Sorry is hardest to say when it matters the most.

A historical romance is the only kind of book where chastity really counts.

Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.

So yesterday, I've noticed that Mlle. Nguyen got really touchy-feely with M. Nikitin while the four of us were putting our face masks on. He kept asking me to put the stuff on his face for him, but I really didn't want to send mixed signals, so I was just like, "Oh my gosh, it's not that hard. Just do it," because it's seriously isn't hard--you just slab it on and peel it off after half an hour, but Mlle. Nguyen did the whole thing for him. Spoiled brat.

Then later than evening, I wanted to go to the Langson Library, and M. Nikitin was the only one available to go, so me and him went. The moment we stepped in the library, things got really flirty. Like, I wasn't kidding when I said I didn't want to send mixed signals and that equated to not initiate any kind of flirting. God, I don't know how I could have lasted in the elevator alone with him. I just stared at the floor number thingy, trying to look deep in thought, and I could totally see him looking at me the entire time. Then we just wandered around aimlessly amongst the books. We talked about neutral thing, but he was almost always nearly pressed up against my back and his arms would almost always be touching mine when we reached for books. Once, we were at a dead end, and we were standing so close and the tension was so fucking great. I wanted him to make a move and kiss me or...just do something about it. But I chickened out and told him that I could squeeze in between the wall and the shelf, and I did, escaping. Then I found books on prostitution and decided to check them out. When we headed back to the elevator, there was still lots of tension between us, but there was this girl there too, so nothing happened.

I was going to go back to my room, but he suggested that we get tea, and we drank tea in his room. Then he asked me if I could help him study for his math quiz tomorrow. Well, he's doing Math 2A, which is Single Variable Calculus, and I took two years of that shit, so I stayed and helped. Well, things got flirty again, but we got shit done. Like, when we worked on problems, he would kneel really close to me so our arms would touch. Then he'd lightly elbow me and I'd elbow him back. Then he'd brush the back of my hand and I'd do it to him.

He suggested that I spent the night. We stayed up till two studying for his math quiz. I went to sleep a bit earlier because I was tired and after a while, he slid in beside me and put his arms around me. We passed out at about four in the morning.

In the middle of kissing, I told him that I wanted to kiss him in the library, and he asked me why I didn't. I was like, "Well, it's because you like [Mlle. Yee]," and he said, "I'm not into her anymore. And in case you haven't noticed, I like you a lot." I was just like, "WAIT, WHAT?" and he was like, "Why do you think I spend so much time hanging out with you?"

I'm so glad M. Uribe sleeps with an eye mask on and music plugged in because, fucking God, I would have been horribly screwed that night. He asked me to stay this weekend since M. Uribe is going home. Well, Mlle. Yee is also going home, so if I stay behind, we each have a room to ourselves. But I've already stayed here for the past two weeks, so I really have to go home this week because my parents miss me.

I woke up to him kissing me again. I probably got one and a half of sleep that night.

Oh, that's right. I asked him what we were, and he said he didn't want to put a label on us, but I was like, "Well, I want to know," and he said, "Yeah, me too." He asked me what I wanted and told me that he'd agree to whatever I was going to ask. I told him I didn't know at the moment, but we agreed not to make anything public right now because of all the drama going on, especially now that Mlle. Nguyen was back in the picture. He said I shouldn't worried since he wasn't the type of guy who got around. At this point, I laughed and told him that the morning after our first kiss, I thought he did that to all the girls who've slept in his bed. He was just like, "Oh, NO. I've never touched [Mlle. Nguyen]." It feels good to be the only one he's done this too, you know?

Curious and curiouser.

So Halloween was a bust. I got dressed up but nowhere to go. Then we got locked out so we stayed in M. Nikitin's room with me wearing his clothes cause I had on that night were tights and a leotard and a tutu.

Then shit got complicated. M. Nikitin and I held hands under the blanket while we all watched a movie. Then Mlle. Yee came in and we stopped.

Then today, she says she doesn't know how she feels about him, and he still likes her. Like, why the fuck did you hold my hand then? I'm fucking confused too, except I can't tell her about it because she's already expressed interests in him and he likes her, so she automatically wins and I'm just this thing that gets caught in between.

And then while we were texting--we text a shitload now--I accused him of sending mixed signals. He accused me of the same thing. But just to clear things up: we both agree that there's nothing going on between us.

Oh, yeah, so the other day he came over and noticed that I had a bottle of cologne on my desk, and he was like, "You wear cologne?" and I was like, "Yeah," and we had a whole conversation about that. Then when I was wearing his clothes, I remembered this story where this guy drenched the scarf of the girl he liked in his perfume, so when she got it back and whenever she wore it, she thought of him. So, I sprayed myself with perfume cologne while wearing his clothes, but the scent is only noticeable if he puts the shirt to his face and inhale it.

So later in the night, he texts me and comments on how strong my perfume is...well.

Apparently, my scent is very recognizable =3

I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year.

I honestly don't know how I feel about anything anymore.

So Mlle. Yee's found out on her own that M. Nikitin likes her, but M. Nikitin finds out that she's friendzoned him so bad it's not even funny, and he's disappointed. I'm just in the middle of all this. Sometimes I want him really bad, but other times I don't.

Yesterday was kind of crazy. We were sitting next to each other, and sometimes we'd touch, but the other person always move away after a minute or two just to come back and touch the first person with something else. Then the cycle starts again.

I don't know. It just feels like I'm just getting the attraction with not infatuation with people here.

Oh, yeah. I met a cute boy on Friday and we got talking. The only things I know about him are that he's a Music major--M. Readdick can help me with that--and he has the same iPhone case and he's in the Logic class right before my Chemistry class. I'll probably never see him again, but I'll try talking to more people now.

The secret to true happiness is a combination of low expectations and insensitivity.

Mlle. Yee texts M. Nikitin at dinner saying that I want him. She just keeps it going without knowing that he likes her. Goddamn it. It's just a silly joke, but still.

M. Paff hangs out in my room yesterday with all the girls. It's nice just sitting next to him...like, platonically speaking, of course. Mlle. Yee's convinced that we're meant for each other. Hmmm...no.

Then, of course, M. Readdick messages me on Facebook saying how the bunch of us haven't hung out in a while so we should all go to Lee's Sandwich. Well, M. Paff doesn't like strangers, so I decide to stay and hang out with him since WE haven't hung out in a while.

A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door. Guess who. The whole lot of them crashing our study party. M. Nikitin's there too, and I immediately sense tension when he sees that I'm sitting next to M. Paff, and I can definitely feel the awkwardness between the two of them since M. Nikitin knows that M. Paff knows about me and him the other night. But M. Nikitin is a bigger person and extends the invitation to M. Paff too, except M. Paff just kind of left without telling me. Rude.

It's a fun night.

Oh, yeah, guess who got an 87.5/100 on her Chem midterm. This girl.

Extreme complication is contrary to art.

So M. Paff and I have reconciled, thank God. I told him about what happened with M. Nikitin and he told me about Mlle. Lee, who is such a bitch. I think the two of us are on good terms now.

Anyways, I think M. Nikitin likes Mlle. Yee. It's just a hunch since he's always teasing her and the last two times he's slept over, he's slept in her bed, which makes me feel a bit like a third wheel, but it's really no biggie. I think she likes him as well, but I'm going to keep both thoughts to myself for now and see how things unfold.

To be honest, I was a bit interested in M. Nikitin, and I really didn't care that Mlle. Nguyen liked him too, but now that I think Mlle. Yee likes him, I'll bow out gracefully. They're cuter together anyways. Mlle. Nguyen makes things so complicated with her love-hate relationship with him; Mlle. Yee keeps things nice and simple, and that's way easier to deal with than complications, obviously.

Oh, yeah, I went kayaking with the girls yesterday. Fun fun fun. I also dropped my new phone on Thursday and now it won't get any signals and it won't charge. Just my luck.

Bio midterm tomorrow. I'm so fucking scared.

Okay, so I tell M. Nikitin my theory and he confirms it. I love being right.

Then I suddenly experience a wave of loneliness as I study for my midterm. M. Nikitin comes over, and so does Mlle. Nguyen. We all study, and there's obviously tension since Mlle. Nguyen won't talk to M. Nikitin at all. I text him from my computer, saying that as long as Mlle. Yee thinks Mlle. Nguyen likes him, he doesn't have a chance. He texts me back saying that he's told her that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her last week, which is why she's not touchy-feely with him anymore. It's just a conversation that needs to be have in person...something that can't happen right now with the other girls in the room.

Eventually, I get horribly sleepy, and I ask if there's anything I can take to keep me awake. M. Nikitin suggests coffee, and, using that as an excuse, I tell him to come with me to get it. Then EVERYTHING comes spilling out.

Mlle. Nguyen's given a letter telling him how she hates the way he treats her. He says he treats her like a sibling, but, in my opinion, if she wants him to treat her nicer, then she should start treating him nicer too, because she doesn't treat him very nicely at all. He says that he's more worried about Mlle. Yee thinking there's something going on between us than with him and Mlle. Nguyen. For some reason, I think I ask him if he thought I liked him...and he says yes. WTF? I'm like, "WHY?"

