Monsieur TP and I still haven’t gotten past “can you hand me the spoons?” and “bring this tray out, please”. Yeah. He talks to everybody but me. His twin is also talkative to everybody but me. What is with this? I was kind of complaining about it to my little brother without telling him that I liked one of the twins, and he said, “Maybe they fancy you.” Well, I just need the right one to fancy me.
So, yesterday, when I got back to the temple at night, I had to go take a leak really bad, so I ran to the bathroom and lo, behold, there was a giant ass line. So, while I was trying to not do that awkward pee dance, I saw Monsieur TP and he saw me. So…I watched as his face went from normal to really happy, and he smiled at me like he was really glad to see me. I smiled back, of course—thank God I wasn’t acting retarded then. Then after I got my business done, we passed each other a couple more times, each time glances would be exchanged.
I don’t know. It’s just that things like that make me think that he has feelings for me too, but sometimes he just seems so aloof. The whole I was there, I was Skyping with M. Paff who told me that maybe M. TP seemed aloof because he was busy. I’d like to believe that very much.
Then today is my last day there, so I got up at half past five (yes, in the morning!) to help set up for breakfast. So…guess who was part of the setting up crew? Well, he’s always part of everything around the temple, but it’s just…I don’t know…it’s just nice working together. And then when we were passing out the soup, he passed me and we were really close together when I looked up and he looked up at each other. I don’t know. I just can’t think of any other explanations for looking at someone that small distance apart other than that he likes me too. I mean, that’s why I did it.
Then I helped set up for lunch…with him…and a bunch of other people as well. Then I went and looked after the little kids and took a nap and missed the passing food out.
Then my mother told me that today was our last day here. Well, tomorrow is when it actually ends and we usually leave on the last day. I was bummed, but not too bummed because I had to take a dump and I don’t like taking dumps at places that aren’t my house. Yeah. TMI much? That’s me. But we were to leave at 9 after the Buddhist lecture.
So, I took a smaller nap and then woke early to set up for dinner. Guess who I saw? Yes. Wow, you are absolutely right. Monsieur TP. At first, he was walking from the entrance toward the main eating area, wearing regular clothes—we all kind of wear our Buddhist garbs around here for these events or the people who don’t have Buddhist clothes wear these green aprons that has the temple’s name on them—so I thought he was coming back from…you know…normal life, but a few minutes later, he came out again with a backpack and walked out. I was working at the row of tables that was closest to the entrance. He turned at the gate and looked once and we locked eyes. Then a few minutes later, I was just looking up and saw him in his car passing, and we locked eyes again. Awk? Yes, a bit.
But I was a bit worried because I knew dinner started at six and it was five then, that meant I only had four hours left and he was gone, so…things weren’t working out! Then I came in the kitchen to help, and guess who was there at five thirty?
Thank God.
We helped with dinner and at one point, all the food was brought out and there were a few of us left just standing around. He was, like, four feet away and I could tell that he was looking at me, but I couldn’t look back without making my feelings obvious. It was like the other night when I attended the Buddhist lecture. My brother was the one sitting between us, and we were all the way toward the back. And at one point, this lady behind him left, so I moved there because the wall was right there so I could lean on it because I’m lazy like that. But moving right behind my brother meant I was kind of right next to him. We were less than a foot apart (an inch or two away from each other) and not being able to touch was incredibly aggravating. It was quite hard to concentrate with him being so near and the monk’s heavy, heavy Northern accent.
Anyways, we at dinner after the monks ate dinner and all of the sudden a bunch of people gathered near this one inner gate. And I saw M. TP bringing a huge ass ladder, so a bunch of other people and I came over to find out what was going on. Well, a baby bird fell from the tree and the monks and the lady monks were trying to get it back up to its mommy. Monsieur TP helped at first, but the monks told him to go eat since he worked really hard, but he got a bowl of soup and ate in front of a car, right next to where I was standing to watch the scene. It wouldn’t have been just the two of us in that corner if it hadn’t been for my little brother coming over to see and this little monk who kept bugging Monsieur TP. I wanted to be like, “Dude, just let him eat,” but I didn’t want to come off as a bitch, so I didn’t. Then I found out that he wasn’t even training to be monk! That’s good, because M. TP actually talked to me then. He was like, “This kid? He’s way too mischievous to be a monk.” It sounds awkward, but it’s because I’m translating it, and I’m just an awkward translator. It sounds very not awkward in Vietnamese.
And then after that whole she-bang, I went to dry the dishes, hoping that the older people would go listen to the lectures and leave me and him alone again even though he didn’t normally dry the dishes. He came over and asked to borrow my iPhone charger. And I went to get it. Okay, so before, I wanted to let him know that I was leaving, but I couldn’t figure out a way to do it without it being weird, so this whole charger thing gave me the perfect excuse. As I handed it to him, I looked him in the eyes and said, “I need it back because I’m leaving at nine.” You know, one of those, read-between-the-lines thing. He was like, “At nine?” and I said, “Yes, right after the lectures.”
Then he came over again and helped dry dishes. My God, it was so hard to keep a stupid smile from going on my face with all those people around me, but I was really happy. I kept hoping that these people would go to the lecture later and leave us to ourselves. Then I could just…you know…lean over and just peck him on the lips and go back to normal…like nothing happened, but all these other people were there and more came to dry the dishes so no can do. Grr.
