Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

Okay, I went to the bathroom today in Mme. Kennedy's class, and when I walked back, M. Lythgoe was looking at me again! ASK ME TO PROM ALREADY!

Speaking of Prom, M. Ward teased me and Mlle. Jang today in painting. Apparently, he has this awesome plan (knowing him, I don't doubt it--the boy is brilliant!) to ask this one girl to prom, so Mlle. Jang and I were trying to guess who since there is possibly no way to guess how he is going to do it. Anyways, we spent 15 minutes doing the "is it [Mlle. Tupac]? How about [Mlle. Smith]? No? Well, good, cause she's taken. Is it anybody we know? What do you mean you don't know?" Then we realized that he wasn't answering honestly and there's not point of doing 20 questions or whatever if he wasn't being honest. I thought he was going to ask Mlle. Jang. There's a possibilty he'll ask me since he touch my hands like, freaking ten times today in one hour. Okay, it was like, four times, but it's not like I'm counting. Being a good girl that I am, I pulled my hand back of course. Subtly, too, so it wouldn't be awkward. I hate mixed signals.

So, I went shopping today. My beloved messenger bag is ripping on the side, and I'm looking for something to replace it. So far, nothing matches it's cuteness, durability, stiffness, and overall aesthetically pleasing nature, so I settled for a smaller bag by the same company. It'll do my shoulder good.

And then I bought a pair of heels for prom. I was kind of iffy about it, but the deal was too good to pass up. I'll probably return them tomorrow or something.

And then I went to Forever 21 and found the most perfect pair of heels for prom, and they only have them in size 6 and 9! I'm a freaking 7! So I went online and found size 7 only to have it snatched up when I was looking for my debit card! What the heck?

On the flip side, I found my perfect pair of heels! It's a pair of heeled booties in tan. Pretty cute. I'd be so mad if the same girl that took my prom shoes steals this pair too.

I can always buy this pair, but it doesn't have the ankle-wrap that will go perfectly with my dress. It certainly is high enough though. Only 4 inches high, but the platform is almost 1 inch, making it a total of almost 5 inches, which makes me 5 feet 9 and a half inches. Pretty good. How hard would it be to dance in these, I wonder?

The pair below is lovely as well, but it is only 4 feet high, which is good, cause I can do 4 feet high, but now that I've seen long-legged Karlie Kloss move in my dress, I kind of want to go as high as possible.

Anyways, I was complaining to my little brother, and he went, "Do you know how spoiled kids are these days?" Oh my gosh, he's only 12! He's the cutest little brother in the whole entire world.

Oh, so...I'm trying to learn Comptine d'un autre été from the film Amelie. God, I love love love love the composer Yann Tiersen. His songs are very ethereal in a regal yet very folksy way. His music makes me feel like I'm in a fairytale. Plus, he's fairly cute. Anyways, at first, I hate how the left hand is very repetitive because it covers an octave with funky stuff in between. My hands can do an octave, but doing that for the entire song is very uncomfortable. Now I love how it's repetitive because I only have to focus on the right hand, which is very simple before it gets to the whole fast part. It's fairly easy for me to memorize this since it's repetitive, but it also paints an image with a map of where to go regarding the notes in my head, so I don't think I'll have trouble with memorizing. I've never been this motivated to do anything since EVER.


Oh, yeah, Mme. McElroy has passed away. Her funeral was today, but I couldn't make it.


I love the above quote. Sometimes I do wonder where I was when they handed out life manuals.

Sir, more than kisses, letters mingle souls; for, thus friends absent speak.

Dear Barnard,

For some reason, I think you will break my heart. Please don't, but I love you so much.

Love,

Tram

There is a road from the eye to heart that does not go through the intellect.

So, today began really nice and peaceful, which is not a surprise since this whole week has been pleasant, yet I find myself getting depressed everyday at around four to seven o'clock. Not to worry because the moment I feel a tiny bit depressed, I switch the music to blasting Uffie, Lily Allen, and 3Oh!3 and the raunchy lyrics take my mind off of things. I need a new way to get out of it though because this way won't last forever.