Apparently, Mlle. Nguyen's been telling him that I'm in love with him. I'm like, speechless. What the fuck? No. My god, what the fuck.

Then he says he doesn't want to make a move until he's sure that she likes him back because if she doesn't...oh boy, our whole little group would get fucked.

I feel a lot better after going out for coffee. Like, a lot better. But not about the midterm though. I still don't know shit. 

I'd never realized how often

I'd realize how hard it is to not touch someone knowing--okay, assuming--that they want to touch you too.

At dinner today we sit next to each other, and he keeps nudging me with his elbow and bumping my arm with his. I know it's done on purpose because, yeah, we're sitting pretty close, but not that close because I don't want other people to catch. But, eventually, we scoot close enough together where I can reach up and kiss his face if I'd wanted to and, at that time, I really did wanted to, but thank God for self-control.

He and Mlle. Nguyen've made up yesterday. I'm happy for them, but I'm not as happy as I should be.

Love begins with an image; lust with a sensation.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I slept over at M. Nikitin's Wednesday night. In his bed. With him. Yes, I did. One thing led to another and we sorta kinda fooled around most of the night. Does that make me a slut? Please say no.

I'm sorry, Mlle. Nguyen, but I kissed the boy you kinda like. Like, I know you're mad at him right now and everything, but that still doesn't make it okay. I saw how your face was when you saw me walking with him the other day; I'd hate to imagine your face when you find out about what happened.

I like being with him more than I do with M. Paff. I mean, M. Paff is more experienced, and he has a way with touch, but M. Nikitin makes me feel loved. He kept kissing my face the entire time, and when I kissed his cheek, I could feel him smiling. I think we actually passed out at threeish.

The whole time, I was just like, "I can't believe I'm kissing/doing this with [M. Nikitin]," and, at some point, I told him. He laughed and said, "I know. I can't believe I'm kissing you either."

In the early morning, I woke up to him kissing me. I was like, "What time is it?" since it wasn't even light out. It was five, and he apologized for waking me up so early. We kissed for the longest time. His roommate, M. Uribe kept stirring in his sleep, and I was so scared he would wake up and catch us, but M. Nikitin would leaned over and covered me with his arms and shoulders--which are very very very nice since he works out and everything. And, oh, my God, his bed CREAKS! Fucking hell. Every single time it did, I was just like, "Please let [M. Uribe] be a heavy sleeper."

Anyways...so after forever, I asked him for the time, and he stopped kissing me for a second and said, "You have to go soon, unfortunately." It was 6:56. I have class at 8, and I need to leave at 7:30, so I need to start getting ready at 7 to make it on time. So we kissed some more before I pulled away. He helped me look for my earring and the rest of my stuff which were sprawled all over his bed. Then, as I tied my hair up in front of the mirror and getting ready to leave, I could see him watching me from behind. He stepped forward and hugged me from behind, and I leaned up to kiss him.  After a while, I was like, "[M. Nikitin], I need to go." He wanted me to stay for breakfast, but I was planning to eat on the way to class, so I declined.

It was kind of awkward when he went to dinner with us. I was gonna play it cool, but that plan went out the window when he came out to meet us. He stood next to me, and everyone else was talking except for us, or we would talk to other people but not to each other. I couldn't look him in the eye without getting embarrassed.

After dinner, we helped Mlle. Yee study for her Chemistry midterm. I would write on the white board, and he'd be standing next to me, telling me what to write, and I'd lean over just a bit so we'd be touching, and we'd be like that until Mlle. Yee came over. Yup. We managed to get back to normal at the end of the night though.

When we finally talked about it on Friday. I was sick when the happened, and had to pull away occasionally to cough. We even joked about him getting sick too. Well, Friday afternoon, it was just the two of us alone in his room on Reddit, and I was on his bed several minutes before, coughing all over it, and he said something about me getting him sick again, and I was like, "Again? You didn't get sick that time," which is really not fair. Then I was like, "Do you do that to all the girls that sleep in your bed?" He said no, but the way he said it was really adorable because he was tired and he was kind of hugging his pillow while trying to hold a conversation with me. Anyways, he thinks I'm a good kisser.

I got sicker when I got a ride from my mom's friend with her kid. Now I have a persistent giant headache.

I'm glad I went home this weekend. I got a new phone. Whoot whoot. And a new laptop. But my mother and daddy showered me with love <3

Let's play a game of whose life sucks worse...I'll win, I always win.

This week fucking sucks. There's so many things going on. With me, with Mlle. Chu, and with Mlle. Nguyen. All involving boys.

Well, let's start with the good things this week. The day before yesterday, the bunch of us slept over at M. Nikitin's room. Then yesterday, we all hungout and stayed up hella late and had lots of fun. Then today we go with M. Nikitin to the beach clean up.

The beach's so fucking nice. We've made plans to bike there the Sunday after next. I'm so excited.

Then the bad shit:

So I haven't been hanging out or talking to M. Paff lately because I'm tired of being the only one making an effort. So yesterday, he messaged me on Skype and asked why he couldn't make friends. Well, buddy your problem isn't with making friends; it's keeping them that's the problem. I asked him what was wrong, and he said "Nothing," so I was like, "Then why did you bother to even ask me if you weren't going to talk about it?" He was like, "Fine. Then leave me alone." I was like, "K. Well, there's your answer."

Mlle. Nguyen was there, and she asked why I put up with it. I've been asking myself that question quite frequently these past few weeks.

Getting pissed at each other right before Mlle. Mayeda came over was a bad idea. He calls me on Skype at noon to let me know that she's arrived, but I miss it because of the beach clean up. Then I borrow Mlle. Yee's phone to call him. He calls me back after a while and brings Mlle. Mayeda over. I give her a very warm welcome, and he's like, "How come I don't get a smile?" and I'm like, "Cause you're you."

The three of us hang out in my common room and eventually end up in his room, watching funny videos on YouTube. The whole time, we're sitting very near each other to the point of almost touching, but I always move myself away when we do touch. Sure, at that range, I'm very attracted, but I feel more empowered holding myself back then letting myself go. I was supposed to get dinner with a bunch of people at 6:30, but Mlle. Mayeda has to leave at 6:30, so the three of us go eat an hour earlier.

It's nice when we're with her, but once she leaves, the pleasantness goes away. When I wave to someone who's staring at me while running, he says that I'm embarrassing sometimes, and I'm like, "Well, you're boring, and I'd rather be strange than be boring." After that, it's total silence. He walks like, five feet in front of me, and I don't even bother to keep pace with him. Then he just walks back to his hall without saying good bye, but since I'm civilized and well-mannered, I yell goodbye and leave.

Then I get home and hangout with the girls. Mlle. Yee knows about whole thing with M. Paff so she asks about it. Then later that night, he messages me on Skype again and the conversation goes like this:


[10/9/2011 9:09:18 PM] M. Paff: lemme ask u sumthing
[10/9/2011 9:09:30 PM] Me: ask away
[10/9/2011 9:09:42 PM] M. Paff: am i an idiot
[10/9/2011 9:09:51 PM] Me: yeah
[10/9/2011 9:09:56 PM] M. Paff: k :/
[10/9/2011 9:10:23 PM] Me: would you rather that I lie?
[10/9/2011 9:45:40 PM] M. Paff: cool.
[10/9/2011 9:46:47 PM] Me: are you hurt?
[10/9/2011 9:48:08 PM] M. Paff: why am i an idiot
[10/9/2011 9:52:38 PM] Me: I feel like you don't value our friendship as much as you should
[10/9/2011 9:53:43 PM] Me: Like, you replying "k" and "..." makes it seems like you don't want to talk to me and makes me feel like a nuisance for bothering you
[10/9/2011 9:54:31 PM]Me: But in general, you just say the wrong things sometimes
[10/9/2011 9:56:09 PM] M. Paff: ur like the 3rd person 2 say im an idiot
[10/9/2011 9:56:14 PM] M. Paff: or that im below them
[10/9/2011 9:56:16 PM] M. Paff: or im a retard
[10/9/2011 9:56:21 PM] M. Paff: or im scum
[10/9/2011 9:56:23 PM] Me: I'm not saying you're below me
[10/9/2011 9:56:25 PM] M. Paff: in the past 2 days
[10/9/2011 9:56:27 PM] Me: or you're a retard or a scum
[10/9/2011 9:57:23 PM] Me: like, you don't treat people the way they should be treated
[10/9/2011 9:57:43 PM] Me: are you okay?
[10/9/2011 10:08:29 PM] Me: I feel like if I was really a good friend, I should come over right now because you seriously don't sound okay
[10/9/2011 10:08:40 PM] Me: but then sometimes you don't want me there
[10/9/2011 10:17:41 PM] M. Paff: im sure
[10/9/2011 10:19:03 PM] Me: do you want me over?
[10/9/2011 10:19:08 PM] M. Paff: no
[10/9/2011 10:19:14 PM] Me: k
[10/9/2011 10:19:17 PM] Me: are you feeling better?
[10/9/2011 10:19:19 PM] M. Paff: no

And when I thought I was done with him, he pulls shit like this. Like, leaving him now would mean that I'm a bad friend, that I'm only there when times are good. I'm trying. Believe me. I'm trying. But it's so hard when the other person is unresponsive and isn't willing to communicate at all.


