I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year.

I honestly don't know how I feel about anything anymore.

So Mlle. Yee's found out on her own that M. Nikitin likes her, but M. Nikitin finds out that she's friendzoned him so bad it's not even funny, and he's disappointed. I'm just in the middle of all this. Sometimes I want him really bad, but other times I don't.

Yesterday was kind of crazy. We were sitting next to each other, and sometimes we'd touch, but the other person always move away after a minute or two just to come back and touch the first person with something else. Then the cycle starts again.

I don't know. It just feels like I'm just getting the attraction with not infatuation with people here.

Oh, yeah. I met a cute boy on Friday and we got talking. The only things I know about him are that he's a Music major--M. Readdick can help me with that--and he has the same iPhone case and he's in the Logic class right before my Chemistry class. I'll probably never see him again, but I'll try talking to more people now.

The secret to true happiness is a combination of low expectations and insensitivity.

Mlle. Yee texts M. Nikitin at dinner saying that I want him. She just keeps it going without knowing that he likes her. Goddamn it. It's just a silly joke, but still.

M. Paff hangs out in my room yesterday with all the girls. It's nice just sitting next to him...like, platonically speaking, of course. Mlle. Yee's convinced that we're meant for each other. Hmmm...no.

Then, of course, M. Readdick messages me on Facebook saying how the bunch of us haven't hung out in a while so we should all go to Lee's Sandwich. Well, M. Paff doesn't like strangers, so I decide to stay and hang out with him since WE haven't hung out in a while.

A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door. Guess who. The whole lot of them crashing our study party. M. Nikitin's there too, and I immediately sense tension when he sees that I'm sitting next to M. Paff, and I can definitely feel the awkwardness between the two of them since M. Nikitin knows that M. Paff knows about me and him the other night. But M. Nikitin is a bigger person and extends the invitation to M. Paff too, except M. Paff just kind of left without telling me. Rude.

It's a fun night.

Oh, yeah, guess who got an 87.5/100 on her Chem midterm. This girl.

Extreme complication is contrary to art.

So M. Paff and I have reconciled, thank God. I told him about what happened with M. Nikitin and he told me about Mlle. Lee, who is such a bitch. I think the two of us are on good terms now.

Anyways, I think M. Nikitin likes Mlle. Yee. It's just a hunch since he's always teasing her and the last two times he's slept over, he's slept in her bed, which makes me feel a bit like a third wheel, but it's really no biggie. I think she likes him as well, but I'm going to keep both thoughts to myself for now and see how things unfold.

To be honest, I was a bit interested in M. Nikitin, and I really didn't care that Mlle. Nguyen liked him too, but now that I think Mlle. Yee likes him, I'll bow out gracefully. They're cuter together anyways. Mlle. Nguyen makes things so complicated with her love-hate relationship with him; Mlle. Yee keeps things nice and simple, and that's way easier to deal with than complications, obviously.

Oh, yeah, I went kayaking with the girls yesterday. Fun fun fun. I also dropped my new phone on Thursday and now it won't get any signals and it won't charge. Just my luck.

Bio midterm tomorrow. I'm so fucking scared.

Okay, so I tell M. Nikitin my theory and he confirms it. I love being right.

Then I suddenly experience a wave of loneliness as I study for my midterm. M. Nikitin comes over, and so does Mlle. Nguyen. We all study, and there's obviously tension since Mlle. Nguyen won't talk to M. Nikitin at all. I text him from my computer, saying that as long as Mlle. Yee thinks Mlle. Nguyen likes him, he doesn't have a chance. He texts me back saying that he's told her that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her last week, which is why she's not touchy-feely with him anymore. It's just a conversation that needs to be have in person...something that can't happen right now with the other girls in the room.

Eventually, I get horribly sleepy, and I ask if there's anything I can take to keep me awake. M. Nikitin suggests coffee, and, using that as an excuse, I tell him to come with me to get it. Then EVERYTHING comes spilling out.