Anyways, I had to go to the bathroom in Mme. Kennedy's class today. You would think that a small and skinny girl like me would walk all soft and dainty, but sometimes I walk like an elephant. Today was one of those times. Anyways, that's way beside the point. So when I got back, the moment I opened the door and walked in, guess whose face I saw looking at me first way before other people started to turn around. Maybe I'm overspeculating, but I would like to think that he felt my giant stomping, saw me at the windows, and turned around to look as I walked in. Anyways, I saw him looking, and he was probably the only person I had eye contact with, and I could see him watching me as I walked across the room to take my seat. Once I got there, I kind of lingered and stood there for a few seconds, looked in his direction, and saw that he was still looking! Then toward the end of class, I looked out the windows and saw him looking again out of the corner of my eyes. It's hard to explain but I moved my eyes to include more of him in my peripheral vision, if that makes sense. He was indeed looking my way. It was all very thrilling until I realized that Mlle. Pillado, a pretty, lovely, and gentle Mormon girl who wouldn't harm a fly, sat behind me.

If M. Lythgoe likes me, then he should say so. He is awfully nice to look at, especially when he stares at me right back. God, it sounds like we are having eye sex, but we really are not.

And then the day went by like always. Mlle. Smith, Hatfield, Macias and I discussed our limo plan. Now that M. Smith has asked Mlle. Smith to the Prom, we have nine definite people in the group: the four of us, M. Smith, Mlle. Lopez and her date, M. Clayville, and Mlle. Rink (a friend for Mlle. Macias). Mlle. Yasakova and Velasco (I have invited her when I found out that she didn't know what her G.A.P.P friends were doing for the Prom) are supposed to come with us, but they are well-known for backing out at the last minutes. I have not heard from the other people yet. And M. Lythgoe has YET to ask me.

I think I will fail the next Calculus test because I have no idea what is going on. Mme. Kennedy is very patient when she explains things to me, and I love her so much for that. But once she is out of sight, everything she's said goes as well. I'm trying so hard, harder than I have ever done before. I come to class early to check my homework and ask her questions, but I just don't seem to be getting it. I bet she's very disappointed in me for wasting her time and effort.

We had a lot of fun in Painting, as usual. Mlle. Jang had finished putting the gouache in the palette for me, so I worked on drawing eyes and other facial features with graphite as I waited for the gouache to dry. Mlle. Smith and I discuss our workout plans for the Prom. Since my dress is leg-centric, I need to tone my legs. Honestly, I know I sound like one of those girls who fish for compliments because I'm skinny and all, but my thighs are huge compared to the rest of my body. And my gastrocnemius muscles are virtually nonexistent; I saw them and my thighs jiggle today. Not. A. Pretty. Sight. But ever since I started taking Physiology, I'm so afraid to do anything really physical, like running, because running means bending my knees, which works to wear away my cartilages in my knee joints and eventually it'll just be bone on bone and let me tell you, I can NOT stand pain to save my life. I'm just going to stick to stretching until I can find a workout to tone my legs.

Towards the end of class, M. Ward managed to get to Youtube from the Mme. Mills' computer and we all (Mme. Mills, M. Ward, Mlle. Smith, Jang, Tupac, and I) watched funny videos on there. God, it was a fun afternoon.

Then I came home to find out that I got rejected from UCLA. Remember that whole stress thing I went through that made my back breakout when I got an "unlikely" from Wellesley? Well, this is a little bit better but I'm still so very scared, nervous, and anxious.

My mother came back from Vietnam last night! You know what that means? I miss my lovely camera so much! Plus, she bought me earrings, which will go into my ever-growing collection of earrings since I am so into earrings right now.

I talked to Mlle. Velasco earlier to let her know to let us know about her final decision before the 24th and to give us her money by the 31st of this month. Sometimes I feel like such a bad friend for not being there for her when she has money problems. I mean, her dad makes so much money, but when you take that amount and divide it by seven people in her family, that doesn't leave much for them to do much. And it just feels like I all do is say, "Hey! Wanna go waste money with me?"

I think M. Lythgoe should just ask me to the Prom!

Do not dwell in the past; do not dream of the future; concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Today was an amazing day! Us AP Art and Art History kids went roaming in Old Town Pasadena for the whole day and then stopped at the Norton Simon Museum to finish up. Before that, we went to Dick Blick, the most amazing art store EVER! The Art History kids were like, "Okay, whatever. It's just a huge art store", but the rest of us went crazy. I picked up a set of gouache instead of watercolour, a palette to put the gouache in, and a set of graphite pencils that go all the way up to 9B. 9B! I love doing dark lines! Mlle. Jang and Smith did almost the same thing, except Mlle. Smith bought Prismacolor color pencils because color pencils is totally her medium. Mlle. Jang is pretty versatile, and I don't know what she bought.