Let me tell you something. Bitching out feels so good. I bitch out to Mlle. Chu and Mlle. Yee and they totally listen. Mlle. Yee thinks he should make more of an effort, and Mlle. Chu thinks I shouldn't abandon him now. Then we talk about Mlle. Chu's problem. I'd love to have her problem than my problem.

But Mlle. Nguyen's problem is the worst. I come back from the bathroom to Mlle. Yee awkwardly chatting with M. Nikitin on Skype while Mlle. Nguyen cries silently next to our laundry.I hug her and try to comfort her, but she seems so upset. Then I signals Mlle. Yee to cut off the conversation so we can deal with Mlle. Nguyen first.

Poor thing. She misses her mom and her old friends and the ways things used to be over the summer. Me too...well, the last part though. And her whole problem with M. Nikitin is just a giant mess, especially since we're mutual friends. She's sleeping over and since Mlle. Yee and I are both sick, we're sharing a bed.

M. Nikitin's given me and Mlle. Yee some medicine for our flu. I hope it works cause we're doing major bonding over boiling water and getting the packages open without scissors late at night in the dark while trying to not make a sound.

Some days are for living. Others are for getting through.

So yesterday was weird day. It was rainy. And I lost my phone--the love of my life--in the lecture hall. That was just like, my day just went out the window.

Obviously, I was really upset, so I went back to the dorm room and M. Paff was on, and I told him. He said that I should contact the PD. I did. Then he wanted us to get lunch. Well, the day before, I had lunch with M. Nikitin in the kitchen. He brought tea. I brought soup. And I didn't want to eat in my room, so I said yeah. I came out at the appointed time and M. Paff was walking toward me with an umbrella. I think we shared an umbrella walking there. It was a nice lunch.

Since it was still raining REALLY HARD, Mlle. Nguyen, Mlle. Yee, and I decide to eat dinner in our room. Mlle. Yee and I made food while Mlle. Nguyen took a long-ass nap; she's been working really hard, so we let her sleep for a long time. Then my roomie and I just watched New Girl and The Lying Game while eating. When Mlle. Nguyen got up, we were done and were back to doing our homework and studying.

Mlle. Nguyen was using my laptop and I was on my bed studying, and M. Paff Skyped her, saying, "I'm horny," and of course, Mlle. Nguyen read it outloud. I tried to play it cool, but it was definitely awkward. Mlle. Nguyen replied, "Dtf?" and he asked if I wanted to play. I told Mlle. Nguyen she should play instead, and she did. Well, Mlle. Nguyen played on my laptop since I wanted to see how a good person played. Mlle. Yee was just amused by all the cussing and hate fest directed toward M. Paff.

She played with M. Paff and Mlle. Mayeda, and M. Paff was talking to this kid from his hall. My God, sometimes I just wish I'm deaf to some things, you know? The way they were referring to their exes and some of the girls in their hall was horrible. I didn't like that.

Then, at 11:30, I think I said I wanted Cha, so M. Paff said he wanted Cha too, and Mlle. Nguyen said she wanted Cha also, so the three of us came over to M. Paff's room to get him and we all walked to Cha together. We got Cha and walked around. It was pretty cool, more so because it was so late at night. Then we all went to his room to show his hallmates what a pimp he was and just watched funny videos.

Not gonna lie, like, the whole time, there were a lot of accidental...or not so accidental...touching. When we were walking together, he lightly punched me and asked if I was staying this weekend. Then when were were outside of Cha drinking tea, we sat next to each other and sometimes my knee would touch his whenever I adjusted. Like, I was trying to not do it so much because I really did not--and still don't--want to get more involved with him than I already am (or is it "was"? Whatevs). Then when we were watching the videos, I was standing behind his chair and leaning into it. I hope he didn't take that the wrong way. But sometimes I would reach up for the mouse, and he would put his hand closer to it. Then when I was leaving, he awkwardly patted me on the shoulder and said, "bye", and, of course, didn't walk me and Mlle. Yee home.

And then today! Oh my God, don't even get me started. I almost cockblock someone today. Mlle. Nguyen. She's been ignoring M. Nikitin and it's so awkward hanging out with the two of them. Since Mlle. Nguyen isn't going to the capture the flag game, I go and get M. Nikitin and he invites us in and guess who's in the closet? Mlle. Nguyen. Later, in my room after Mlle. Yee and M. Nikitin have left to get something, I find out that she's gotten there a few minutes before we come in and interrupt. Then I try to get them to leave. Mlle. Yee doesn't know, but she wants tea, so I tell M. Nikitin to go get tea, and he says Mlle. Nguyen should go with him. Perfect. So they go and I tell Mlle. Yee the whole story and we text him saying that M. Paff's had an emotional breakdown so we've gone to his room, and don't bother coming back.

Good deed of the day.

Then I play LoL and M. Paff goes on. He's rude to me, so I end the call. Then I just play by myself, and Mlle. Nguyen comes back pretty late. So, they've a few minutes together alone before Mlle. Pages brings the whole goddamn gang in the room. Cockblocked twice. Not a good day for her. She's obviously very upset about it, but she doesn't show it much. We only know cause she jumps on my bed and starts wiping tears off of her face. Then she leaves for Evenstar.

M. Paff comes back on and wants to play. I'm just like, "Okay, whatever," and we play. He's had a pretty shitty night too.

This week's been bad, period.

Did I mention that I lost my phone?

Don't close the book; just turn the page.

Dear M. Paff,

I kind of do--but kind of don't--remember how we first became friends. Crazy as it sounds, I've actually tried to analyze it numerous times, and I've thought about setting up the same conditions so I could meet someone who would click with me as well as you did. But things don't work like that because they're not you, so some of the conditions are already not matching up.

Truth is...I think you're the first friend I've ever truly loved...my first real best friend. I could tell you everything...from crushes to bowel movements...absolutely everything and you never once thought I was crazy for it. I loved how you were so attentive and awkwardly charming and open. You enjoyed talking to me and I loved talking to you because we always had such a hilarious time.

Sometimes I look back and I kind of, semi regret ever bringing up the whole friends with benefits thing. Sometimes I think that whole fuck buddy business's partly responsible for the decline of our relationship. Maybe friends aren't meant to be touched in that way by friends; we're just not supposed to have that kind of thoughts about each other. But I don't think I would have done anything differently had I known.

I don't know what'd happened to us. We suddenly went from being thisclose to barely talking. I loved you for a while; I really did, and I had never ever thought that I could love another human being, but I did. I loved you. I was so fond of you. And it felt so good to love someone and be loved in return.

Then we got to college...everything started going wrong with us at college. You closed up. You grew distant. You accused me of being clingy for the littlest things. You said I was your closest friend, but you didn't treat me like one. You stopped telling me things, slowly cutting me out of your life and didn't really give a fuck if you were still in mine or not. You treated me like shit and expected me to drop whatever I was doing to entertain you. Really? I don't think so. I was no longer among your top priorities. Hell, it'd be such an outrageous lie to even say I'm on the list at all. That's not how best friends treat each other. You've always been at the top for me, but I think it's finally time for you to get off the list.

I've woken up today and realized that I don't love you anymore. You were special to me because I was fond of you, but now that you no longer have my love, you're just another person, and, quite frankly, I don't give a shit about other people.

I don't know why or how things have turned out this way, but I'm sure glad I realize that this early. No more dealing with your mood swings, no more trying to keep the conversations alive after the fifty millionth one-word reply, and no more getting annoyed as you repeatedly ditch me for other people.

Now that I think about all these things, I'm kind of getting mad because I shouldn't have let it get this far. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. I wish things were different, and that we were still BFFs, but I'm kind of glad that we're not anymore. I like you still, but I don't think I could ever go back to loving you the way I did because I loved you a lot.

Not anymore, though. I'm just kind of bummed that the BFF seat is now vacant. You've filled it quite well for a while.

Your friend,

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are.

So...M. Nikitin and Mlle. K Nguyen seriously need to work things out between the two of them because ever since they got into whatever they got into, he's been hanging out with me and Mlle. Yee a lot.

Don't get me wrong, we both really enjoy his company, but I just think it's better if Mlle. K Nguyen can join us without having things get awkward.

So...he calls me in the afternoon while I'm trying to steal ten more minutes of nap time and wants my help on picking out ramen. I use that as an excuse and Mlle. Yee and I both walk down to the place and help him pick. Then we go to Jack in the Box and have dinner at four.


Then we get home...blah blah blah...Mlle. K Nguyen joins me and we study our asses off. Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Chu join our study party and that lasts till 10. Yup. Crazy geeking going on there.

I've find that I concentrate so much better now that I'm all cleared about about M. Paff. At eight, I walk over to his dorm to give him back his calculator, and he looks surprised that I don't want to stay. I say I have to get back to studying and just leave. It's kind of empowering, not going to lie. And I haven't been texting him or Skyping him more than necessarily at all.

Then Mlle. Yee and I help M. Nikitin make ramen, and we watch The Roommate in our room. M. Paff wants me to entertain him when we reach the climax. I say, "No. I'm watching a movie." I hate how he always comes to me when he's bored. It makes me feel like I'm an afterthought.

Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks.