Mlle. Nguyen's given a letter telling him how she hates the way he treats her. He says he treats her like a sibling, but, in my opinion, if she wants him to treat her nicer, then she should start treating him nicer too, because she doesn't treat him very nicely at all. He says that he's more worried about Mlle. Yee thinking there's something going on between us than with him and Mlle. Nguyen. For some reason, I think I ask him if he thought I liked him...and he says yes. WTF? I'm like, "WHY?"

Apparently, Mlle. Nguyen's been telling him that I'm in love with him. I'm like, speechless. What the fuck? No. My god, what the fuck.

Then he says he doesn't want to make a move until he's sure that she likes him back because if she doesn't...oh boy, our whole little group would get fucked.

I feel a lot better after going out for coffee. Like, a lot better. But not about the midterm though. I still don't know shit. 

I'd never realized how often

I'd realize how hard it is to not touch someone knowing--okay, assuming--that they want to touch you too.

At dinner today we sit next to each other, and he keeps nudging me with his elbow and bumping my arm with his. I know it's done on purpose because, yeah, we're sitting pretty close, but not that close because I don't want other people to catch. But, eventually, we scoot close enough together where I can reach up and kiss his face if I'd wanted to and, at that time, I really did wanted to, but thank God for self-control.

He and Mlle. Nguyen've made up yesterday. I'm happy for them, but I'm not as happy as I should be.

Love begins with an image; lust with a sensation.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I slept over at M. Nikitin's Wednesday night. In his bed. With him. Yes, I did. One thing led to another and we sorta kinda fooled around most of the night. Does that make me a slut? Please say no.

I'm sorry, Mlle. Nguyen, but I kissed the boy you kinda like. Like, I know you're mad at him right now and everything, but that still doesn't make it okay. I saw how your face was when you saw me walking with him the other day; I'd hate to imagine your face when you find out about what happened.

I like being with him more than I do with M. Paff. I mean, M. Paff is more experienced, and he has a way with touch, but M. Nikitin makes me feel loved. He kept kissing my face the entire time, and when I kissed his cheek, I could feel him smiling. I think we actually passed out at threeish.

The whole time, I was just like, "I can't believe I'm kissing/doing this with [M. Nikitin]," and, at some point, I told him. He laughed and said, "I know. I can't believe I'm kissing you either."

In the early morning, I woke up to him kissing me. I was like, "What time is it?" since it wasn't even light out. It was five, and he apologized for waking me up so early. We kissed for the longest time. His roommate, M. Uribe kept stirring in his sleep, and I was so scared he would wake up and catch us, but M. Nikitin would leaned over and covered me with his arms and shoulders--which are very very very nice since he works out and everything. And, oh, my God, his bed CREAKS! Fucking hell. Every single time it did, I was just like, "Please let [M. Uribe] be a heavy sleeper."

Anyways...so after forever, I asked him for the time, and he stopped kissing me for a second and said, "You have to go soon, unfortunately." It was 6:56. I have class at 8, and I need to leave at 7:30, so I need to start getting ready at 7 to make it on time. So we kissed some more before I pulled away. He helped me look for my earring and the rest of my stuff which were sprawled all over his bed. Then, as I tied my hair up in front of the mirror and getting ready to leave, I could see him watching me from behind. He stepped forward and hugged me from behind, and I leaned up to kiss him.  After a while, I was like, "[M. Nikitin], I need to go." He wanted me to stay for breakfast, but I was planning to eat on the way to class, so I declined.

It was kind of awkward when he went to dinner with us. I was gonna play it cool, but that plan went out the window when he came out to meet us. He stood next to me, and everyone else was talking except for us, or we would talk to other people but not to each other. I couldn't look him in the eye without getting embarrassed.

After dinner, we helped Mlle. Yee study for her Chemistry midterm. I would write on the white board, and he'd be standing next to me, telling me what to write, and I'd lean over just a bit so we'd be touching, and we'd be like that until Mlle. Yee came over. Yup. We managed to get back to normal at the end of the night though.