We had a blast chilling and eating before noon, when we were supposed to be at the museum. Anyways, since Mlle. Schneider and I are vegetarian, our group (Mlle. Smith, Jang, Schneider, Hai, Choi, and Murphy and M. Ward and Purwadi) had to find a restaurant that would accommodate that special needs. While looking for the restaurant, Mlle. Smith and I decided to split and go to H&M instead because I've never been there. We looked around, and I saw a bunch of bags that I would love to have, but since I already blew, I don't know, $45 at Dick Blick, I couldn't afford to drop another huge sum of money just because. So, Mlle. Smith and I each got a really cute dress and went to the dressing room to try it on and took pictures. We looked cute, if I do say so myself.

Then we got a call from Mlle. Schneider saying that they'd be eating at Johnny Rocket and I told them we would meet them there. We went to a frozen yogurt store and then to Johnny Rocket before heading back to the museum.

At the museum, our group got cut up again with only me, Mlle. Smith, Jang, and Schneider. We had to complete this scavenger hunt thing. It was fun, but when we were done, Mlle. Smith and I went out to the garden to take more pictures. We had a fun time.

It got so hot during the day in Pasadena, and I was wearing a black scoop-neck thermal with black tights under a white dress. Yeah, I looked nice (if I do say so myself), but not weather-appropriate. But as soon as the bus started, the breeze and wind came in and Jesus Christ, it took forever for me to de-tangle my hair after an hour of about 70 mph wind.

Then, I got home and worked on Mlle. Coleman's dress. Here it is.

There's three versions because she likes blue and green, but I detest the color green and don't really care for blue. The red one is personally my favorite, but this isn't my prom dress. So I drew up three for her to see her options.

And then I found out that M. Smith will ask Mlle. Smith (haha) to the Prom THIS WEEK! And I'm probably the first to know about it! I was so excited, I called Mlle. Jang to tell her. Mlle. Jang is very excited too. So now our bus has ten people. We have room for 22. So, that's, like, not even half yet. I am awfully fond of Mlle. Jang and wish she could come with us, but she is committed somewhere else.

I don't think anyone will ask me. I don't have any close guy friends. I kind of want M. Lythgoe to ask me, but I seriously doubt it. His ego is too big to risk a rejection. Plus, even if he does, transportation complications will arise.

I know I've been all "I can't wait to get out of her/this year to be over", but I think I will seriously miss it once it is over. I'll miss the people that I've spent years with, the people who love me and whom I love. Time has never been my friend, and it probably will never be my friend.

The hair is the richest ornament of women.

May 13th is going to be a great day! It's the day before the Prom and it's also a second Senior Ditch Day, which I'm going to participate in (I didn't do the first because the timing was stupid; it was first quarter, for goodness's sake). Anyways, we're meeting up at In N' Out at 12 and going en masse (I hope I used that right; I'd feel pretty idiotic if I didn't) to Zuma Beach. Fun, ya? I think so! Mlle. Smith is excited about it also.

So, remember how I told Mlle. Macias about M. Lythgoe. She now thinks I have a crush on him, which I don't, and suggests that I help her make a cake for him on his birthday since she's in Yearbook and people in Yearbook are doing that for all the people in Yearbook (hope that makes sense). Then I can come and hang out with them in Yearbook and eat the cake too. An occasion to miss class? Count me in!

The math test I took today was crazy! I went in feeling pretty well, but came out completely depressed. I need an A on the test to bring my grade up to a C since I BOMBED the last test so bad, tears can't even describe it. Anyways, we'll see how it goes. I hope Mme. Kennedy won't be too disappointed.


I bought this hair thing yesterday and I'm trying it out starting today. It's called Smooth 'N Shine Therapy: Silk Fusion Repair Extreme Leave-In Treatment (with pearl extract). I mean, honestly? It was cheap and on sale, and it has the word "pearl" in it. I'm a goner.

So, I'm going to try it out everyday for a week to see how it goes. Hopefully, it'll make my hair all shiny, smooth, and soft.

Love is like oxygen. All you need is love.

So, I'm tired of moaning and groaning and bitching complaining about my boring life. I'm going to do something about it. So, I'll try not to complain anymore. Do, or do not; there is no try.

Anyways...

Since the beginning of this year, in Econ class, I sit opposite of this guy named M. Lythgoe. I think he's pretty cute, with a steely and cold demeanor. He's about my height, I think, or he looks it. I sure hope he looks it because then he'll be datable. I don't know how he is, but he seems rude in Econ, always talking with his friends when the teacher is lecturing. Once, the teacher got fed up and kicked the whole bunch of them out of class. He was the only one who came back later and apologized.