I'm tired of M. Paff's antic. His mood swings are erratic and his silence is quiet deafening and annoying. If he wants to talk, then he can text me or call me. I'm tired to making plans and trying to keep the conversation going. Why should I put so much effort into something that he obviously doesn't value.

Sure, I'm all mad now but I feel like once he starts talking to me again, I'll forget all this.

JK. He's just called me while I'm studying and I decline the call. Big step, yeah?

I choose not to project my past onto my future.

So clubbing was a bust, but Mlle. Yee, M. Stone, and I had a good bonding experience.

I don't really know what I'm doing or where I'm going with M. Paff. Like, we're supposed to be best friends, but I feel like...I don't really know. I just know that I should never ever sleep with him and that he's never ever going to see me as more than a friend. I feel like I'm the only one who's actually trying to preserve and keep this relationship going, like M. Paff doesn't put in enough effort. He does it when it's convenient for him, and he doesn't really care about me that much.

So...me and M. Paff eat lunch together with some of the girls from my hall. I miss hanging out with him, sometimes. Then I go to class, come back to the dorm, and sleep for a while. Then Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Ramsden from down the hall hang out in the room while I sketch on the poster. Then me and the girls and M. Nikitin have dinner together. M. Paff's there with Mlle. Pages; he's ditched his usual hall dinner to eat dinner with her--he's never done that for me. He comes over and wants to know if I still want to help him move his stuff out to this car. I say, yeah, just give me a call.

After dinner, we all go to M. Nikitin room to get his roomie M. Uribe and the whole lot of us go back to my room to watch Skins. They don't like it as much as me and Mlle. Yee do. Boo. Then M. Paff shows up to my dorm--wow, first time there!--and wants me to go back to his dorm with him to get his stuff while I'm watching Skins here. I'm like, "Why don't you get all packed, and then call me, and I'll come over and help." We kind of argue about it for a while, but it's nothing serious. Then he comes back and I go to his room and help him with his shit.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but when I leave, Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Chu both look like they want to say, "You help him with stuff but he never helps you with anything. Why are you letting him jerk you around?"

But, like, honestly, I really don't see why he even wants me to come because he's the one carrying everything and I'm just walking with him. I bring it up and he says he wants to spend more time with me. Yeah, right. Do I look stupid to you? But it's nice, just the two of us hanging out. We knock on my window and freak my friends out. Then we walk to his car so he can drop off his stuff and he walks me back to my dorm, all the way to my room--another first. It's an awkward goodbye at the door since I kind of just rush in because I don't want to miss any more Skins.

The lot of us just watch TV on Hulu and talk for a while. The boys seem really quiet, so it's very charming when they laugh or smile. I like having a bunch of friends nearby who I can hang out with anytime. Then the boys leave because their hall has a movie night. Then I leave cause my mom's come to pick me up.

Then I go home and play League of Legends with M. Paff and Mlle. Mayeda. He tells me that there's this girl that he wants to put a move on but he's not sure if he's going to go through it. My immediate guess is the girl that was with him before...Mlle. Lee. He denies it, and I keep guessing. He doesn't want to tell me, and I'm like, "some friends we are." After Mlle. Mayeda's gone to bed, he calls me and wants to play again. While we play, I keep bugging him about it, and he finally says that it is her.

Seriously, I don't really care anymore since I've sorted out my feelings for him, so it's all good. I hope he does things that will make him happy in the end.

Then he finds out that I have a journal and he wants to read it, and I'm like, "HELL NO." But who knows? Maybe I'll show him someday and we can laugh about who silly and irrationally overemotional I can be.

Some days it is a heroic act just to refuse the paralysis of fear and straighten up and step into another day.

Dude, my TAs are so cute!

So, me and M. Paff were supposed to eat dinner together, but he shows up with his hallmates even though he's the one that's asked me. So I eat dinner with my roomie and her friend, which is cool too.

I need to figure out what to get him for his birthday. I'm thinking a foot collage but that may be a little bit hard to explain.

True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.

So I come home at noon and everyone's still in class, so I eat lunch all by myself in my room. Then M. Nikitin texts me and I text him back. He's chilling in his room by himself too, so I tell him to come over since I'm by myself too. So he uses the secret passage and we chill for four hours straight.

He's not as intimidating as he seems. He just seems so smart, and I'm not that clever, so I feel intimidated. He doesn't like Mlle. Pages though. He says she can't keep a secret since she spills hers so easily, something I completely agree with, but I still think she's a nice person. I mean, I would think people like her more than they like me because she's more talkative, but M. Nikitin doesn't like that. He likes that I don't talk too much. Then Mlle. Yee comes home with a shit ton of people and we all hangout in my room.

Then me, Mlle. Yee, Mlle. K Nguyen, and M. Nikitin all go to dinner together. Then me and Mlle. Yee go back to our room and study. At nine-ish we grab a late dinner again while watching The Lying Game. Five minutes after we finish our food, M. Nikitin calls me and is all, "Hey, we have a cake. Wanna come over?" We're just like, "Um...YEAH!"

We wait for Mlle. K Nguyen for two hours because the birthday boy doesn't want to start without her because she's a very good friend. The bunch of us just hangs out in M. Nikitin's room. It's so much fun. No joke.

Hmm...M. Nikitin and Mlle. K Nguyen...they're like, totally stretching the whole sexual tension thing. Everyone can tell they want each other; they just won't admit it.

I wonder if that's how people see me and M. Paff...

Who you know will get your foot into the door. What you know will keep your foot out of your mouth.

So...me and M. Paff's relationship got worse and then better. I think it got better when I realized that me and him would never and should never happen, that we had WAY more fun being just friends. So I stop wanting to hangout as much and hangout with my new friends more.

And of course, once I stop my daily calls, he starts calling me back and wants to know if I want to grab dinner with him. Well, I'm supposed to be having dinner with another hallmate and my roommate and cockblock one of the guys, but they say I should hangout with him instead. So I do. And then he calls Mlle. Pages and we hangout with her too. We grab tea and food at Cha and Mlle. Pages tells me a story of how she and her boyfriend've met. Well, that pales compared to M. Paff and my story cause ours is so much better, you have no idea.

Then we meet up with her boyfriend and M. Paff and I just kind of fourth-wheel it and we all play pool together. It's fun, but I suck pretty bad. Everyone else is good though. Boo. While we're playing, I notice that M. Paff sometimes just stares at me, but he looks away every time I catch him. I'm just like, whatever, cause we're just friends now. After it ends, we all walk to Starbucks; me with M. Paff and Mlle. Pages with her boyfriend. Sometimes he walks really close to me and starts to say something, but he stops every single time.

At Starbucks, while the couple buys their drinks, he asks, "Was it weird for me to stare at your feet the entire time?" and I'm like, "No, I actually have very attractive feet." He laughs. Then we talk to the couple a little bit more before heading back.

On the way back, I'm like, "How come you stare at my feet but you bolt when I ask for a foot massage?" He gives me some random answer, and I'm like, "You know, you're just all talk and no action."

Once I'm back in my dorm, he texts me and says, "I'd probably give you a massage if you asked now." And I'm like, "Give me a message." Since my roommate's here with her friend, I come over to his room with my Bio book since his roommate's gone. I figure I can read while he massages my feet.

Yeah, that plan goes right out of the window. I can't concentrate knowing how turned on he is. Then he says we should stop since he needs to study and I need to study too. Well, I move next to him and put my head on his shoulder and study. Haha. What a lie. We try studying, but it's more like, "fuck it, let's fool around."

Then I go home at about 11:30-ish and gossip with my roommate and her friend. Then M. Nikitin messages me on Facebook saying, "You're up so late!" because yesterday I was in his room and he made me tea and my mom called and I didn't pick up and he wondered why I didn't pick up and I told him that I was supposed to be in bed by nine. It was half past nine at the time. Anyways, so I say, "Don't tell my mom. You stay up late too." And he's like, "You're gonna need a lot of tea of stay up," and I'm like, "Are you inviting me over?" and he says, "Yup." I'm like, "Me and my roommate are watching South Park. Why don't you guys bring the party over here." He asks if he can come over, and I say yes, but I think he's gotten lost. But apparently he's texted me and I don't get texts, so he leaves after waiting outside the door. Haha. Oops.

Depression is when you have lots of love, but no one's taking.

I've figured out that the horrible feeling I've been getting is not because of M. Paff's absence. It's me. It's depression, and it's horrible. I have a gnawing feeling in my stomach like something'll go wrong, except the sensation is constant.

My hallmates and I've gone to the beach after class. I've gotten pretty close with this girl from across the hall. Her name is Mlle. Chu. It's not that fun, at least not for me, because I've been feeling like shit the whole day. The whole goddamn day...I've been soo fucking depressed and lonely even though I'm almost always surrounded by people. It's not the same.

Mlle. Yee, my roommate, has gone home for the weekend so I get the room to myself. Yay. Not really. I miss her company. I hate going to bed alone because she always stays up later and always turns the lights off after I've gone to bed.

Then I go back to my room and talk to M. Dow. God, I miss talking to him. He cheers me right up and tells me how his girlfriend wants to get back together. Then I almost decide to not go to the mixer because I don't feel like getting out of the room, but dancing cures shit, so I decide to go.