When we finally talked about it on Friday. I was sick when the happened, and had to pull away occasionally to cough. We even joked about him getting sick too. Well, Friday afternoon, it was just the two of us alone in his room on Reddit, and I was on his bed several minutes before, coughing all over it, and he said something about me getting him sick again, and I was like, "Again? You didn't get sick that time," which is really not fair. Then I was like, "Do you do that to all the girls that sleep in your bed?" He said no, but the way he said it was really adorable because he was tired and he was kind of hugging his pillow while trying to hold a conversation with me. Anyways, he thinks I'm a good kisser.

I got sicker when I got a ride from my mom's friend with her kid. Now I have a persistent giant headache.

I'm glad I went home this weekend. I got a new phone. Whoot whoot. And a new laptop. But my mother and daddy showered me with love <3

Let's play a game of whose life sucks worse...I'll win, I always win.

This week fucking sucks. There's so many things going on. With me, with Mlle. Chu, and with Mlle. Nguyen. All involving boys.

Well, let's start with the good things this week. The day before yesterday, the bunch of us slept over at M. Nikitin's room. Then yesterday, we all hungout and stayed up hella late and had lots of fun. Then today we go with M. Nikitin to the beach clean up.

The beach's so fucking nice. We've made plans to bike there the Sunday after next. I'm so excited.

Then the bad shit:

So I haven't been hanging out or talking to M. Paff lately because I'm tired of being the only one making an effort. So yesterday, he messaged me on Skype and asked why he couldn't make friends. Well, buddy your problem isn't with making friends; it's keeping them that's the problem. I asked him what was wrong, and he said "Nothing," so I was like, "Then why did you bother to even ask me if you weren't going to talk about it?" He was like, "Fine. Then leave me alone." I was like, "K. Well, there's your answer."

Mlle. Nguyen was there, and she asked why I put up with it. I've been asking myself that question quite frequently these past few weeks.

Getting pissed at each other right before Mlle. Mayeda came over was a bad idea. He calls me on Skype at noon to let me know that she's arrived, but I miss it because of the beach clean up. Then I borrow Mlle. Yee's phone to call him. He calls me back after a while and brings Mlle. Mayeda over. I give her a very warm welcome, and he's like, "How come I don't get a smile?" and I'm like, "Cause you're you."

The three of us hang out in my common room and eventually end up in his room, watching funny videos on YouTube. The whole time, we're sitting very near each other to the point of almost touching, but I always move myself away when we do touch. Sure, at that range, I'm very attracted, but I feel more empowered holding myself back then letting myself go. I was supposed to get dinner with a bunch of people at 6:30, but Mlle. Mayeda has to leave at 6:30, so the three of us go eat an hour earlier.

It's nice when we're with her, but once she leaves, the pleasantness goes away. When I wave to someone who's staring at me while running, he says that I'm embarrassing sometimes, and I'm like, "Well, you're boring, and I'd rather be strange than be boring." After that, it's total silence. He walks like, five feet in front of me, and I don't even bother to keep pace with him. Then he just walks back to his hall without saying good bye, but since I'm civilized and well-mannered, I yell goodbye and leave.

Then I get home and hangout with the girls. Mlle. Yee knows about whole thing with M. Paff so she asks about it. Then later that night, he messages me on Skype again and the conversation goes like this:


