm like, "Come sleep here!" and she's like, "Oh, I'm sleeping in the guys' room," and I'm like, "[M. Nikitin]'s?" and she's like, "Fuck no. I'm so done with that bitch." Apparently they've gotten into a huge fight over nothing and she just doesn't give a shit anymore. I wonder how long before me and M. Paff get that way.

Men have always detested women’s gossip because they suspect the truth: their measurements are being taken and compared.

I think I'm losing M. Paff. We never hangout anymore. We barely even talk. He says I'm being clingy if I want to hangout, but I don't initiate, he doesn't either. He's always with his hall or with other people. Actually, it seems like he's hanging out with everyone but me.

Mlle. K Nguyen has the same problem. Her friend M. Nikitin is really cute and I think they went through the same thing M. Paff and I are going through. Good guy friends turn into jerky guy friends. When I first heard about him, I thought he would be really rude. He doesn't like her in his bed and shit like that, but M. K Nguyen introduces us and he clears a space on his bed for me. Hmm...sounds a bit like some jackass I know?

Then he asks if I want tea, and I'm thinking, "You're white, but you drink tea?" and say, "Um...sure!" and he gets out this box and there are so many freaking flavors of tea. He says I should pick one. Like, the whole time, he doesn't even offer Mlle. K Nguyen ANYTHING! Like, what the fuck?

The four of us go out to eat, and he and his roommate eat a shit ton of food. He barely talks to Mlle. K Nguyen, but he lets me try his food. Like, he's so nice to me and not nice at all to her. I mean, it's nice that they're so comfortable with us, but that doesn't mean they can treat us like crap.

So, my roommate is a lot prettier in person. We got along okay. She's always away with her friends and I'm always away too, but today we watch five hours straight of TV shows on Hulu and the day before we watched She's The Man together. Then Mlle. K Nguyen comes over and we have a giant rant about guy friends. Yup, lovely bonding experience.

First day of class...pretty great. Ballet and How Race is Made. I kind of love it =]

Oh yeah, M. Dow's broken up with his girlfriend. Poor thing.

We are all fallen creatures and all very hard to live with.

So the club fair or whatever is today. I go with this girl from my hall. Then later, we go meet M. Paff and his female friends and we all get lunch. He seems pretty popular with the girls since he’s nice and awkward. Then it ends up with just me and M. Paff going to the fair. I don’t remember much, but there’s definitely a lot accidental hand brushings and arm bumpings. I’m happy with that. Actually, that’s a lie. The whole time, I keep thinking about how—cliché as it sounds—my heart would stop if he had grabbed my hand and held it. I would have let him.

When we get back from the fair, we go to M. Paff’s hall, where we meet M. Kee. He’s so awkward, but M. Paff and I manage to dodge him and play ping pong instead. Then more people come and it gets boring. I go back to my hall while M. Paff goes banner painting with his hallmates. I take a nap in my common room because there’s people there and not deserted like my room because I don’t want to get depressed when I wake up.

Then M. Paff Skypes me, and I tell him to come over, but he doesn’t want to come over because his friend is there. He shows her on camera, and she’s lying on his bed, but he always tries to pull me off when I’m on his bed. WTF? I’m lonely, so I come over and jump on his bed while she’s in her room changing and he tries to pull me off again. Eventually, he gives up. And as I sit, perched on his bed and looking outside, he comes over really close to me and says, “I think she’s really hot, and we’re getting along really great,” and I say, “Do you see it going anywhere?” and he says, “Right now, I’m just trying to be friends with her, but we’ll see how things go.”  We watch his drum line videos together. She comes back and leaves again and he leans almost into me again and says, “To be honest, I see you as a guy friend.” I’m just like, “Okay,” because that’s how it’s supposed to be. Our relationship’s supposed to be strictly platonic and I mess it up by being attracted to him. Doesn’t matter if it’s my fault or not; I still feel so very disappointed. She comes back and we all go to watch this dance thing, except they talk to each other the whole goddamn time. Are you fucking serious? So after a while, I’m like, “I’m going back. Bye,” and leave.

I feel so replaced. Like, that position is easily filled by anybody. I’m so tired of this. We were supposed to go to the ARC together, but now he’s with her and I’m in my dorm room all alone, depressed and watching chick flicks. Whatever.

If you should die before me, ask if you can bring a friend.

Yesterday was move in day. It was fun. I spent most of my evening out with my family and, when I got back, with M. Paff. He and I went to Target in his Mercedes convertible and it was nice, but sometimes I would feel the urge to stroke his hand…or his face…or just touch him in general, you know? I know it’s not normal for one best friend to feel that one about the other, but it’s the truth.