So he didn’t help for long and carried the huge ass basket full of dishes and shit inside. I followed suit and carried a smaller basket with chopsticks, spoons, and ladles inside, where I helped him sort them all out. Okay, we were finally alone. We talked a bit. He asked me about my sister because he’d noticed that she was missing since we came in three the years before. I asked him about his twin brother. It was nice, being alone. Someone gave him a small plate full of rambutans and he offered me one.
I said no even though I kind of wanted one since I already have gloves on and didn’t feel like taking them off to eat. He said, “You’re going to regret it when they’re all gone.” So I had one that was cut in half for easy access since I didn’t want to bite into it and tear the cover off at the moment since it’s such a bothersome thing to do. But then I wanted another one and he saw that I wanted another one so he opened one for me without me asking and I ate it.
For five seconds before this lady came in and started helping us. Oh. My. God. We didn’t need help. We—at least, I—wanted us to be alone. Jesus Christ. And then the little monk came back and started bugging him about his phone again!
I don’t know, but it seemed like he wanted to be alone with me too. He told the kid to go take a nap. The kid said he couldn’t possibly nap at half past six. Monsieur TP kept telling him to go somewhere else subtly, but the kid wouldn’t budge without M. TP’s iPhone, so I was like, “Um…you know my little brother? Well, my little brother has his [M. TP’s] iPhone. Go find him.” And he did! Yes. One cockblock down. A temple-ful of them to go. Well, by the time that lady was gone, we were done sorting and had no other reasons to be around each other anymore, and this one girl asked him to download something onto her laptop. FUCK.
So I grabbed my phone from his bedroom (don’t ask) and went to sit at a bench next to this old lady, but I thought, if I wanted him to spend more time with me, I need to get myself alone. So I went to the round outdoor table near the trees and sat there all by myself and my cell phone. I had my head on the table and absentmindedly playing LuxTouch and Skyping/texting with M. Paff at the same time. All of the sudden, I heard noises and I looked up and I saw Monsieur TP with that girl and their laptops. He came over and sat across from me while she was all grumbling, “Why are we out here? Why can’t we sit inside. We’re disturbing her.” He looked over, smiled, and said, “Can I sit here?” and of course I smiled back and said, “It’s alright.” We just kept looking over and smiling at each other.
I don’t know…at this point, I was kind of convinced that he had some kind of feelings for me too, but nothing would happen unless we ditched these cockblocks. And he was trying. He told the girl, who kept on grumbling about being outside, to go do what she wanted and come back when it was done. She didn’t want to and continued to grumble. Well, bitch, shut the fuck up cause you’re ruining my evening too.
Then this old lady came and told us to go sing. I was like, HELL no, but M. TP convinced me and that girl to go since he had to. So I did. I took a seat, and he was going to take a seat next to me, but that girl dragged him away to work on her laptop.
Like, seriously? You guys live nearby. Can’t you do this another night? I only had less than an hour left and I live an hour away. I think I get priorities.
But she dragged him away, but thank God, this old lady told me to go get him back because they needed people to sing. I went and got him and sat back down in my seat. Okay, so my seat was right next to the only seat left. Hah. But then this lady came and sat the fuck down! I was like, what the hell is with this? But when she saw him coming, she grabbed him and sat his butt down. Yes, someone who wasn’t an obstacle! But then that girl came again with her laptop and dragged a chair over and sat next to him. Boo.
My Vietnamese was deteriorating really fast, so I kept getting lost and of course, I asked him once or twice where we were. At one point, I made up my mind to just lean over and whisper, “Hey, I like you, but you probably already know that.” But that bitch dragged him away again.
Oh, my fucking God. You know, at that point, the mood was gone; I was pissed. I was done waiting around. I got up and got inside where I talked to M. Paff until my mother found me and made me go to the meditation session, where I was determined to avoid M. TP for the rest of the night until I went home. Well, I got out and I saw and I couldn’t do it. I went to bed/nap everyday for ten days thinking the same thing, but every time I see him, the feelings surged back. It’s been going on for ten days for the last three years. Pathetic? I know.
But once meditation was over, he was like, “You’re still here?” It was ten. I was like, “Yeah, we had to meditate.” He was like, “See you next year then.” And I said, “Bye.”
End of story.
I don’t even know if we’re going to see each other again next year since the event won’t be located at the temple next year. I’m hoping my mother will take us there for Vu Lan though. Fingers crossed.
All and all, it was just a summer fling. We were in this tiny Buddhist bubble. It never would have worked in real life. He’s not the most handsome guy and he’s my height. I’m pretty sure we’ll have communication problems, not to mention the fact that I don’t believe in long distance relationships. I guess I was just looking for closure when I thought about confessing, but I’m kind of glad that I didn’t confess. If he didn’t, then it’d just be awkward and it’d make a funny story to tell my grandchildren one day, but if he’d like me too, then it could get complicated. In a way, I was partly looking for confirmation that I was thought beautiful and desirable and that I, too, have the power to stir something in the opposite sex. That was the point of confessing if nothing could come out of it? We weren’t going to date, obviously, considering the physical and cultural distance between us. What would happen next time we see each other? What if one person moved on and the other person didn’t? Love isn’t a game. It’s one thing to be depressed by myself, but it’s something quite different if I drag someone down with me. I would hate for another person to feel as bad as I do when I do go under. Yeah, I’m glad I didn’t confess. I’m just glad he's at least noticed me this year.
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