[10/9/2011 9:09:18 PM] M. Paff: lemme ask u sumthing
[10/9/2011 9:09:30 PM] Me: ask away
[10/9/2011 9:09:42 PM] M. Paff: am i an idiot
[10/9/2011 9:09:51 PM] Me: yeah
[10/9/2011 9:09:56 PM] M. Paff: k :/
[10/9/2011 9:10:23 PM] Me: would you rather that I lie?
[10/9/2011 9:45:40 PM] M. Paff: cool.
[10/9/2011 9:46:47 PM] Me: are you hurt?
[10/9/2011 9:48:08 PM] M. Paff: why am i an idiot
[10/9/2011 9:52:38 PM] Me: I feel like you don't value our friendship as much as you should
[10/9/2011 9:53:43 PM] Me: Like, you replying "k" and "..." makes it seems like you don't want to talk to me and makes me feel like a nuisance for bothering you
[10/9/2011 9:54:31 PM]Me: But in general, you just say the wrong things sometimes
[10/9/2011 9:56:09 PM] M. Paff: ur like the 3rd person 2 say im an idiot
[10/9/2011 9:56:14 PM] M. Paff: or that im below them
[10/9/2011 9:56:16 PM] M. Paff: or im a retard
[10/9/2011 9:56:21 PM] M. Paff: or im scum
[10/9/2011 9:56:23 PM] Me: I'm not saying you're below me
[10/9/2011 9:56:25 PM] M. Paff: in the past 2 days
[10/9/2011 9:56:27 PM] Me: or you're a retard or a scum
[10/9/2011 9:57:23 PM] Me: like, you don't treat people the way they should be treated
[10/9/2011 9:57:43 PM] Me: are you okay?
[10/9/2011 10:08:29 PM] Me: I feel like if I was really a good friend, I should come over right now because you seriously don't sound okay
[10/9/2011 10:08:40 PM] Me: but then sometimes you don't want me there
[10/9/2011 10:17:41 PM] M. Paff: im sure
[10/9/2011 10:19:03 PM] Me: do you want me over?
[10/9/2011 10:19:08 PM] M. Paff: no
[10/9/2011 10:19:14 PM] Me: k
[10/9/2011 10:19:17 PM] Me: are you feeling better?
[10/9/2011 10:19:19 PM] M. Paff: no

And when I thought I was done with him, he pulls shit like this. Like, leaving him now would mean that I'm a bad friend, that I'm only there when times are good. I'm trying. Believe me. I'm trying. But it's so hard when the other person is unresponsive and isn't willing to communicate at all.


Let me tell you something. Bitching out feels so good. I bitch out to Mlle. Chu and Mlle. Yee and they totally listen. Mlle. Yee thinks he should make more of an effort, and Mlle. Chu thinks I shouldn't abandon him now. Then we talk about Mlle. Chu's problem. I'd love to have her problem than my problem.

But Mlle. Nguyen's problem is the worst. I come back from the bathroom to Mlle. Yee awkwardly chatting with M. Nikitin on Skype while Mlle. Nguyen cries silently next to our laundry.I hug her and try to comfort her, but she seems so upset. Then I signals Mlle. Yee to cut off the conversation so we can deal with Mlle. Nguyen first.

Poor thing. She misses her mom and her old friends and the ways things used to be over the summer. Me too...well, the last part though. And her whole problem with M. Nikitin is just a giant mess, especially since we're mutual friends. She's sleeping over and since Mlle. Yee and I are both sick, we're sharing a bed.

M. Nikitin's given me and Mlle. Yee some medicine for our flu. I hope it works cause we're doing major bonding over boiling water and getting the packages open without scissors late at night in the dark while trying to not make a sound.

Some days are for living. Others are for getting through.

So yesterday was weird day. It was rainy. And I lost my phone--the love of my life--in the lecture hall. That was just like, my day just went out the window.

Obviously, I was really upset, so I went back to the dorm room and M. Paff was on, and I told him. He said that I should contact the PD. I did. Then he wanted us to get lunch. Well, the day before, I had lunch with M. Nikitin in the kitchen. He brought tea. I brought soup. And I didn't want to eat in my room, so I said yeah. I came out at the appointed time and M. Paff was walking toward me with an umbrella. I think we shared an umbrella walking there. It was a nice lunch.