Then today, he helps me get my internet set up, but we fail miserably. We keep going to my room and his room and back again. In my room, I tease him by putting my feet near his face, in his line of sight. He’s definitely affected by that. Then, later, he puts his hand on my knee while we’re talking. Then in his room, while I’m lying in his bed, watching him go on Facebook…scratch that…falling asleep while he goes on Facebook, and he keeps rubbing my shoulders to wake me up. I don’t know, but I feel like he’s trying to get a reaction out of me, so I tell him to stop it.

I feel like it’s hard to get intimate unless you break the touch barrier first. Break it too suddenly, and I get freaked out. I guess you just have to ease into it.

Then we grab lunch and go back to his hall and play ping pong. It’s fun; and he’s cute; and I’m his best friend. God.

After that, we go back to my room to give the internet thing another try.  We get bored cause it doesn’t work, so I ask if he wants to give me a foot massage. I’ve never seen a human being book out of a room so fast. I’m just like, “Okay? What the heck?” Then I take a nap and wake up very depressed and lonely. I take a walk and go up to the common room just out of curiosity and meet a bunch of people there. Then the whole hall gets dinner, and I get to know Mlle. Nguyen better. She’s cool and cute; I like her. M. Paff and I’ve seen her earlier in the day and helped her carry her stuff back, and she’s asked if we were just friends; we’d said that we were.

I seriously don’t know how I feel about M. Paff. We’re supposed to be best friends, which means I’m not supposed to be this attracted to him. But I am. I’m very attracted, but he’s not attracted to me—not one bit. He tells me that he’s been getting close with this one girl in his hall, and I’m kind of sad about it, but I don’t know why. Okay, I lied.  I do know why. I want him to want me back too.

Anyways, I bond with some of my suitemates. They’re really nice and pretty and cool. Then the whole hall has a meeting and we all go to this one boba place. Except me and Mlle. Nguyen RUN over to M. Paff’s room and drag him out with us since he’s in there all by himself. We three go, and it’s fun. Then we decide to go back instead of waiting for the rest of my hall, but Mlle. Nguyen says to go ahead because she’s found her other friends, so it’s just me and M. Paff. We’re high on sugar, so we’re pushing each other off of curbs and cutting each other off. Then we get to his dorm and the sugar crashes. So it’s just me, leaning against the wall, and him, sitting on his bed, and me wanting him to come and sit next to me like he did a few minutes ago. We look at each other once and he says that what I asked him to do was really mean. I’m like, “What are you talking about?” and he’s like, “before you went and took a nap…” and I’m like, “I thought I was being nice!” and he’s like, “No, that’s very mean,” but apparently, he was so turned on, he had to check if it was showing, which explains why he got out of my room so fast. He comes and sits by me; our shoulders are touching for a while, but nothing really goes on. We just talk. At some point, I feel like he wants to make a move, but he wants me to initiate it. Actually, I think he did make a move if I’m not reading too much into it. Once is when he rubs my shoulder, but I’m under the impression he’s trying to get something on my cardigan; it’s clean. Then…when we’re sitting really close next to each other, he puts his hand on my thigh, but the door’s open, so I don’t do anything.

I don’t know. Sometimes I want to be more than friends; sometimes I’m just perfectly content with being just friends.

I ask him to walk me back when it gets late. He doesn’t want to because he’s a pussy. We argue for a while and I’m just like, “Fuck it,” and leave. On my way back, I meet this other white guy, and I’m just like, “Hey, is everyone back?” trying to be friendly, and he’s like, “Yeah, but we’re going out again.” I’m like, “Ooh, where to?” and he goes, “A party. You wanna come?” I’m like, “Sure.” Then I call M. Paff and he says not to go, but I go anyways.

It’s boring; people just smoke weed; the music’s barely audible; so the bunch of us leaves and comes back to campus,  where M. Paff tells me that M. Kee, this boy who thinks I’m really hot, thinks I’m in love with M. Paff. Of all the people who suspect that we’re together, I think M. Kee has more or less the right idea. Everyone else thinks it’s him that’s in love with me. 

I wish. Really.

Love is like falling down... in the end you're left hurt, scarred, and with a memory of it forever.

Please, please, please, please, please don't let me fall for M. Paff. He'll break my heart into tiny little pieces and throw them to the wind if I give it to him, which I won't--not willingly. He's not for me. He's heartless to the people he hates. I don't think he knows this about himself, but he can be manipulative as well.