I don't know what is it that's with me and M. Lythgoe. Like, I can sense that's there's something, but it's barely there. Like, okay, it's weird, because I had a mini crush on him at the end of eighth grade, but, like everything else that was related to middle school, it wasn't anything major nor serious. But the moment I strolled into Econ, I could feel him staring at me. Well, so were the other guys because I had on a simple white t-shirt, black short shorts, with tights that look like the picture below (except mine are like, so much better and less slutty because the 90% of my legs is covered), and a venetian red scarf tossed over one shoulder. Not to toot my own horn, but I looked pretty great.

Anyways, I felt him staring at me as I handed my schedule to M. Near and even when I got to my new seat near Mlle. Johnston, the same seat that happened to be directly across from him. I wasn't very interested then because I'd always pegged him for a jerk and a jock, you know?

I think I first started to notice him the day I found a lollipop from Mme. Mills in my pocket. I was enjoying my lollipop, and the class was hot, so I guess I was subconsciously tracing the metal tip of whatever I had on hand on my bare thighs because it felt good. I was spacing out and when I came to, I saw him looking at the metal tip on my thighs, and all of the sudden, he flicked his eyes up to meet mine. Well, I did what good girls do and avert my eyes and blush, because that was pretty weird because it must have seem like I was touching myself on purpose--which I kind of was, but it wasn't like that--while eating a lollipop--which is pretty sexual all by itself.

From then on, every time I glance over, there was a good chance of catching him looking at me. He sometimes catches me looking at him, but often time, I just fake spacing out. Like, it's pretty easy. I just force myself to freeze my gaze and keep it there for a long time before drifting it somewhere else and keeping that there for a long time. Once, M. Near was trying to explain something to him and M. Lythgoe was asking a question regarding what M. Near was saying and it came out all funny. I happened to be looking on (of course) and he caught my eyes and laughed, and said, "What am I saying?" That's far from intimate, but that's the most intimate we've ever been. Anyways, so we keep doing that to each other and we've talked like, five times this whole school year. Sad? Yes. Very.

Now that we don't have Econ anymore and Mme. Kennedy's moved me from behind him (darn), I sometimes look out the windows and see him looking in my peripheral vision. I sometimes catch him. He almost never catches me though because my seat is more or less strategic than his. Plus, M. Foghi's huge head is always in the way.

Today, he had to go to the bathroom, and so I watched him as he walked from his desk to Mme. Kennedy's desk, and I could tell that he could tell that I was watching. So the moment he grabbed the pass and made a turn, he looked and we locked eyes for a millisecond before he turned away.

M. Kwon implies that M. Lythgoe doesn't masturbate since he's Mormon, but Mlle. Macias tells me that all guys masturbate and she suspects that the Mormons do it even more since they're so sexually frustrasted. When I tell her about M. Lythgoe (not this detailed, of course. God, that'd be mortifying), she tells me that he's pretty nice, but "he wants you to be Mormon and have ten children."

I reread this and it seems like there's more to me and M. Lythgoe than there really is. It seriously is almost nothing. I'm just attracted to him, but it really is nothing big.

Mlle. Smith, Hatfield, and Macias came over today. Mlle. Lopez is also coming with us in the limo. Whoot whoot! Mlle. Coleman informed me that my dress would come out to be more or less $300, which, according to Mlle. Johnston, is pretty good for a custom-made dress and I better be nice to Mlle. Coleman's mom, who is making it. At first I was like, $300? That's a lot of money. But then I looked at the other dresses similar to it, and they are more than $300 even though they're ugly.

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

Okay, so on Monday, Mme. Kennedy said that she liked my shirt, which was awfully nice for her to say because she is usually very professional and stoic. She then said she liked all of my clothes and that I always looked so "elegant." Eeek! Best. Day. Ever.

Not.

That's probably the one of the few things worth remembering this week. This has been such a horrible week for me.

First, there's the whole prom-limo issue. I already kind of knew that Mlle. Jang, Imhoff, Lee, the foreign exchange students, and their friends are going on one limo, but apparently they invited Mlle. Smith too. I was like, okay, where does that leave me? I told Mlle. Smith about this little predicament, and she said she'd ask if I could come too. I already felt like such a tag-along, so I started my own group: me, Mlle. Smith, Macias, Hatfield, Tran (the elder), and whoever we bring along.