Since it was still raining REALLY HARD, Mlle. Nguyen, Mlle. Yee, and I decide to eat dinner in our room. Mlle. Yee and I made food while Mlle. Nguyen took a long-ass nap; she's been working really hard, so we let her sleep for a long time. Then my roomie and I just watched New Girl and The Lying Game while eating. When Mlle. Nguyen got up, we were done and were back to doing our homework and studying.

Mlle. Nguyen was using my laptop and I was on my bed studying, and M. Paff Skyped her, saying, "I'm horny," and of course, Mlle. Nguyen read it outloud. I tried to play it cool, but it was definitely awkward. Mlle. Nguyen replied, "Dtf?" and he asked if I wanted to play. I told Mlle. Nguyen she should play instead, and she did. Well, Mlle. Nguyen played on my laptop since I wanted to see how a good person played. Mlle. Yee was just amused by all the cussing and hate fest directed toward M. Paff.

She played with M. Paff and Mlle. Mayeda, and M. Paff was talking to this kid from his hall. My God, sometimes I just wish I'm deaf to some things, you know? The way they were referring to their exes and some of the girls in their hall was horrible. I didn't like that.

Then, at 11:30, I think I said I wanted Cha, so M. Paff said he wanted Cha too, and Mlle. Nguyen said she wanted Cha also, so the three of us came over to M. Paff's room to get him and we all walked to Cha together. We got Cha and walked around. It was pretty cool, more so because it was so late at night. Then we all went to his room to show his hallmates what a pimp he was and just watched funny videos.

Not gonna lie, like, the whole time, there were a lot of accidental...or not so accidental...touching. When we were walking together, he lightly punched me and asked if I was staying this weekend. Then when were were outside of Cha drinking tea, we sat next to each other and sometimes my knee would touch his whenever I adjusted. Like, I was trying to not do it so much because I really did not--and still don't--want to get more involved with him than I already am (or is it "was"? Whatevs). Then when we were watching the videos, I was standing behind his chair and leaning into it. I hope he didn't take that the wrong way. But sometimes I would reach up for the mouse, and he would put his hand closer to it. Then when I was leaving, he awkwardly patted me on the shoulder and said, "bye", and, of course, didn't walk me and Mlle. Yee home.

And then today! Oh my God, don't even get me started. I almost cockblock someone today. Mlle. Nguyen. She's been ignoring M. Nikitin and it's so awkward hanging out with the two of them. Since Mlle. Nguyen isn't going to the capture the flag game, I go and get M. Nikitin and he invites us in and guess who's in the closet? Mlle. Nguyen. Later, in my room after Mlle. Yee and M. Nikitin have left to get something, I find out that she's gotten there a few minutes before we come in and interrupt. Then I try to get them to leave. Mlle. Yee doesn't know, but she wants tea, so I tell M. Nikitin to go get tea, and he says Mlle. Nguyen should go with him. Perfect. So they go and I tell Mlle. Yee the whole story and we text him saying that M. Paff's had an emotional breakdown so we've gone to his room, and don't bother coming back.

Good deed of the day.

Then I play LoL and M. Paff goes on. He's rude to me, so I end the call. Then I just play by myself, and Mlle. Nguyen comes back pretty late. So, they've a few minutes together alone before Mlle. Pages brings the whole goddamn gang in the room. Cockblocked twice. Not a good day for her. She's obviously very upset about it, but she doesn't show it much. We only know cause she jumps on my bed and starts wiping tears off of her face. Then she leaves for Evenstar.

M. Paff comes back on and wants to play. I'm just like, "Okay, whatever," and we play. He's had a pretty shitty night too.

This week's been bad, period.

Did I mention that I lost my phone?

Don't close the book; just turn the page.

Dear M. Paff,

I kind of do--but kind of don't--remember how we first became friends. Crazy as it sounds, I've actually tried to analyze it numerous times, and I've thought about setting up the same conditions so I could meet someone who would click with me as well as you did. But things don't work like that because they're not you, so some of the conditions are already not matching up.