My god. I totally need that. It's great. I try calling M. Paff a million times, but he doesn't pick up and I leave millions of messages telling him to come out since his Facebook status says he's not in a good mood. Plus, I kind of want to dance with him. Anyways, he doesn't pick up, but I have a great time regardless.

Then we go back and hangout in the common room. M. Paff finally Skypes me back and tells me what's wrong. Poor baby.

Then me and the rest of the hall watch Catch Me If You Can in my room. Last time I watched that movie, I got plenty of action. Not this time though.

Then Mlle. K Nguyen comes in and tells me she's been sexiled. I'm like, "Come sleep here!" and she's like, "Oh, I'm sleeping in the guys' room," and I'm like, "[M. Nikitin]'s?" and she's like, "Fuck no. I'm so done with that bitch." Apparently they've gotten into a huge fight over nothing and she just doesn't give a shit anymore. I wonder how long before me and M. Paff get that way.

Men have always detested women’s gossip because they suspect the truth: their measurements are being taken and compared.

I think I'm losing M. Paff. We never hangout anymore. We barely even talk. He says I'm being clingy if I want to hangout, but I don't initiate, he doesn't either. He's always with his hall or with other people. Actually, it seems like he's hanging out with everyone but me.

Mlle. K Nguyen has the same problem. Her friend M. Nikitin is really cute and I think they went through the same thing M. Paff and I are going through. Good guy friends turn into jerky guy friends. When I first heard about him, I thought he would be really rude. He doesn't like her in his bed and shit like that, but M. K Nguyen introduces us and he clears a space on his bed for me. Hmm...sounds a bit like some jackass I know?

Then he asks if I want tea, and I'm thinking, "You're white, but you drink tea?" and say, "Um...sure!" and he gets out this box and there are so many freaking flavors of tea. He says I should pick one. Like, the whole time, he doesn't even offer Mlle. K Nguyen ANYTHING! Like, what the fuck?

The four of us go out to eat, and he and his roommate eat a shit ton of food. He barely talks to Mlle. K Nguyen, but he lets me try his food. Like, he's so nice to me and not nice at all to her. I mean, it's nice that they're so comfortable with us, but that doesn't mean they can treat us like crap.

So, my roommate is a lot prettier in person. We got along okay. She's always away with her friends and I'm always away too, but today we watch five hours straight of TV shows on Hulu and the day before we watched She's The Man together. Then Mlle. K Nguyen comes over and we have a giant rant about guy friends. Yup, lovely bonding experience.

First day of class...pretty great. Ballet and How Race is Made. I kind of love it =]

Oh yeah, M. Dow's broken up with his girlfriend. Poor thing.

We are all fallen creatures and all very hard to live with.

So the club fair or whatever is today. I go with this girl from my hall. Then later, we go meet M. Paff and his female friends and we all get lunch. He seems pretty popular with the girls since he’s nice and awkward. Then it ends up with just me and M. Paff going to the fair. I don’t remember much, but there’s definitely a lot accidental hand brushings and arm bumpings. I’m happy with that. Actually, that’s a lie. The whole time, I keep thinking about how—cliché as it sounds—my heart would stop if he had grabbed my hand and held it. I would have let him.

When we get back from the fair, we go to M. Paff’s hall, where we meet M. Kee. He’s so awkward, but M. Paff and I manage to dodge him and play ping pong instead. Then more people come and it gets boring. I go back to my hall while M. Paff goes banner painting with his hallmates. I take a nap in my common room because there’s people there and not deserted like my room because I don’t want to get depressed when I wake up.

Then M. Paff Skypes me, and I tell him to come over, but he doesn’t want to come over because his friend is there. He shows her on camera, and she’s lying on his bed, but he always tries to pull me off when I’m on his bed. WTF? I’m lonely, so I come over and jump on his bed while she’s in her room changing and he tries to pull me off again. Eventually, he gives up. And as I sit, perched on his bed and looking outside, he comes over really close to me and says, “I think she’s really hot, and we’re getting along really great,” and I say, “Do you see it going anywhere?” and he says, “Right now, I’m just trying to be friends with her, but we’ll see how things go.”  We watch his drum line videos together. She comes back and leaves again and he leans almost into me again and says, “To be honest, I see you as a guy friend.” I’m just like, “Okay,” because that’s how it’s supposed to be. Our relationship’s supposed to be strictly platonic and I mess it up by being attracted to him. Doesn’t matter if it’s my fault or not; I still feel so very disappointed. She comes back and we all go to watch this dance thing, except they talk to each other the whole goddamn time. Are you fucking serious? So after a while, I’m like, “I’m going back. Bye,” and leave.

I feel so replaced. Like, that position is easily filled by anybody. I’m so tired of this. We were supposed to go to the ARC together, but now he’s with her and I’m in my dorm room all alone, depressed and watching chick flicks. Whatever.

If you should die before me, ask if you can bring a friend.

Yesterday was move in day. It was fun. I spent most of my evening out with my family and, when I got back, with M. Paff. He and I went to Target in his Mercedes convertible and it was nice, but sometimes I would feel the urge to stroke his hand…or his face…or just touch him in general, you know? I know it’s not normal for one best friend to feel that one about the other, but it’s the truth.

Then today, he helps me get my internet set up, but we fail miserably. We keep going to my room and his room and back again. In my room, I tease him by putting my feet near his face, in his line of sight. He’s definitely affected by that. Then, later, he puts his hand on my knee while we’re talking. Then in his room, while I’m lying in his bed, watching him go on Facebook…scratch that…falling asleep while he goes on Facebook, and he keeps rubbing my shoulders to wake me up. I don’t know, but I feel like he’s trying to get a reaction out of me, so I tell him to stop it.

I feel like it’s hard to get intimate unless you break the touch barrier first. Break it too suddenly, and I get freaked out. I guess you just have to ease into it.

Then we grab lunch and go back to his hall and play ping pong. It’s fun; and he’s cute; and I’m his best friend. God.

After that, we go back to my room to give the internet thing another try.  We get bored cause it doesn’t work, so I ask if he wants to give me a foot massage. I’ve never seen a human being book out of a room so fast. I’m just like, “Okay? What the heck?” Then I take a nap and wake up very depressed and lonely. I take a walk and go up to the common room just out of curiosity and meet a bunch of people there. Then the whole hall gets dinner, and I get to know Mlle. Nguyen better. She’s cool and cute; I like her. M. Paff and I’ve seen her earlier in the day and helped her carry her stuff back, and she’s asked if we were just friends; we’d said that we were.

I seriously don’t know how I feel about M. Paff. We’re supposed to be best friends, which means I’m not supposed to be this attracted to him. But I am. I’m very attracted, but he’s not attracted to me—not one bit. He tells me that he’s been getting close with this one girl in his hall, and I’m kind of sad about it, but I don’t know why. Okay, I lied.  I do know why. I want him to want me back too.

Anyways, I bond with some of my suitemates. They’re really nice and pretty and cool. Then the whole hall has a meeting and we all go to this one boba place. Except me and Mlle. Nguyen RUN over to M. Paff’s room and drag him out with us since he’s in there all by himself. We three go, and it’s fun. Then we decide to go back instead of waiting for the rest of my hall, but Mlle. Nguyen says to go ahead because she’s found her other friends, so it’s just me and M. Paff. We’re high on sugar, so we’re pushing each other off of curbs and cutting each other off. Then we get to his dorm and the sugar crashes. So it’s just me, leaning against the wall, and him, sitting on his bed, and me wanting him to come and sit next to me like he did a few minutes ago. We look at each other once and he says that what I asked him to do was really mean. I’m like, “What are you talking about?” and he’s like, “before you went and took a nap…” and I’m like, “I thought I was being nice!” and he’s like, “No, that’s very mean,” but apparently, he was so turned on, he had to check if it was showing, which explains why he got out of my room so fast. He comes and sits by me; our shoulders are touching for a while, but nothing really goes on. We just talk. At some point, I feel like he wants to make a move, but he wants me to initiate it. Actually, I think he did make a move if I’m not reading too much into it. Once is when he rubs my shoulder, but I’m under the impression he’s trying to get something on my cardigan; it’s clean. Then…when we’re sitting really close next to each other, he puts his hand on my thigh, but the door’s open, so I don’t do anything.

I don’t know. Sometimes I want to be more than friends; sometimes I’m just perfectly content with being just friends.

I ask him to walk me back when it gets late. He doesn’t want to because he’s a pussy. We argue for a while and I’m just like, “Fuck it,” and leave. On my way back, I meet this other white guy, and I’m just like, “Hey, is everyone back?” trying to be friendly, and he’s like, “Yeah, but we’re going out again.” I’m like, “Ooh, where to?” and he goes, “A party. You wanna come?” I’m like, “Sure.” Then I call M. Paff and he says not to go, but I go anyways.

It’s boring; people just smoke weed; the music’s barely audible; so the bunch of us leaves and comes back to campus,  where M. Paff tells me that M. Kee, this boy who thinks I’m really hot, thinks I’m in love with M. Paff. Of all the people who suspect that we’re together, I think M. Kee has more or less the right idea. Everyone else thinks it’s him that’s in love with me. 

I wish. Really.