Insecure as I am, loving a person like that will only hurt me.

I've just read some of his ex's posts on her blog. She's very depressed. She still wants him, obviously. She just wants to talk, but all he has to say about her is "She's a stupid bitch." That's cold, cruel, and heartless.

I'm kind of scared to get too involved. I was rereading our earlier messages on Skype and noticed how light and natural our conversations went; now it feels almost heavy and forced.

All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.

M. Paff and I had another fight. I manned up and apologized even though it wasn't really my fault. I started to feel really upset when he replied with "apology accepted". I was just like, "THAT'S IT? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO TELL ME?" but then he apologized too. That's good. If he didn't apologize, I think we would have been done.

My grandma is in a coma. No one bothered to tell me until she got really bad. What the fuck? Yesterday, my dad left the country to be by her side. I feel bad for my grandpa. He's gonna lose his only companion, and you can tell he really, totally loves her even though she has dementia and she's bawdy and vulgar and sometimes hits on him in front of us. I don't know how I feel about this. I know her, but right now, she doesn't feel like a real person to me. Hardly anyone feels real right now. I once again revert to thinking that everyone's programmed except for me.

My mom and brother are helping me move in. I don't know how I feel about that.

A few more weeks then I'm done with this blog and onto another one. I think toward the end, I've drifted a bit far away from the people I've given/will give access to this blog, and I no longer feel comfortable with them reading my private and sometimes insane thoughts and feelings and my countless and erroneous assumptions and predictions.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

I find out who my roommate is today. She sounds like a very nice person, but she's not that cute and M. Paff's roomie isn't cute either so my plan to get with his roomie and get M. Paff with my roomie and have each couple use a room kind of fails really bad. But she sounds like a really nice person, and I'm really glad that I'm not rooming with a bitch.

M. Paff. Oh my gosh. Whenever we webcam, which we do all the time, I just wanna kiss him. Which is weird because I don't like him. He's not attracted to me AT ALL. And he thinks all these ugly girls are prettier than me. Okay, I know I'm not the most gorgeous girl out there, but MY GOD, REALLY? I'm decent looking. Christ.

My mother wants me to not have any kind of life whatsoever in college. Well, Mother, we'll see about that.

M. Paff wants me to hook him up with a girl. I agree and once I'm done with that, we're sneaking through the cemetery. Yup. I wanna sneak through one at night before I die.

Mlle. K. Nguyen is gonna be in my hall on my floor! Wheeee! That girl cracks me up. No joke. Funniest person alive.

I move in on the 17th of September, two hours before M. Paff moves in. I think I'm going alone since my parents are gonna be busy, so I've asked M. Paff to come early and help me move in.

I've talked to Mlle. Johnston on Skype today. I miss her.

Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

My goodness, M. Paff's gotten me addicted to League of Legends. Yup. We're such geeks. It's all fun and good except I hate how sometimes he gets annoyed at how I suck at computer games.

I feel so uneasy whenever  this one girl--who's also going to UCI next fall--talks to him on Facebook. She tags him in EVERYTHING, and I'm scared that maybe M. Paff is my BFF, but I'm not his. Maybe this girl is his BFF. He reassures me that I'm his BFF, though, which is good. I know this is really trivial and juvenile, but right now, M. Paff is my only friend at UCI. I just feel like having at least one companion will give me and him a better leverage when meeting new people. Like, I'm not as worried about meeting new people if I know have a solid base behind me. With most of my friends MIA, M. Paff makes up the majority of my base right now. Maybe I'm just anxious about the possibility that M. Paff will like this other girl better and ditch me for her. I don't know. Why am I so insecure? My insecurity must be annoying and it probably drives away people which leads to me not having any friends, and not having any friends makes me insecure. It's a vicious cycle!


Sometimes I feel like I'm getting too attached to M. Paff. Like, I want him to pay attention to me and talk to me all the time. I want him to like me, but I don't like him like that; I know that's really selfish and unfair of me, but that's how it is right now. One possible explanation for this is I'm just lonely and insecure right now and he's my only friend and he's also a boy and I'm attracted to him so I want him to want me too as proof that I am indeed desirable. I don't know. Maybe I'm getting attached because we kissed. I don't know, but I do know for a fact that I don't like him. At least, not now.


M. Dow says that I'm fooling myself if I think my friendship with M. Paff is completely platonic.


Speaking of M. Dow...Hurricane Irene is said to hit Long Island the hardest and that's where he lives. I'm scared for him. I haven't heard from him in days and right before, he said that he needed to talk to me ASAP, but I wasn't there. Oh, God.