Truth is...I think you're the first friend I've ever truly loved...my first real best friend. I could tell you everything...from crushes to bowel movements...absolutely everything and you never once thought I was crazy for it. I loved how you were so attentive and awkwardly charming and open. You enjoyed talking to me and I loved talking to you because we always had such a hilarious time.

Sometimes I look back and I kind of, semi regret ever bringing up the whole friends with benefits thing. Sometimes I think that whole fuck buddy business's partly responsible for the decline of our relationship. Maybe friends aren't meant to be touched in that way by friends; we're just not supposed to have that kind of thoughts about each other. But I don't think I would have done anything differently had I known.

I don't know what'd happened to us. We suddenly went from being thisclose to barely talking. I loved you for a while; I really did, and I had never ever thought that I could love another human being, but I did. I loved you. I was so fond of you. And it felt so good to love someone and be loved in return.

Then we got to college...everything started going wrong with us at college. You closed up. You grew distant. You accused me of being clingy for the littlest things. You said I was your closest friend, but you didn't treat me like one. You stopped telling me things, slowly cutting me out of your life and didn't really give a fuck if you were still in mine or not. You treated me like shit and expected me to drop whatever I was doing to entertain you. Really? I don't think so. I was no longer among your top priorities. Hell, it'd be such an outrageous lie to even say I'm on the list at all. That's not how best friends treat each other. You've always been at the top for me, but I think it's finally time for you to get off the list.

I've woken up today and realized that I don't love you anymore. You were special to me because I was fond of you, but now that you no longer have my love, you're just another person, and, quite frankly, I don't give a shit about other people.

I don't know why or how things have turned out this way, but I'm sure glad I realize that this early. No more dealing with your mood swings, no more trying to keep the conversations alive after the fifty millionth one-word reply, and no more getting annoyed as you repeatedly ditch me for other people.

Now that I think about all these things, I'm kind of getting mad because I shouldn't have let it get this far. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. I wish things were different, and that we were still BFFs, but I'm kind of glad that we're not anymore. I like you still, but I don't think I could ever go back to loving you the way I did because I loved you a lot.

Not anymore, though. I'm just kind of bummed that the BFF seat is now vacant. You've filled it quite well for a while.

Your friend,

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are.

So...M. Nikitin and Mlle. K Nguyen seriously need to work things out between the two of them because ever since they got into whatever they got into, he's been hanging out with me and Mlle. Yee a lot.

Don't get me wrong, we both really enjoy his company, but I just think it's better if Mlle. K Nguyen can join us without having things get awkward.

So...he calls me in the afternoon while I'm trying to steal ten more minutes of nap time and wants my help on picking out ramen. I use that as an excuse and Mlle. Yee and I both walk down to the place and help him pick. Then we go to Jack in the Box and have dinner at four.


Then we get home...blah blah blah...Mlle. K Nguyen joins me and we study our asses off. Mlle. Yee and Mlle. Chu join our study party and that lasts till 10. Yup. Crazy geeking going on there.

I've find that I concentrate so much better now that I'm all cleared about about M. Paff. At eight, I walk over to his dorm to give him back his calculator, and he looks surprised that I don't want to stay. I say I have to get back to studying and just leave. It's kind of empowering, not going to lie. And I haven't been texting him or Skyping him more than necessarily at all.

Then Mlle. Yee and I help M. Nikitin make ramen, and we watch The Roommate in our room. M. Paff wants me to entertain him when we reach the climax. I say, "No. I'm watching a movie." I hate how he always comes to me when he's bored. It makes me feel like I'm an afterthought.

Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks.

I'm tired of M. Paff's antic. His mood swings are erratic and his silence is quiet deafening and annoying. If he wants to talk, then he can text me or call me. I'm tired to making plans and trying to keep the conversation going. Why should I put so much effort into something that he obviously doesn't value.

Sure, I'm all mad now but I feel like once he starts talking to me again, I'll forget all this.

JK. He's just called me while I'm studying and I decline the call. Big step, yeah?