Love is like falling down... in the end you're left hurt, scarred, and with a memory of it forever.

Please, please, please, please, please don't let me fall for M. Paff. He'll break my heart into tiny little pieces and throw them to the wind if I give it to him, which I won't--not willingly. He's not for me. He's heartless to the people he hates. I don't think he knows this about himself, but he can be manipulative as well.

Insecure as I am, loving a person like that will only hurt me.

I've just read some of his ex's posts on her blog. She's very depressed. She still wants him, obviously. She just wants to talk, but all he has to say about her is "She's a stupid bitch." That's cold, cruel, and heartless.

I'm kind of scared to get too involved. I was rereading our earlier messages on Skype and noticed how light and natural our conversations went; now it feels almost heavy and forced.

All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.

M. Paff and I had another fight. I manned up and apologized even though it wasn't really my fault. I started to feel really upset when he replied with "apology accepted". I was just like, "THAT'S IT? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO TELL ME?" but then he apologized too. That's good. If he didn't apologize, I think we would have been done.

My grandma is in a coma. No one bothered to tell me until she got really bad. What the fuck? Yesterday, my dad left the country to be by her side. I feel bad for my grandpa. He's gonna lose his only companion, and you can tell he really, totally loves her even though she has dementia and she's bawdy and vulgar and sometimes hits on him in front of us. I don't know how I feel about this. I know her, but right now, she doesn't feel like a real person to me. Hardly anyone feels real right now. I once again revert to thinking that everyone's programmed except for me.

My mom and brother are helping me move in. I don't know how I feel about that.

A few more weeks then I'm done with this blog and onto another one. I think toward the end, I've drifted a bit far away from the people I've given/will give access to this blog, and I no longer feel comfortable with them reading my private and sometimes insane thoughts and feelings and my countless and erroneous assumptions and predictions.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

I find out who my roommate is today. She sounds like a very nice person, but she's not that cute and M. Paff's roomie isn't cute either so my plan to get with his roomie and get M. Paff with my roomie and have each couple use a room kind of fails really bad. But she sounds like a really nice person, and I'm really glad that I'm not rooming with a bitch.

M. Paff. Oh my gosh. Whenever we webcam, which we do all the time, I just wanna kiss him. Which is weird because I don't like him. He's not attracted to me AT ALL. And he thinks all these ugly girls are prettier than me. Okay, I know I'm not the most gorgeous girl out there, but MY GOD, REALLY? I'm decent looking. Christ.

My mother wants me to not have any kind of life whatsoever in college. Well, Mother, we'll see about that.

M. Paff wants me to hook him up with a girl. I agree and once I'm done with that, we're sneaking through the cemetery. Yup. I wanna sneak through one at night before I die.

Mlle. K. Nguyen is gonna be in my hall on my floor! Wheeee! That girl cracks me up. No joke. Funniest person alive.

I move in on the 17th of September, two hours before M. Paff moves in. I think I'm going alone since my parents are gonna be busy, so I've asked M. Paff to come early and help me move in.

I've talked to Mlle. Johnston on Skype today. I miss her.

Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

My goodness, M. Paff's gotten me addicted to League of Legends. Yup. We're such geeks. It's all fun and good except I hate how sometimes he gets annoyed at how I suck at computer games.

I feel so uneasy whenever  this one girl--who's also going to UCI next fall--talks to him on Facebook. She tags him in EVERYTHING, and I'm scared that maybe M. Paff is my BFF, but I'm not his. Maybe this girl is his BFF. He reassures me that I'm his BFF, though, which is good. I know this is really trivial and juvenile, but right now, M. Paff is my only friend at UCI. I just feel like having at least one companion will give me and him a better leverage when meeting new people. Like, I'm not as worried about meeting new people if I know have a solid base behind me. With most of my friends MIA, M. Paff makes up the majority of my base right now. Maybe I'm just anxious about the possibility that M. Paff will like this other girl better and ditch me for her. I don't know. Why am I so insecure? My insecurity must be annoying and it probably drives away people which leads to me not having any friends, and not having any friends makes me insecure. It's a vicious cycle!


Sometimes I feel like I'm getting too attached to M. Paff. Like, I want him to pay attention to me and talk to me all the time. I want him to like me, but I don't like him like that; I know that's really selfish and unfair of me, but that's how it is right now. One possible explanation for this is I'm just lonely and insecure right now and he's my only friend and he's also a boy and I'm attracted to him so I want him to want me too as proof that I am indeed desirable. I don't know. Maybe I'm getting attached because we kissed. I don't know, but I do know for a fact that I don't like him. At least, not now.


M. Dow says that I'm fooling myself if I think my friendship with M. Paff is completely platonic.


Speaking of M. Dow...Hurricane Irene is said to hit Long Island the hardest and that's where he lives. I'm scared for him. I haven't heard from him in days and right before, he said that he needed to talk to me ASAP, but I wasn't there. Oh, God.

I hope to stand firm enough to not go backward, and yet not go forward fast enough to wreck the country's cause.

Okay, so my mom keeps mentioning M. Paff. She keeps saying how he looks so nice, and I'm just thinking to myself, "His hands are really nice too." And she thinks we should be friends, and I'm just like, "Oh, you have no idea." She's just saying that. Once she knows he's my friend she'll feel threatened. She thinks which ever boy I decide to date will lead me away from her.

Trust me, I don't need a boy to do that.

So M. Paff got me addicted to League of Legend. Yay. We play together online, and this game totally explains why he's gone reticent. It's a full-screen game and it's a pain to check Skype while you're in game, so what we do is call each other and turn off the videos and just play.

Yes, it's very nerdy. Haha.

Mlle. Johnston's all moved in. So is my cousin and Mlle. Hatfield, who came over the other day to give me my graduation present. It was incredibly awkward because there was really nothing to talk about because I've been hanging out with Mlle. Johnston so much more than I have with her, and everyone knows those two hate each other. So Mlle. Johnston calls me at dinner because she's lonely and I'm like, "You need to hang up the phone and make friends. Like, now." And she says we have to Skype later. So she Skypes me and says that she's made two new friends and one of them is Vietnamese and that I have nothing to worry about because the Vietnamese girl is nothing like me and she likes me so much better. Well, I'm glad.

Speaking of high school friends, Mlle. Yasakova's recently decided to reconnect. Are you serious? No, I'm out of high school and I want nothing to do with that drama. Nonononno. I'm done. You ditched me. It's nice that you want to reconnect and make nice, but I'm done. I'm over it and I've already moved on. I'm way gone, actually.

I saw M. T. Bland (the twin that I didn't have a crush on) the other day at McDonald's. He was working there and he saw me and he looked happy, you know, like, yay, someone I know. I was like, "HEY...can I get a big Mac?" and he got confused and disappointed because I guess he was expecting more of a greeting than that. Oh, god. I definitely screwed that up. Oh, Jesus, I did. We asked each other about college and stuff. Then later, my brother went and ordered a smoothie or whatever, but the cashier gave him the wrong one, so M. T. Bland saw his hesitation and asked me if something was wrong, and then he fixed it for us. That was really nice. When I left, I said "bye" to make up for my awkward greeting.

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

So M. Paff and I have gotten back to our normal selves, talking regularly. He invites me to go with him to this band’s preview thing, but I obviously can’t since I live an hour and a half away and gas is really expensive right now. So he goes by himself and meets his ex there. I get home, and the first thing I get is a text from him saying, “WHY THE FUCK DID MY EX DRIVE AN HOUR AND A HALF TO SEE A SHOW SHE WASN’T INVITED TO?” and I’m like, “To see your lovely face, of course.” Apparently, he ignores her at the show and she texts him afterward asking why he didn’t talk to her because she wanted to talk to him because she missed him. Like, at the point, I feel really bad for her because those lines remind me of the time when he was mad at me. He’s extremely unsympathetic toward her because he says she was a bitch to him before.

But the thing I’ve noticed about M. Paff is he doesn’t really have any good relationships with the female population. His ex is a bitch; his mother is a bitch; his sister is a bitch. I have a feeling that if our friendship ends badly, I’ll join his collection of bitches.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

So my mother was stalking my Facebook last night and found out that I listed "Atheism" as my religious affiliation or whatever, and she freaked out! And then today, she's like, "So...that boy from Chino Hills who's going to UCI with you looks very nice/cute." I'm like, freaking out on the inside while I think of all the things that link me and M. Paff together on Facebook. There's one picture of us. That's about it. And I'm like, "How do you know him?" Oh, I just STALK YOUR FACEBOOK. No biggie.


I've resolved to not talk to M. Paff if he doesn't talk to me, but when I get home, he greets me with a funny/playful hello and I tell him about my mother's stalking. Then it gets quiet after that. Then I'm like, "Maybe it's just me, but sometimes you seem like you want to talk, but when I talk to you, it seems like you don't want to anymore." He says I'm being paranoid and I should stop freaking out. I'm trying! Believe me, I am.


Then we talk--okay, more I talk--for a bit more before he says he needs to go do something and that he's telling me now so I won't flip out. Well, thanks for the heads up.

I'm glad this is over. Jesus, it was a pain in the ass.