Well, Mlle. Smith didn't like that idea as much. She said going with my group wouldn't be fun because we're all so straight (no alchohol, drugs, or sex for us). I suggested that we split up since we would see each other anyways at the prom. She was completely against that idea and convinced me to ask Mlle. Jang if there was room for me on the bus.

I HATE doing stuff like that, like, forcing myself on people. I asked Mlle. Jang, and she told me to ask Mlle. Imhoff, who told me to ask Mlle. Lee. Well, I got the whole story today from Mlle. Jang during a conversation to math class, and it came out to Mlle. Imhoff, Lee, Jang, and Smith were talking about prom in their composition class, and Mlle. Jang just drew up a list of people on their bus, something they have already secured. Mlle. Jang apologized for not including me too because they were planning it "since last semester." When I heard that, I said, "actually, me, [Mlle. Smith], [Mlle. Velasco], and [Mlle. Yasakova] were planning it since sophomore year. I don't know why [Mlle. Smith] didn't tell you, because she should have from the get-go."

I swear to God, sometimes I just want to shake Mlle. Smith senseless and tell her to stop being so wishy-washy. She's a goddamn adult, and she should start by making her own goddamn decisions instead of letting people just shape her however they want. During Calculus, I made up my mind to make our own group whether or not she'd be with me.

When I told her, I listed the reasons why I wouldn't be going with Mlle. Jang's group:

1. There's NO ROOM. They've already exceeded their intended 25 by alot.
2. They obviously didn't want me, because not only did I have to ask multiple times, they didn't invite me in the first place. I would hate to force them to make room for me because that's just rude and would make things awkward for everybody.
3. I'm more comfortable with people who have fun the way I have fun a.k.a. without drugs and alcohol.
4. I'd know more than 5/6 for the people on my bus as compared to 4/3293029832903928 on Mlle. Jang's bus. Mlle. Smith's ratio is a tiny-bit better, but not much.

I told her that I was fine with her going on the other bus, but I was just letting her know that I wouldn't be coming with her. I was so surprised when she immediately said  that she would be in my group and not Mlle. Jang's. That's a good start. But she needs to resolve all this confusion by herself.

Tomorrow, a bunch of us are coming over to my house to discuss the whole limo thing. I hope it'll go well.

Second, the other day, Mlle. Schneider brought in a vegetarian burrito from Burger Barn. I had a bite and fell in love, so I went the next day, buying one for lunch and one for breakfast. Well, I ate both for breakfast and was so full by the end of 1st period. Then I went and drank a bottle of water. Then I felt really sick and went home and played the Sims 3 all day. That was a good day, actually. Mlle. Smith called me later to tell me about her conversation with Mlle. Yasakova. She needs to get that issue resolved too.

Third, the day before the burrito incident, I was super tired all of a sudden while doing homework in the library after school when the kid I tutor failed to show up. So I tried to finish before the library closed, and went home when I did. I went home and slept until five in the morning, not finishing any homework beside the one I did in the library.

Fourth, today is my little brother's birthday, so, as promised, I took him out to eat. We had a grand time at IHOP since he'd never been.

Fifth, my cousin Mlle. Truong got into CalState Long Beach and she called me all excited. Her poor mother is living up here with us temporarily and she was very excited as well. She was bragging to my father and telling him about that. She then told me that when my cousin becomes a nurse, I should hire her since I'll be a doctor. Thank God she doesn't know that I'll be far far far away from here.

I wonder...when I look back on this blog, will I hate how much I complain, whine, and bitch? Hopefully, because complaining is hideous, I hate doing it, but I do it all the time. Does that make me a hideous person?

Here's more:

I'm so tired of school and the "friends" I have. I've been trying to find the right expression for these feelings I've been having and the closest I've come to it is a person with his/her head forced underwater. For five days, it's underwater, but the head gets to come up and breathe for the weekends before being forced under water again on Monday. I wish time flies faster. I wish I got into Barnard. But both are out of my hand.

Although, I do have a theory. I read somewhere that whether time flies fast or slow depends on the quantity of memory in that specified time period. Say, if you remember a lot of things, then time is slow during that period. It's used to prove that time does not actually go slower when you're in danger; you actually just have more of it when you're in danger, making you think that it goes slower. So, if the opposite is true, then little memory means time goes really fast, right? The only way I can think of is sleeping, but I sure as heck can't sleep until June 10th. I really wish I had a doppelganger to replace me so I can go far away. I think I just need to be away for awhile.