I need to be around other people. I've started to develop dangerous thoughts--suicidal thoughts. I've been entertaining the notion that other people aren't real and conscious; the connections I've made with people are slowly being dissolved. It's awfully lonely being the only conscious person. It's really a chore to keep living and experiencing the ups and downs of life. There's just no point.
I don't want to age. I never want to grow old and look back at young people and knowing you'll never have that ever again. I'm gradually losing my youth right now.
I want to die quick and fast. A swift move and no pain at all. A coward's death.
It's alright. I'm not at that point where the contemplation of suicide morphs to planning yet. This is low, but I've been lower. I don't think I can get as low as I did the summer before junior year. That was crazy. I never want to go back to those days. I'm going to UCI orientation tomorrow; being around people will take my mind off of thinking. I'll be okay.
I hope I live past this hormonal stage. I think--I'm hoping, praying, wishing--that all my feelings right now stem from the flood of hormones the human body is subjected to at this age. If this is the case, then it means that I have an escape.
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