Then I talk to M. Dow for an hour. Like, we haven't really talk-talked for a while. We've been IMming on Skype, but not like, a sit down and talk thing. It's nice to talk to him again. He's fun, and I like that.

Then I talk to Mlle. Jang for a little bit. She's reading this and she knows what we talked about so there's no point in repeating it.

Then M. Paff and I actually talk for a little bit before he goes to bed. You know...about time!

You won't find a solution by saying there is no problem.

M. Paff is mad at me but he doesn't know why. How mad? An 8 on scale from 1-10. Oh, boy.

I don't know what I've done wrong. I think he knows; he just doesn't want to tell me and that pisses me off because I've been under the impression that what we have is an honest and open relationship where I don't have to keep asking questions to find out what's wrong.

He says it got started the day he was depressed. Well, okay. So, the day he was depressed, these things happened:

-I videochatted with the kids from camp and they screenshot a picture of us doing messed up faces.
-He saw the picture and jokingly accused me of videochatting with them but not webcamming with him.
-It was late, so I talked to him for a bit and wished him goodnight.
-He seemed depressed so I stayed up a bit later to cheer him up. 
-He went quiet and said he'd be fine and I should go to bed.
-After a few more tries, I went to bed.


This morning, at 1ish, he Skype me. We have an stilted conversation where I can't decide whether to let things smoothly go back to the way they were or give him a hard time because at that point, I'm pretty pissed off as well. I don't want to do either so I choose the middle road. At one point, I flatly ask him if why he's talking to me again. He says he just wants to talk. I ask him if he's still mad at me and he's not. I ask him if he'll be mad at me again tomorrow because I have a feeling he's talking to me out of boredom. He says he'll be mad again if I keep bringing it up. Then I tell him I'm going to bed, but I return after a few minutes telling him about how I can't decide on how to treat him. Then he decides to go to bed. He goes 


Yes, we're both being very mature about this, I know.


I should have been nicer to him. I think it was awkward for him to talk to me again. I feel bad when I reread the conversations, but what's done is done.


Then, tonight, we kind of have a quick conversation where I as before he disappears again.  Like, seriously, if that's not ignoring someone, then I don't know what is, and I tell him so. Then I find out he hasn't been on Skype. Oh, dear lord. Then we're back to having one-word conversations again.

Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.

M. Paff is driving me INSANE! Oh, my FUCKING God! He's gone almost completely reticent; he's not like that normally.

I text him saying, "How come you don't talk to me anymore?" He gets defensive and accuses me of sounding like his girlfriend and I'm like, No, I just wanna know why we don't talk anymore. He says, "Cause shit happens." When I ask him about the "shit" he says he's going to bed. What the fuck?

Then I say, "I hope you have nightmares, shitwhore," because we always call each other stupid names like that, but he thinks I really mean that. I say, no, I don't mean that, and he says "BS...you're pissed that I haven't been online and now you're pissed that I'm going to bed." Well, I'm pissed, but I don't hope you have nightmares.


Why can't he just say it instead of avoiding the issue? Avoiding it won't make it go away.

I'll be so pissed if it stems from the fact that we kissed. Or if he had some stupid dream where I did some messed up things to him.

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be.

M. Paff is being a bitch. The other day he was depressed and I was trying to help and now he's ignoring me. What? Okay, well, I'm not contacting him for the whole night today. If he doesn't contact me, I'll call him tomorrow to see what's wrong. BOO.

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

I remember why I have been avoiding hanging out with Mlle. Smith. She's so boring. All she talks about is M. Smith because he's the only person she's been hanging out with this whole summer. Every time I do something that remotely deviates from ordinariness, it's, "Oh, my God, you're so weird," or "Oh, my God, you're so awkward." Well, I'd rather be weird than be ordinary and boring.

The thing is, when I'm with Mlle. Johnston, she joins in on the stupid shit I do. Like the other day when she comes over in the middle of the night. It's fun; it's spontaneous; it's not boring. 

Friends are kisses blown to us by angels.

I lost my first kiss today. Sigh. I don't feel any different though. Kissing is a lot wetter than I thought it would be. Well, I mean, you are sharing saliva. It's not as amazing as I'd hoped. It's nice, I guess, but I'd much prefer necking and nuzzling. And cuddling. Definitely cuddling. The caressing was lovely as well.


M. Paff is very good with his hands. It's not what you think. Our clothes stay on since we watch the movie in his living room with his mother upstairs. But, my God, is he good with his hands.


What I love the most is how subtle and smooth it went. I initiate it first by putting my head on his shoulder. Then he slowly gets his hand closer to my thigh and lightly traces circles over my tights. Tracing leads to more tracing and brushing and touching and all that.


I would love to go into details, but since I'm sharing this blog with two other people, it's nobody's business except for M. Paff's and my own. But, goodness, it's like a little dance; I like that.

Well, since Mlle. Johnston and M. Dow are my confidantes, they know how far I've gone today. Well, M. Dow knows a bit more since Mlle. Johnston is a real person and it's a bit awkward to tell her sometimes. Haha. But she comes over at midnight cause I call her at midnight and I'm like, "Hey, I have to tell you something," and she's like, "Want me to come over?" and I'm like, "Sure." And she comes over and we giggle about it in her car. Well, she's the only real person beside M. Paff and I who know of our special relationship. Everyone else thinks we're just friends. Well, we are just friends.

Now that I've kissed him and all that, I think I can totally handle this whole separation of love and intimacy. Like, the whole time, what we do feels good, yeah, but I totally don't feel anything romantic feelings for him whatsoever. Like, we're getting all the sexual tension out, you know? That's good. That's great, even! But, you know, it's the first time. We'll see how it goes.

But it's nice being with him like that, you know? So much better than David since David has clammy hands and sometimes I feel nasty when he puts them on me. But M. Paff's hands are very nice--I think I've said that enough.

Got my haircut. Kind of really like it. Got sidebangs and got the ends trimmed. YEAH.

Now that M. Smith is gone, Mlle. Smith feels horrible and she wants to talk to and hangout with me. Thing is, I don't want to hangout with her. I feel like it'd be such a drag. But then I feel like such a bad friend for ditching her NOW. I don't know. The right thing to do is to hangout with her, but the desirable thing to do is to move on.

I should start thinking about a new name for the next blog since I'll be done with this one the day I move out. I need something clever and witty. Whatever, I have 33 days to figure it out.

A bit of lusting after someone does wonders for the skin.

So, my morning consists of thinking about M. Paff and I, watching Friends, and talking to M. Paff. Of course, only I would pick the worst outfit to wear to Skype him: a strapless romper with a pearl necklace. Well, when I put the ensemble together, I thought having my hair up would be a nice finishing touch since it would accentuate my naked shoulders. The thing is, if I have my camera angled too low, he'll get a nice view of my cleavage--or lack thereof. If I angle the camera too high, my face is viewed from an unflattering angle, and I sure don't want that. The "right" angle spans from just above the neckline of the romper, which makes me look naked--and the pearls and the up-do definitely emphasize that. M. Paff wants me to call him if I get bored or to tell him things, like how we've called each other at our SPOPs. I call the camp and they tell me there won't be any cellular service. Of course. For five days. Yup. Lovely.

Then I drive the kids to camp. It's a very nice place. It's remote--which explains the lack of phone and Internet service. When we get there, there are three other people already there. One of them is a dude called Nick and with him is his sister Neaty. Nick looks 16, but he's actually almost 20. Neaty is my age. And later comes a girl from Peru named Angie.

Nick is such a nice guy! He knows beforehand that they make us eat vegetarian food here, so he stocks up on beef jerky and all that. He shares a piece with me, a stranger, after I take a dump--that last bit is privy to the general public. Then he notices that my sister's left the lights on in my car and walks me back to my cabin--the farthest one from anywhere--and to the car and back. And when I lose my keys, he helps me look for it outside in the dark late at night.

Just for future reference, my keys are in my suitcase the whole time.

I talk to my sister about staying until Friday, and she wants to do it. Well, we need to convince my mother because I really want to hangout with M. Paff.

Of course, now that M. Paff knows that I want him to make the first move, I think I'll lose my kissing virginity the next time we hangout. If he doesn't want to make the first move, I will. I kind of want my first kiss to be of me kissing someone, not someone kissing me. M. Dow says that the chance of M. Paff rejecting me is very, very low unless he's a homo. Well, the thing is, M. Dow thinks I'm an 8.3; M. Paff thinks I'm a 6 since he's gay and doesn't want to do decimals like the rest of the normal people population. Yeah, so M. Dow thinks I'm attractive, but M. Paff only thinks I'm decent. But at least his dad thinks I'm really hot, which I hope plays up that whole "if a lot of other guys think she's hot, then she becomes hotter in my eyes" concept. Yeah, I sure hope so. But the thing that pisses me off is he things this hideous girl is an 8 and Mlle. Johnston is a 5. I'm like, "Hell, no. Your rating system is jacked up."

But then again, Thursday seems too soon. It feels like I should wait more to make us want each other like mad and then get together then it'll be crazy. Plus, I haven't waxed my upper lip yet.

If your heart was a prison, I would like to be sentenced for life.

So I thought about M. Paff the whole day. Well, to be more accurate, I thought about M. Paff and I being together and kissing the whole day. Well, then I got bored and stopped thinking about it.

