We are all fallen creatures and all very hard to live with.

So the club fair or whatever is today. I go with this girl from my hall. Then later, we go meet M. Paff and his female friends and we all get lunch. He seems pretty popular with the girls since he’s nice and awkward. Then it ends up with just me and M. Paff going to the fair. I don’t remember much, but there’s definitely a lot accidental hand brushings and arm bumpings. I’m happy with that. Actually, that’s a lie. The whole time, I keep thinking about how—cliché as it sounds—my heart would stop if he had grabbed my hand and held it. I would have let him.

When we get back from the fair, we go to M. Paff’s hall, where we meet M. Kee. He’s so awkward, but M. Paff and I manage to dodge him and play ping pong instead. Then more people come and it gets boring. I go back to my hall while M. Paff goes banner painting with his hallmates. I take a nap in my common room because there’s people there and not deserted like my room because I don’t want to get depressed when I wake up.

Then M. Paff Skypes me, and I tell him to come over, but he doesn’t want to come over because his friend is there. He shows her on camera, and she’s lying on his bed, but he always tries to pull me off when I’m on his bed. WTF? I’m lonely, so I come over and jump on his bed while she’s in her room changing and he tries to pull me off again. Eventually, he gives up. And as I sit, perched on his bed and looking outside, he comes over really close to me and says, “I think she’s really hot, and we’re getting along really great,” and I say, “Do you see it going anywhere?” and he says, “Right now, I’m just trying to be friends with her, but we’ll see how things go.”  We watch his drum line videos together. She comes back and leaves again and he leans almost into me again and says, “To be honest, I see you as a guy friend.” I’m just like, “Okay,” because that’s how it’s supposed to be. Our relationship’s supposed to be strictly platonic and I mess it up by being attracted to him. Doesn’t matter if it’s my fault or not; I still feel so very disappointed. She comes back and we all go to watch this dance thing, except they talk to each other the whole goddamn time. Are you fucking serious? So after a while, I’m like, “I’m going back. Bye,” and leave.

I feel so replaced. Like, that position is easily filled by anybody. I’m so tired of this. We were supposed to go to the ARC together, but now he’s with her and I’m in my dorm room all alone, depressed and watching chick flicks. Whatever.