If you live in rock and roll, as I do, you see the reality of sex, of male lust and women being aroused by male lust. It attracts women. It doesn't repel them.

So M. Paff and I hung out today. We went to Yogurtland and then to the movie.

Um...so...the whole time, I wanted to jump him. We were sitting next to each other, and he was using the arm rest, leaning toward me, and I was leaning toward him, but we weren't touching. But then toward the end of the movie, we were sitting, leaning toward each other with our shoulders touching. It felt good; it felt natural. My chest felt really warm the whole time--which felt really nice. Once, this ugly ass alien popped up and I grabbed his arm and squeezed it--out of fright. I was kind of disappointed when we got back to his house. His mother was in a pissy mood so I couldn’t come in, which meant I just dropped him off. Maybe it was just my imagination, but he lingered a bit, but I hurried him out since I didn’t want him to miss his class at eight and his mother to hate me more. Last time I got a really nice hug. This time I didn't really get anything.

So...I consulted my guy friends who were on on Skype. M. Foghi said no, don't tell him; if he wanted me, he would have jumped me. M. Monge said to hangout with him more and let things flow. Wow, that was helpful. M. Giusti said to tell him but it might get awkward.

Well, once he got on, I asked him what he was doing. He said he needed to do homework, and I was like, “Do homework.” And he was like, “What’s wrong?” and I was like, “Do your homework first,” and he was like, “No, no. What’s wrong?” That went on for a while because I’d rather not rush it and I was stalling for time since I was still waiting for M. Giusti’s opinion since he seems the most sensible out of all the guys I know.

Well, after beating around the bushes for a while, I told him. He didn't get it, so I actually had to say that I wanted to lean over and kissed him. Then there was a pause and I thought he was freaking out, but he said that I should have done it since he was thinking of making a move--which was why he suggested that we sit in the back--but didn't since he didn't want to freak me out. 

Then I asked him where we were, and he said he thought we were still in the same place. Well, definitely not. K. I’m going to switch to the present tense now. So I find out that he sees me differently than he does his other friends, that I’m in between being just friends and a crush—like, a five or a six if one was completely platonic and ten was crushing. Well, he’s kind of the same way for me, but he’s probably a 7.5 ; it’s a good thing he doesn’t know that. I’m definitely more attracted to him than he is to me. But I still don’t like him and he still doesn’t like me.

It’s weird, but I want him to think about me; I want him to like me, because if he likes me there’s a very good chance I’ll like him back. But then that just seems like I’m waiting for him to like me so I can like him. I didn’t restrain myself; I was just a coward.

We’re going to give this friends with benefits thing a try. First promise to myself broken.

At first I’m excited. Then it starts to feel wrong; I feel emotionally drained and tied down—which is ironic since I’m not in a relationship. I tell M. Paff I’m having second thoughts and he says it’s okay. So now we’re just friends, which makes me feel slightly better.