Friends marathon today. Season one. Yeah. Good stuff.

I talked to M. Paff for a bit after he got to Palm Spring. We talked on and off until his dad realized that he was talking to a friend, and he made M. Paff give me a tour of the house. Then we resumed talking until he had to go to dinner. Then I returned to watching Friends. Then at night, I talked to M. Dow--who I haven't talk to in quite a while. I told him about the situation and he was supportive. We had a good conversation, and he told me to keep him updated. Then we talked about his girlfriend--who he thought was beginning to feel clingy. Then we talked about the attractiveness of men and women. Then he had to go to bed.

Season two. Yup. Where Ross and Rachel kind of get together but don't.

K. I'm going to switch to the present tense now. It's a less awkward way to talking. Then M. Paff comes back and we talk/flirt. One thing leads to another and we end up talking about things that turn us on. Well, I know what turns him on, but last time we talked about that, I opted out since I wasn't that comfortable yet. But I'm comfortable now, so we talk about that. Well, nice and naked shoulders turn me on, especially when they're rubbed by nice hands. When M. Paff learns about that, he immediately takes off his shirt and starts rubbing his shoulder with his hands. Oh, my gosh. I try to look away, but my face gets so warm and I'm clearly blushing. M. Paff clearly enjoys it.

I don't know when I'll see him again, but I hope that when I do, I'll actually get some action.

Just saying.

If you live in rock and roll, as I do, you see the reality of sex, of male lust and women being aroused by male lust. It attracts women. It doesn't repel them.

So M. Paff and I hung out today. We went to Yogurtland and then to the movie.

Um...so...the whole time, I wanted to jump him. We were sitting next to each other, and he was using the arm rest, leaning toward me, and I was leaning toward him, but we weren't touching. But then toward the end of the movie, we were sitting, leaning toward each other with our shoulders touching. It felt good; it felt natural. My chest felt really warm the whole time--which felt really nice. Once, this ugly ass alien popped up and I grabbed his arm and squeezed it--out of fright. I was kind of disappointed when we got back to his house. His mother was in a pissy mood so I couldn’t come in, which meant I just dropped him off. Maybe it was just my imagination, but he lingered a bit, but I hurried him out since I didn’t want him to miss his class at eight and his mother to hate me more. Last time I got a really nice hug. This time I didn't really get anything.

So...I consulted my guy friends who were on on Skype. M. Foghi said no, don't tell him; if he wanted me, he would have jumped me. M. Monge said to hangout with him more and let things flow. Wow, that was helpful. M. Giusti said to tell him but it might get awkward.

Well, once he got on, I asked him what he was doing. He said he needed to do homework, and I was like, “Do homework.” And he was like, “What’s wrong?” and I was like, “Do your homework first,” and he was like, “No, no. What’s wrong?” That went on for a while because I’d rather not rush it and I was stalling for time since I was still waiting for M. Giusti’s opinion since he seems the most sensible out of all the guys I know.

Well, after beating around the bushes for a while, I told him. He didn't get it, so I actually had to say that I wanted to lean over and kissed him. Then there was a pause and I thought he was freaking out, but he said that I should have done it since he was thinking of making a move--which was why he suggested that we sit in the back--but didn't since he didn't want to freak me out. 

Then I asked him where we were, and he said he thought we were still in the same place. Well, definitely not. K. I’m going to switch to the present tense now. So I find out that he sees me differently than he does his other friends, that I’m in between being just friends and a crush—like, a five or a six if one was completely platonic and ten was crushing. Well, he’s kind of the same way for me, but he’s probably a 7.5 ; it’s a good thing he doesn’t know that. I’m definitely more attracted to him than he is to me. But I still don’t like him and he still doesn’t like me.

It’s weird, but I want him to think about me; I want him to like me, because if he likes me there’s a very good chance I’ll like him back. But then that just seems like I’m waiting for him to like me so I can like him. I didn’t restrain myself; I was just a coward.

We’re going to give this friends with benefits thing a try. First promise to myself broken.

At first I’m excited. Then it starts to feel wrong; I feel emotionally drained and tied down—which is ironic since I’m not in a relationship. I tell M. Paff I’m having second thoughts and he says it’s okay. So now we’re just friends, which makes me feel slightly better.

Do not follow vain desires; for verily he who prospers is preserved from lust, greed and anger.

Um...I want to kiss M. Paff, but I don't like, like him. Does that make sense? No, of course it doesn't. It doesn't make much sense to me either, but every time I see him, I want to jump his bone--without the actual deed, of course.

So, yeah. We're hanging out in person tomorrow. Let's see if I can control my urges.

Friends can be said to "fall in like" with as profound a thud as romantic partners fall in love.

I can’t seem to get M. Paff out of my mind after that conversation we had the other day. And then yesterday, we were talking and he was worn out from SPOP and telling me about it that he was falling asleep—kind of. It was cute; it makes me want to actually fall asleep next to someone I actually like. You know, like, after a long day, we lie in bed and talk to each other—maybe cuddle a little bit—and just fall asleep like that. Wouldn’t that be nice?

And then today, we were kind of IMing on Skype. I was reading mangas like the geek that I am and talking to M. Monge at the same time and M. Paff was just doing whatever. Whenever I stopped talking, he would ask if I’d gone to bed. When I asked why he’d ask that, he told me not to worry about it. Then it got late, so he said he was getting off. Before he actually got off, however, he said, “Thank you for being you. Thank you for being here. And thank you for being a friend. It means a lot to me.”And, of course, I freaked out because I thought he was going to commit suicide. I made him promise that he wouldn’t. He wasn’t planning on committing suicide but promised not to anyways. Then I told him he meant a lot to me too. He said that something happened earlier today that ruined his whole day and it just “made me glad to have found people like you.”

Day made? Kind of? 

Friends with benefits? Don't sample the goodies unless you're willing to risk addiction and withdrawal.

On Sunday, Mlle. Johnston called me up and asked if I wanted to go see Friends with Benefits. I asked my mother and she said it was okay. So, we went and saw it with her mother, who also paid for me.

It’s a typical rom-com. It’s funny, has a happy ending where the guy realizes that he’s been in love with the girl the whole time. Well, life doesn’t work like that, but knowing that didn’t stop me from sharing my thoughts with M. Paff. I was only a quarter serious, but I jokingly—completely jokingly—asked him if he wanted to be mine, and he said he was 50/50 on the idea and he would need time to think about it before giving me an answer. I think he was serious. Well, the thing is, for the past couple of days, I’ve been complaining about how I wanted to be with someone after I found out that I actually did not kiss David, which is good, don’t get me wrong. Yes, I was disappointed, but I was very, very, very relieved.

Then today, M. Paff and I video chatted again for a bit until he started to play Black Ops at the same time. Sure, I love watching guys play Black Ops as much as the next girl, but I ended the call because I wanted to talk to M. Monge. Well, I didn’t tell him that, of course, but M. Paff wanted me to stay on so we could talk while he played. Um…I don’t ever want to be a second thought, so I said it was alright. Then, after a while, he said I looked good. I was like, “I’m not mad at you,” and he was like, “Are you going to take a compliment or are you going to overanalyze it?”

Well, I have a gigantic pimple on my nose, but, okay, I’ll take it. There was something I wanted to do uninterrupted, so I told everyone I was talking to that I was going to bed. That was at midnight, so it was understandable. So I downloaded music and synched my iPhone. I also worked on catching up with blog; it’s nice to be caught up—I’m still working on that.

Then, at about one, I went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I texted/Skyped M. Paff asking if he was up, and he was. I told him I couldn’t sleep, and he seemed concerned—which is always nice. Then we talked, and he confessed that he’d been having weird thoughts lately and he was wondering if I’d be creeped out if I knew he was very seriously considering what I’d said the other day. The conversation got going and I told him that it wouldn’t be such a good idea for me to enter into a no-string-attached relationship with him if I was the least bit attracted to him, and I was a bit attracted to him. So, I’ll think he cares for me, when he doesn’t, and start to like him back, and that’s going to work in this kind of a relationship. He said that if I thought I couldn’t handle it, then it’d be a better idea to not get into it. I concurred.

Then he asked me why I even thought of the whole friends with benefits thing, and I told him basically everything. Then I asked him, and he said he wasn’t attracted to me (the nerves…haha jk), but, for some reason, he thought I’d looked really good today, so he started to reconsider it.

Okay, well, I think I’ve had better days, but the only thing I did differently today was I had my hair up. Now that I think about it, when I started to gather my hair to put it up, he’d stopped playing and started watching. Hmm…that’s interesting since M. Dow says I look a lot prettier with my hair down, but M. Paff prefers me with my hair up.

Just to clear things up, even if M. Paff and I got into that kind of a relationship, we most likely (95% sure) wouldn’t go all the way because I’d like my first time to be with someone who loves me.

But then again, I’ve been saying that my whole life about my first kiss.

Oh, I almost forget about M. Monge. I’m so glad he doesn’t see me as a piece of meat anymore. Now he sees me as a female friend he gets off to. Hah. Just kidding. Kind of.

But I like talking to him because even though he accuses me of asking the world’s weirdest questions, he answers me seriously, be it about college or sexual fetishes.